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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To things isn't really a huge drama

209 replies

inmyshoos · 20/03/2018 10:37

Dd 11 and her friend had a sleepover. It transpires they played a game of show me yours I'll show you mine. Friend goes home and her mum felt she was out of sorts and it all came out. Then I get a phone call saying her dd11 was pushed into it. Felt she couldn't say no. That she feels terrible because she knows it's wrong etc. They like their dc to keep their innocence as long as poss etc
I told her honestly I think it's normal. It's curiosity. It's not sexual at all in my opinion.
Since then she has avoiding me, her dd is no longer allowed to come over and I think my dd feels her friend has distanced herself.
I spoke openly to the mum saying just difference of opinion. They are very religious, we are not and whilst she feels it's 'shameful ' I feel it's completely innocent and no big drama. AIBU here?

OP posts:
Ihatemyclients · 20/03/2018 12:11

I think the issue is less about what they actually did and more about how her DD felt pressured into doing something she didn't want to do. That would be a real concern for parents I would have thought? (Don't have kids myself tho!)

BatFinked · 20/03/2018 12:12

On the one hand, my 11 year old happily wanders around the house naked, couldn't care less! Perfectly happy at home but very private if elsewhere

On the other hand, there's no way on earth he'd do this with a friend. I'd be really concerned at 11 years olds doing this and if my son or daughter came home from a sleepover and told me what had happened

I wouldn't be concerned to the point of informing anyone but I certainly wouldn't be allowing him/her to stay at yours again. Not a chance.

You need to talk to your child about appropriate boundaries

SoupDragon · 20/03/2018 12:13

Where did your DD learn this game?

Toffeelatteplease · 20/03/2018 12:15

The other parent is upset, believes their child to be upset.

There is upset, (whether that is right or wrong) there is no doubt the OP'S DD was involved in behavior that caused upset. Ergo her behaviour inadvertently caused upset. That's no judgement on her behaviour or the other persons right or not to be upset. You can be sorry you've done something or sorry something you've done was the source of upset. Most people will be satisfied with the later if they feel the source of upset would happen again.

You can escalate an argument because you believe yourself to be right (and you maybe) but sometimes by descalating it quickly you send a bigger message that you don't consider this such a big deal that it's worth any further thought even if your DD was entirely to blame.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/03/2018 12:15

We don’t. Which is why I wouldn’t have contacted the OP if I had been the other mother. But I would have believed my dd and made it OK for her to distance herself if that’s what she wanted to do. Whatever happened she was upset, so something was wrong with the dynamic of the friendship

I agree and would have done the same - it was the contact with the mother and the accusations that were part of this that bothered me.

I guess that I am a bit ? re what happened between the daughter and her mother, and whether what upset the daughter was really about what happened and the dynamic of the friendship, but I'll put that aside here because we really do not have any information about that (except the odd comment about 'innocence', which we heard from the OP and which I'd have expected to be more about boundaries and consent and all that).

Toffeelatteplease · 20/03/2018 12:16

Wouldn't happen

WunWegWunDarWun · 20/03/2018 12:17

The other mum hasn't overreacted at all. Looking at it from her point of view, if my 11 year old came home saying she'd been pushed in to a game like this it would most definitely be the last time she went there. I would wonder why on earth this was coming up and worry that the other girl was being encouraged to do this by someone else (I.e. being abused) and she was playing out the same thing with my DD.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/03/2018 12:17

This reply has been deleted

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BrendasUmbrella · 20/03/2018 12:19

I think at 11 you're reaching the blurry boundary where it could be something more than innocent curiosity about the human body, it could be sexual curiosity. And if the other girl felt pressured by your DD that's really not good and something you need to talk to her about. And let the other family keep their distance if they want to, you can't force things back to normal.

SoupDragon · 20/03/2018 12:20

Stop blaming the OP’s DD. People who bring their children up to think nudity is shameful & it’s a loss of innocence for one 11yo to see another 11yo naked are really not doing their children any favours.

Can you not see the difference with being comfortable with nudity and a “show me yours” type game that apparently involved coercion?

Cupoteap · 20/03/2018 12:22

Have you asked your dd about it?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/03/2018 12:22

If people want to keep on about ‘The Pants Rule’ then they need to think about it, if that worked so very well, and the girl was actually not wanting to do it, she could have said ‘No, what’s in my Pants is private’ and if that wasn’t respected, gone to tell an adult. She’s 11, with an 11yo friend, if she can’t say ‘No’ in that situation then I’d be worried about how I’d failed to empower her, not be whinging at another parent because she’s ‘lost her innocence’

I totally agree ... and am now wandering off shamefaced because I wish I'd said that so well and also because I have other things to do.

