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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we still friends?

255 replies

0ldchestnut · 16/03/2018 14:29

DP and I got engaged on NYE.
Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3.
I’ve had to tell two of my close friends (who do not know each other) that it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.
1st friend was very understanding, she knew it was a hard decision that I’ve had to make and is happy to be a part of our big day.
2nd friend was not very understanding. Instead we have had a massive row over this.
She has been very judgemental and started comparing herself to the 3 girls I have chosen.
Kept on asking but why? “I’m shocked that you’ve chosen these girls over me, Ive been a better friend to you then they have.”

I’ve told her that she cannot compare herself, it’s my decision, please respect it. I was totally honest and told her that I feel closer to them than I am with her. After arguing over this, I suggested to meet up (when she has calmed down) and chat face to face as messaging can be a misunderstanding. After a couple of months, DF gets in touch and we plan a catch up.

During our catch up, she is still judging my friendship with these other girls and comparing herself to them. I told her the truth and said that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut, or if I were to have 5, she would be one of them.
She starts to cry and tells me that I see “perceive this friendship” differently.
At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

I have not heard from her for a month now.

I don’t know what to do… Where I stand? What is she thinking? Do I make her a bridesmaid, just to save our friendship?
Should I message her even though I said give her time?

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 17/03/2018 10:17

She's obviously hurt. I find it hard to believe you've never given her an inkling that she was going to be a bridesmaid as you say in your op 'i wanted 5 bridesmaids' which implies at some point you've had a conversation about this even if it was long before the engagement.

Don't know what to do about it though. Ring and apologize?

Aeroflotgirl · 17/03/2018 10:18

Is that her and her fiancée who discussed it, or she has discussed it with tge friends.

InspMorse · 17/03/2018 10:21

Well OP, she's seen your true colours. You have hurt her and have been really unkind.

TidyDancer · 17/03/2018 10:29

Not having her as a bridesmaid, that situation is salvageable. Telling her how you did, possibly not.

OP you have been horribly insensitive at best. I wouldn't be shocked if you have lost this friendship.

LeighaJ · 17/03/2018 10:31

0ldchestnut

"At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect."

I can completely understand if she doesn't want to be friends with you anymore too. You handled the whole thing about as poorly as possible, it's too late to fix it now imo.

issaflame · 17/03/2018 10:37

If I were her, I think I would be annoyed if you tried to salvage the friendship. For now, let her be and have your wedding with the top 3.

Ladywillpower · 17/03/2018 10:52

I have never been a bridesmaid (what sort of friend must I have been to have never "made the cut") it has never really bothered me & I have been happy to go along & just enjoy the day.
When my daughter got married she asked her 2 sisters (avoided the left out friend problem).
Your friend has behaved childishly in assuming she would be BM when it is your day & there are all sorts of things to take into consideration. However your response to her was hurtful & ridiculous!

MaiaRindell · 17/03/2018 11:02

This exact thing happened to me, although the bride dressed it up as being for my own benefit. I felt very hurt and wished she'd been honest. I went to the wedding since I was worried there would be no way back from that and because our mutual friends may have wondered what happened. I then discovered that the bride told all our mutual friends that I had pulled out and she was upset about it. Surprise, surprise, I have never spoken to her since. She has never even tried to apologise or admit the truth to people.
I wonder about her the same as I wonder about you OP...why is reducing the number of bridesmaids so much more important than a close friend's feeling and your friendship. It's an important event - but it's just one day.

CornforthWhite · 17/03/2018 12:12

For me there was one wedding where I hoped I was a bridesmaid and wasn't and it slightly stung, but the bride never had a conversation with me, so over time I just realised that I wasn't going to be asked.
It was much kinder to both of us to not "have a conversation" about it and that's where you've gone wrong OP.
I kept smiling about her wedding plans when we met up and she didn't rub my nose in it. It made me realise I wasn't as close to her as I thought, but it wasn't the end of our relationship.

NinjagoNinja · 17/03/2018 13:44

"At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect."

Please tell me you said it exactly like this? OP you are fabulously awful. Like Blair from Gossipp Girl! Do you all sit on the steps of your local art gallery eating yogurt at lunchtime? In matching hair bands? Do they reapply each year for their positions as your friends? Brilliant.

Out of interest, how many of them, after a period of reflection, have slapped you in the face?

