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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we still friends?

255 replies

0ldchestnut · 16/03/2018 14:29

DP and I got engaged on NYE.
Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3.
I’ve had to tell two of my close friends (who do not know each other) that it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.
1st friend was very understanding, she knew it was a hard decision that I’ve had to make and is happy to be a part of our big day.
2nd friend was not very understanding. Instead we have had a massive row over this.
She has been very judgemental and started comparing herself to the 3 girls I have chosen.
Kept on asking but why? “I’m shocked that you’ve chosen these girls over me, Ive been a better friend to you then they have.”

I’ve told her that she cannot compare herself, it’s my decision, please respect it. I was totally honest and told her that I feel closer to them than I am with her. After arguing over this, I suggested to meet up (when she has calmed down) and chat face to face as messaging can be a misunderstanding. After a couple of months, DF gets in touch and we plan a catch up.

During our catch up, she is still judging my friendship with these other girls and comparing herself to them. I told her the truth and said that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut, or if I were to have 5, she would be one of them.
She starts to cry and tells me that I see “perceive this friendship” differently.
At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

I have not heard from her for a month now.

I don’t know what to do… Where I stand? What is she thinking? Do I make her a bridesmaid, just to save our friendship?
Should I message her even though I said give her time?

OP posts:
pumpersnatch · 16/03/2018 15:14

Seriously, grown women crying and stressing about bridesmaids.

Why would you say " if it had been a few years ago you would have made it " !!!! Thats SO SO rude !!
Was there some kind of friendship test she had to pass ??

You literally sound about 15 !

ClareFoy · 16/03/2018 15:15

I was typing while you were posting.

sixtimesseven · 16/03/2018 15:15

Fine -- poor woman has no shame if she's demanding to know why she isn't a bridesmaid without being asked.

And if she isn't in your top three mates why would you be bothered about still being friends?

It's over let go.

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 16/03/2018 15:16

personally I wouldn't give a shit about not being a bridesmaid, but I would be beyond hurt to be basically told that I am not that close a friend which is effectively what you are saying. I would be ditching your arse

Certcert · 16/03/2018 15:17

Ouch!

Made worse by telling her she was a crapper friend than the other three.

Yes, you had a decision to make, but...

Even names out of a hat would have been slightly better.

Glitterandunicorns · 16/03/2018 15:20

OP, even after your clarification, you haven't covered yourself in glory here.

I agree with previous posters that you were unreasonable and have treated your friend badly. In saying to her that if you had 5 bridesmaids that she would have been included, is insinuating that the other three who are bridesmaids are better than her and that she's somehow a second-tier friend.

I would imagine that your friendship will struggle to recover from this.

NotAgainYoda · 16/03/2018 15:23

You can't change how she feels about this. You've told her the truth pf how you feel and it doesn't match how she feels about you. You'd feel hurt if you cared more for a friend that they did for you, I imagine.

The form of words you chose, whilst truthful, was hurtful to her.

Also: 'made the cut'. That sounds a little like you are up yourself and bestowing your amazing wedding on others

If I were her I'd not keep going on about it though. She can't change things any more than you can change how you feel.

Stop trying and let her lick her wounds. No, you probably aren't friends any more

LittleBirdBlues · 16/03/2018 15:23

Why couldn't you just have five bridesmaids? Is it really worth causing hurt and losing friends over?

Your actions don't make you sound like a very good friend.

FairiesVsPixies · 16/03/2018 15:27

As a matter of interest, why have you decided on 3 now, rather than the original 5?

LoveInTokyo · 16/03/2018 15:29

Oh jeez, you both sound quite hard work and immature, to be honest.

Who started the bridesmaid conversation, you or her? If it was you, that was your first mistake. It is your choice who to have as bridesmaids and you don’t owe anyone else an apology or an explanation. Not unless there’s a reason why they would expect to be one, such as you suggesting that they would, or being a group of four friends who always hang out together and you asking the other two but not her.

If there’s nothing like that, she had no reason to expect to be your bridesmaid. If she started the conversation then that was damn cheeky of her. If you started it then more fool you - you opened a can of worms and certainly didn’t cover yourself in glory by telling her she “didn’t make the cut”.

How much do you value her friendship? If she is important to you, go and apologise. Don’t ask her to be your bridesmaid (it would feel false now anyway, and you’d probably have to ask the fifth girl too) but say you’re sorry for hurting her feelings and try to patch things up with her.

NotAgainYoda · 16/03/2018 15:29

Yes. Why not 2, or 4?

EnglishRose13 · 16/03/2018 15:30

*"If I had 5, she would have been one"
*
What an awful thing to say to someone! You've told her she comes fifth in your rankings. I can't believe she's that keen to be honest, I think you've treated her appallingly.

LoveInTokyo · 16/03/2018 15:31

Also, I agree with the posters who have said you sound a bit up yourself, like being your bridesmaid is a huge honour to be bestowed on only the most worthy. Get over yourself. You’re getting married, not being crowned queen.

Finderscrispy · 16/03/2018 15:33

Why was she under the impression she was going to be a bridesmaid, until you explained her position in the friend ranking system ?

senua · 16/03/2018 15:36

She starts to cry and tells me that I see “perceive this friendship” differently.
At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

Translation
Her: I'm starting to think that this is a bit one-sided
OP: yeah, you're right. Byeeee.

FairiesVsPixies · 16/03/2018 15:37

"Well done friend 1, 2 and 3 you've made it through to the next round.....I'm sorry friend 4 and 5, you'll be leaving us, because, well, you just didn't cut it....." Grin

BearsandHearts · 16/03/2018 15:37

You sound arrogant. This happened to me once and I said bye bye to the bride and saved myself a fortunate on her wearing shite

BearsandHearts · 16/03/2018 15:37

Oops wedding shite

KaliforniaDreamz · 16/03/2018 15:45

"she might have made the cut" oh dear.

as an aside...
are you Meghan Markle?

cafenoirbiscuit · 16/03/2018 15:48

Couldn't you have thought of something she could do - a reading, etc? Doubt she'll want to do much for you now though

UrgentExitRequired · 16/03/2018 15:49

I think you have been harsh here, you could've just said that you can only afford to have 3 bridesmaids. No need to mention the friendship you have with the others at all.

Funkyslippers · 16/03/2018 15:49

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP here.

thecatsthecats · 16/03/2018 15:51

Speaking as someone who was probably 4th choice to a friend who had three bridesmaids, you handled that badly. There's no such thing as a 'you're not a bridesmaid' conversation.

And yes, I compared myself to her other bridesmaids. One of whom fucked off on her hen do to another bar abandoning her so she almost cried, another who yelled at her for staying friends with a girl she'd fallen out with. (I'll concede that the third girl is lovely!).

Possibly, she quite legitimately sees things you don't in these women - bad things. (FWIW, my friend was plainly frustrated and embarrassed by the others, and as many pointed out to me, probably liked having a non-involved friend for support).

CisPinkHoodie · 16/03/2018 15:53

Funky

Maybe. I think she has been pushed into explaining herself in a way that is hurtful to the friend. The truth is out. My motto as a friend has been always to have a little pride. Don't beg or question. Friends will show you how they feel about you and sometimes you just have to accept that friendships are not seen the same by both sides. You then decide to walk away if they really upset you.

Snobbles · 16/03/2018 15:55

'it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.'

This is the spiel I send to applicants who don't make it to the interview stage. You sound like a total plonker with far too high an opinion of herself and her wedding.