Are we still friends?

[0ldchestnut]

DP and I got engaged on NYE.
Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3.
I’ve had to tell two of my close friends (who do not know each other) that it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.
1st friend was very understanding, she knew it was a hard decision that I’ve had to make and is happy to be a part of our big day.
2nd friend was not very understanding. Instead we have had a massive row over this.
She has been very judgemental and started comparing herself to the 3 girls I have chosen.
Kept on asking but why? “I’m shocked that you’ve chosen these girls over me, Ive been a better friend to you then they have.”

I’ve told her that she cannot compare herself, it’s my decision, please respect it. I was totally honest and told her that I feel closer to them than I am with her. After arguing over this, I suggested to meet up (when she has calmed down) and chat face to face as messaging can be a misunderstanding. After a couple of months, DF gets in touch and we plan a catch up.

During our catch up, she is still judging my friendship with these other girls and comparing herself to them. I told her the truth and said that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut, or if I were to have 5, she would be one of them.
She starts to cry and tells me that I see “perceive this friendship” differently.
At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

I have not heard from her for a month now.

I don’t know what to do… Where I stand? What is she thinking? Do I make her a bridesmaid, just to save our friendship?
Should I message her even though I said give her time?

I should think she's very hurt. I think your explanation made it worse, sorry.

I think you've hurt her badly. It's a slap in the face when a close friend tells you they've chosen 3 others as bridesmaids but not you. In her situation I'd feel upset, snubbed and sidelined. I would want to cool off the friendship.

What was the real reason you chose the others over her? If there was a good reason like she lives further away/has been unreliable in past/would struggle to attend the dress fittings etc... then be honest with her. Otherwise it looks like you have 3 close friends you prefer over her.

So you invited her and then uninvited her? Most people would feel pretty bad at that.

You were kind of harsh! Telling her she’s not as “close” a friend as the others and that she didn’t “make the cut” and “giving her time to reflect”?! Ouch!

She does seem to be overly invested in your day. Hopefully one day soon she’ll realise that it was just one day and that someone else’s wedding day isn’t worth getting so upset over.

You can have whoever you like as a bridesmaid but you made it sound like she’s failed an audition!!

Don’t ask her to be a bridesmaid now. It’ll just seem like you are throwing her crumbs.

It seems mean to make someone a bridesmaid and then downgrade them because you’ve changed your mind. I’m chilled out about this stuff but would be pretty annoyed if a friend did this to me.

You basically told her she values you more than you do and she did not make the cut

Yep your friendship is over

Jesus, that’s pretty harsh to tell someone they “didn’t make the cut”!

Oh my goodness, I think you were super mean. Especially the "Two years ago you'd have made the cut, but not now".

I would have cut another element of the wedding instead of causing hurt like this.

You told her she didn't make the cut? Ouch.

You can have whoever you like as a bridesmaid but you made it sound like she’s failed an audition!!

Or the second stage of a job selection process. I'd be hurt too.

Reverse?

that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut, or if I were to have 5, she would be one of them

This is a cruel thing to say to an old friend. It's also condescending, like they were competing to be your bridesmaids and she lost, but would have got the runners up prize had there been one.
In her shoes I wouldn't want to attend the wedding or have much more to do with you.
If you have 5 close friends and told them you wanted them to be bridesmaids, I think you should have 5 bridesmaids or none at all. Choosing the top 3 is unkind. Is your wedding day really so important that you would lose close friends over it?

I wouldn't stay friends with someone who spoke to me as if I were a job applicant.

Yeah that's harsh!
I was originally going to have 3 bridesmaids (one being my sibling), but finances and a quickie wedding meant that I didn't have any. It was hard explaining to everyone but I think the fact that I wasn't picking any one of them over another helped.
I can see why your friend is upset that she hasn't 'made the cut' when you're still having 3 of the original 5...

She would have made the cut a few years ago? Did you say that to her?

Yabu. You’ve been mean - you actually said she didn’t make the cut?! Was it an audition or something! That’s not how you speak to friends. I think the way you explained it made it worse, you invited her, then cut her, please for gods sake don’t invite her again - she’s not some toy.

She’s right to be upset - you’ve told her that you’re closer to other friends than her. She’s correct, she does value the friendship more than you do. I’m currently in a similar situation to your friend where a friend of mine is my bridesmaid but she’s chosen other people for hers (no family, just friends). I haven’t said anything to her about it as I’m not going to create animosity with one of my own bridesmaids or make her feel bad about her wedding, but it has made me reconsider how much I should value our friendship if the feeling isn’t mutual.

It’s quite a hurtful thing to say, and you made it sound as though being in your wedding was a great privilege that she wasn’t good enough for. Made infinitely worse by the fact that you first asked her and then un-asked her. I wouldn’t want anything to do with you or your wedding, if I were her

Oh, and the other friend you told probably feels the same but didn’t have the balls to say it to your face. Wouldn’t be surprised if she ditches you to.

I was once taken out for cocktails by a friend to inform me I hadn't made the cut as one of her bridesmaids. It was awful being told why I hadn't made the cut, however I had never had any expectations of being asked to be a bridesmaid so the whole thing was a shock. The relationship dwindled after a that, she isn't as good friends with the girls she asked either now.

I don't think YABU. Some people you're closer to than others. You can't be expected to have all your friends as bridesmaids for fear of upsetting them. Obviously you're closer to your other friends than her but for some reason she is finding it hard to understand/accept. I would message her. It can't do any harm.

Wow you really are a bit up your own bum! Why on earth tell five girls they would be bridesmaids and then drop 2. You're lucky the other girl is still talking to you.

My dhs two sisters pulled out on me months after I'd asked them over an non argument they had with their brother. We've had an awful relationship since. It was very very hurtful.

I told her the truth and said that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut

Please tell me these were not the exact words you used.

You’ve been really cruel.

And I didn't read it that OP had asked her to be bridesmaid and then downgraded her. I read it that she hadn't even asked her