HolyMountain · 17/03/2018 13:50

we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect."

Shock, this is priceless and not in a good way either.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 17/03/2018 13:50

didnt make the cut?

Ouch.

Sorry but you sound insensitive, unkind and self obsessed and I think it’s a good thing this friend has found that out now.

And I would say your friendship is over, yes

Catinthebath · 17/03/2018 14:39

OP should have saved herself all this bother but not explaining herself when the friend kicked up a fuss. The friend was presumptuous

SaintLucia · 19/03/2018 01:02

I'm thinking no you're not still friends

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 19/03/2018 01:41

My friend had five bridesmaids and countless children as flower girls, page boys etc. The groom had two best men. It all got completely out of hand and they felt unable to say no. They wanted a small wedding.

Shouldn't a wedding be about two people getting married the way they want?

Not pandering to their families requests for invitations to countless unknown relatives, new partners never met before and how some virtually unknown badly behaved child to be flower girl/page boy and continuously disturb the actual service?

dancinfeet · 19/03/2018 07:37

I had a young niece beg to be a bridesmaid (I was previously my sister's bridesmaid and it was her daughter). My mum then pointed out that if I chose her, I would have to also include all of my other nieces and nephews as bridesmaids / flower girls / ushers / pageboys, otherwise it wouldn't be fair. There were nine of them and I just couldn't afford to buy outfits for them all. In the end I didn't have any, and my sister threw a PA strop (didn't say anything directly) but refused to allow her kids to come to the wedding.

Skarossinkplunger · 19/03/2018 07:57

I really don’t think this is salvageable. I wouldn’t see my friendship in the same
light if this had happened to me.

joystir59 · 19/03/2018 08:05

If I were your friend I'd tell you to eff off

cambodianfoxhound · 19/03/2018 08:36

These things always hurt more than you think they will. I had an experience where there was the bride and groom and three couples who were friends (myself and DH included). My DH and each person in the other two couples were given a role in the wedding, I wasn't.

I wasn't bothered until the wedding came, and then I was sort of excluded from so much - the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner where gifts were given out to them all and then all of 'wedding party' getting ready together on the morning. It just felt so painfully obvious to me that I had been left out. I felt wounded at the time and it did make me think differently of the couple to be honest.

Sounds very childish but it is surprising how easily our feelings can be hurt even as adults when we realise that we are valued much less by friends than we thought, or than how much we value them.

It is difficult to see how you can salvage this now, as what has been said cannot be unsaid. I was going to say ask her to do a reading or something, but I think it might look really obvious that you are 'throwing her a bone'...

SnowSki · 19/03/2018 08:58

OP, you obviously missed out on charm school & diplomatic relations, because charming you are not. You sound like you have a very high opinion of yourself (not that there’s anything necessarily wrong with that) but in this case you’ve made being a ‘bridesmaid’ at your wedding like it’s a prize to be won or an award your bestowing your subjects. It is not! They are actually doing you a favour.

Your whole language to your friend from beginning to the end is awful and I can only hope she never contacts you again.

YellowFlower201 · 19/03/2018 09:20

Your last sentence to her is just plain shocking! What possessed you?
I guess all you can do is try to apologise and say you got it all wrong and should not have spoken to her like that. offer her a reading or something like that. Nobody can tell you if it'll work. You'll just have to try and hope for the best.
It would take a lot of hard work on your part to get back from this. I doubt you'll put it in though tbh... you've waited a whole month too long already.

SnowSki · 19/03/2018 09:26

Yellow Judging by OP’s unashamed recount of the whole sorry situation on this thread, sadly she sounds like one of those people who just do not get it! I don't think she remotely comprehends what everyone is making such a fuss about or where she has gone wrong, its my wedding and all thatHmm.

areyoubeingserviced · 19/03/2018 09:28

Op , agree that you were a bit harsh.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 19/03/2018 10:27

YANBU. What else were you meant to say?

It's not your fault your friend is making a big thing out of it. It's only being a bridesmaid FFS.

She pushed and pushed you for a reason. You had no other reason than you felt closer over recent years to the 3 you picked.

It's no big deal.

fearfultrill · 19/03/2018 10:39

@HouseworkIsASin10 I think it's the patronising, condescending, arrogant way the OP told her and dealt with it that people have an issue with

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