GwenStaceyRocks · 20/03/2018 12:22

I think OP was wrong to be dismissive and say 'it's normal' because it implies it's normal for a girl to go home upset and tell her parents she felt pressured to behave a certain way. That definitely isn't normal.

I've no idea if the friend felt pressured or felt guilty afterwards or if the parents projected feelings on to their DD. In a way, it doesn't matter. They gave OP the opportunity to reassure them and it sounds like she dismissed them instead because she thinks their 'religious' values aren't as enlightened as her own.

StaplesCorner · 20/03/2018 12:22

This is far from acceptable. I have personal experience with my DD but don't want to give details although I am desperate to comment on this. Unfortunately without being able to give details I know that what I say won't carry any weight.

It makes me so angry that people minimise this stuff - all those saying its fine, you do know that if the parents report this, it will be investigated (even if informally)? How much of a drama would that be OP? Hmm

purplelass · 20/03/2018 12:27

I think the whole thing depends on whether they were comparing what's 'normal' and the other girl panicked and told her mum she was pushed into it, or whether your DD really did push her to do something she wasn't happy with.

The way you've phrased it though, as a 'game' seems a bit odd for 11 year olds, personally I wouldn't expect this kind of play above the age of 5 or so. Certainly worth a conversation with your DD to find out what led to it and what's appropriate (which, of course, is for you to decide! From this thread you can tell everyone's personal boundaries are different)

GwenStaceyRocks · 20/03/2018 12:27

Staples I'm sorry you've had experience of this and I'm glad you're not posting about it on here Flowers
This thread is so at odds with the We Believe you campaign that it's difficult to fathom it's the same place.

SoupDragon · 20/03/2018 12:28

if she can’t say ‘No’ in that situation then I’d be worried about how I’d failed to empower her, not be whinging at another parent because she’s ‘lost her innocence’

And you wouldn’t be at all pissed off that her friend had pressured her into doing something she didn’t want to?

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2018 12:31

I wold like to hear what the OP’s dd said about it.

Creambun2 · 20/03/2018 12:31

Is your family more middle class than your dd friends family?

Birdshitbridgegotme · 20/03/2018 12:31

Uabu.if i were u I would apologise to the mother and explain to your daughter that bodies aren't shameful but are private ect. At 11 I wouldn't have showed my body to my friends like that.

Toffeelatteplease · 20/03/2018 12:31

I think the fact it was show me mine I'll show yours is a distraction.

My reaction would have been the same had it been a game of snap. I'd be concerned that there was no sign of distress from the other child at the time, I'd be telling my DD not to play snap to with other child because it had upset her and I would be sorry that the game of snap had been a source of upset.

People have a right to be upset about something even if there isn't anything inherently wrong with that thing. They do however have a duty to let the other person know, ideally when something can be done about it. I'd let someone off mentioning it too late to do anything about it once but not if it happened again.

BertrandRussell · 20/03/2018 12:33

“. I'd be concerned that there was no sign of distress from the other child at the time, ”

What sort of “concerned”?

Toffeelatteplease · 20/03/2018 12:38

If someone doesn't tell you they are upset about something or something isn't ok with them it becomes very hard to do anything with them for fear you might cause upset later. You can't trust their reactions at the time. It destroys trust and is a really bad basis for a friendship

StaplesCorner · 20/03/2018 12:42

Gwen that was a kind response thank you.

Maybe without giving details I can explain this - if this sort of thing is reported to social services they will immediately take the stance that the child who instigated the activity has been sexualised in some way. They won't have all these conversations posters are having upthread about it being "normal", not sexual and not wanting to over-react (aka minimising).

When my family had our particular experience, the NPSCC told me that the response of the other parents - whether they took it on board, apologies offered etc., would be key in deciding what to do next. And based on my experience, the OP's initial attitude would not be considered acceptable.

But bringing it back to this situation, I think Toffee has a good take on it.

AjasLipstick · 20/03/2018 12:42

Annie your attitude is disgusting and insensitive.

I remember being coerced into this kind of thing at about 8 and thinking it disgusting and not wanting to do it but being a CHILD not having the nerve to say no.

Not ALL children are confident~! Angry