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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are we still friends?

255 replies

0ldchestnut · 16/03/2018 14:29

DP and I got engaged on NYE.
Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3.
I’ve had to tell two of my close friends (who do not know each other) that it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.
1st friend was very understanding, she knew it was a hard decision that I’ve had to make and is happy to be a part of our big day.
2nd friend was not very understanding. Instead we have had a massive row over this.
She has been very judgemental and started comparing herself to the 3 girls I have chosen.
Kept on asking but why? “I’m shocked that you’ve chosen these girls over me, Ive been a better friend to you then they have.”

I’ve told her that she cannot compare herself, it’s my decision, please respect it. I was totally honest and told her that I feel closer to them than I am with her. After arguing over this, I suggested to meet up (when she has calmed down) and chat face to face as messaging can be a misunderstanding. After a couple of months, DF gets in touch and we plan a catch up.

During our catch up, she is still judging my friendship with these other girls and comparing herself to them. I told her the truth and said that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut, or if I were to have 5, she would be one of them.
She starts to cry and tells me that I see “perceive this friendship” differently.
At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

I have not heard from her for a month now.

I don’t know what to do… Where I stand? What is she thinking? Do I make her a bridesmaid, just to save our friendship?
Should I message her even though I said give her time?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 16/03/2018 14:56

Also, why couldn't you have kept those two, having initially asked them? Is the budget too tight for two more dresses and bouquets?

Lethaldrizzle · 16/03/2018 14:56

Even 3 bridesmaids is a bit ott!

QueenofallIsee · 16/03/2018 14:58

If you handled it just as you have written then I think it was a bit twattish. You sound a bit Lady Bountiful, regretfully conveying a great honour shall not be bestowed. I really hope you didn't say that she didn't make the cut! ouch!

carryondoctor · 16/03/2018 15:00

I also don't think it was a case of ask and un-ask - that would be even worse.

You've tried to be honest but you've just hurt her, sorry. One of my very close friends didn't ask me (I was relieved to be honest, done it one time too many as it is!), but she did ask me to make a speech at the reception "instead" - I declined politely.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/03/2018 15:02

I'm pretty staggered by your behaviour and the way you're trying to defend it.

No of course you're not still friends! Bloody hell. You've been awful to someone you're apparently close to. You sound like one of those women who turn being engaged into some sort of massive power trip, doling out and taking back favour and jobs. How old are you all?!

sixtimesseven · 16/03/2018 15:02

Poor woman! ( The lady you downgraded as a friend.)

Were you going to sit her at the loser table at the wedding as well?

splendide · 16/03/2018 15:03

Did you leave a good dramatic pause to ramp up the tension before telling her she was unsuccessful?

tigerrun · 16/03/2018 15:04

Ouch! 'Didn't make the cut'!! I'd go with no OP based on that (& quite rightly!).

My 8 year old makes list of who is his number one best friend and number 2 best friend and who is coming to his party (in 10 months) and it changes all the time. Even he knows not to share that information with the friends in question. I'm cringing for you.

Orangecake123 · 16/03/2018 15:05

I wouldn't blame her to be honest.

Sparklesocks · 16/03/2018 15:06

Honestly you handled that badly, clearly she was hurt and rather than acknowledge that and speak to her delicately, you treated her like a job applicant!
Also you said 'I understand if you dont want to be my friend anymore' shows just how easily you'd abandon this friendship.
I wouldn't really want to be your mate after this.

Also, did you really say you didnt make the cut?? That reeks of arrogance! It's a wedding, not getting into NASA!!

flippyfloppyflower · 16/03/2018 15:06

Please please tell me this is a wind up. You were very very cruel (whether you meant to be or not). I am not surprised that you haven't heard from her and I think the friendship is now over.

She probably feels that if you can do this to her now what else could you do to her in the future. Time to move on now and think of it as a lesson learned.

TomRavenscroft · 16/03/2018 15:07

Oh, I don't know. Are people not being a bit harsh? The OP had to cut the numbers. Someone was going to be hurt no matter what.

StilettosAreANoNo · 16/03/2018 15:07

It’s quite a hurtful thing to say, and you made it sound as though being in your wedding was a great privilege that she wasn’t good enough for. Made infinitely worse by the fact that you first asked her and then un-asked her. I wouldn’t want anything to do with you or your wedding, if I were her

Coco succinctly says it all.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 16/03/2018 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
0ldchestnut · 16/03/2018 15:07

Sorry, I should have been more clear.

Not once, did I ask her “will you be my bridesmaid?” – she assumed she would be one and told people that she was.

I didn’t use those exact words – you didn’t make the cut. I said if I had 5, she would have been one.

The only reason why I told her I felt closer to the other girls is because she kept comparing herself to them. “Why did you chose them over me?, I am more loyal than your MOH, I am more trustworthy than your bridesmaids”…

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 16/03/2018 15:07

Quite frankly I wouldn't jump hoops to remain friends with you, OP. What you said to your friend was unforgivable.

Eastersnake · 16/03/2018 15:08

I think your friend was in the wrong,she had no right quizzing you about why she wasn't a bridesmaid

LadyinCement · 16/03/2018 15:09

Brutal!

I visited a very good friend and spotted she had this photo frame bearing the legend “The women in my life” . There were eight spots and I had not made the cut Sad . The friendship slid after that. Mind you, could I ever be friends with someone who had such a naff photo frame?!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/03/2018 15:10

You both sound about 15.

She shouldn't have kept on and on about why she wasn't a bridesmaid.

But you basically told her she's 4th of 5th in-line for your friendship?

Not surprised you haven't heard from her!

zesty7 · 16/03/2018 15:12

Glad that this isnt me you are so horrible op

RockPaperCut · 16/03/2018 15:13

Ouch. That was a pretty hurtful thing to say, if you valued the friendship. It’s your wedding but you handled it really badly here. Call her and apologise.

ClareFoy · 16/03/2018 15:13

Yep, all a bit power trippy I’m afraid.

I just do not get all the “it’s my wedding” whining that people go in for.
The worst part for me was when she said to you “but I’ve been a better friend to you”. It sort of sounded quite sincere, as if she had looked out for you and been loyal to you, felt genuinely fond of you, and knew that the other two perhaps didn’t have as much integrity?
I very much hope you didn’t do it for ‘political reasons: ie thinking the other two would come in handier for social climbing/look better on photos/are the right people to be seen to know.
There might be a time when your wedding is long forgotten but you wish you still had her as a friend. Hopefully not. But try to not to relish being the decision maker so much in future friendships.

Furiosa · 16/03/2018 15:13

Have you invited her to the wedding?

GerdaLovesLili · 16/03/2018 15:13

I think she's realised that you are not her friend, and probably never really were.

Pregnantgrumpygal · 16/03/2018 15:14

That seems unnecessarily cruel OP. I could not have done this, and would have asked none rather than leave someone out like that.
I’ve recently had a “friend” who previously said to our small group of friends (me included) “obviously I’ll have you guys as bridesmaids” to then find out a few months later she had asked them and not me. Got to admit it has tainted my view of her and I doubt things will ever be the same again now. Nice to see she’s not alone though, there are people even crueler apparently..