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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we still friends?

255 replies

0ldchestnut · 16/03/2018 14:29

DP and I got engaged on NYE.
Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3.
I’ve had to tell two of my close friends (who do not know each other) that it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.
1st friend was very understanding, she knew it was a hard decision that I’ve had to make and is happy to be a part of our big day.
2nd friend was not very understanding. Instead we have had a massive row over this.
She has been very judgemental and started comparing herself to the 3 girls I have chosen.
Kept on asking but why? “I’m shocked that you’ve chosen these girls over me, Ive been a better friend to you then they have.”

I’ve told her that she cannot compare herself, it’s my decision, please respect it. I was totally honest and told her that I feel closer to them than I am with her. After arguing over this, I suggested to meet up (when she has calmed down) and chat face to face as messaging can be a misunderstanding. After a couple of months, DF gets in touch and we plan a catch up.

During our catch up, she is still judging my friendship with these other girls and comparing herself to them. I told her the truth and said that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut, or if I were to have 5, she would be one of them.
She starts to cry and tells me that I see “perceive this friendship” differently.
At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

I have not heard from her for a month now.

I don’t know what to do… Where I stand? What is she thinking? Do I make her a bridesmaid, just to save our friendship?
Should I message her even though I said give her time?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 16/03/2018 15:55

You handled this exceptionally badly from the off and made it worse when you met up. You can have who you like for your bridesmaids but there's ways of handling it. I think quite honestly you've broken the friendship.

FalconHeavy · 16/03/2018 15:58

Your poor friend. If she really meant something to you, you would have made her another part of the wedding party. It's also sad you don't seem to see much value in the longer term of this friendship. You've hurt her, no matter how dramatic she is, what you said was horrible.

Snobbles · 16/03/2018 15:58

And my advice to your friend would be 'Woman up a bit. It's really not worth getting in a state over'.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 16/03/2018 16:02

If this is just the choosing bridesmaids stage, I dread to see the bridezilla you're going to be when it comes to the venue, cake, dress etc.

I hope the 3 bridesmaids are mumsnetters!

LoveInTokyo · 16/03/2018 16:02

I hoped to be a bridesmaid for any friend since I introduced her and her husband and we were still close. She chose her oldest childhood friend as her maid of honour and two uni mates as her bridesmaids.

But they invited a few of their other close friends to spend the night before at the venue with them and all hang out together, they asked me to do a reading at their ceremony and the groom gave me a little shout out in his speech for setting them up all those years ago.

Funnily enough, our friendship has not suffered for me not being a bridesmaid. But then I guess we were all behaving like adults rather than children.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/03/2018 16:05

I said if I had 5, she would have been one.

Oh OP you are a pretty tactless one aren't you! So if you had 4 she still wouldn't have been in?

Although I must admit if you have 5 very close friends and decide only to have 3 bridesmaids its always going to be tough how to word it. I would personally prioritise my friends and cut back elsewhere. The wedding and all its finery is one day which will pass by in a blur and not as important as friendships.

I have not heard from her for a month now.

Have you tried to contact her, not text, called her? You owe her a huge apology and need to work out how to put it right.

Original poster
0ldchestnut · 16/03/2018 16:07

omg you're right. I've been the worst friend. Handled the situation all wrong.
Honestly, is this salvageable? Sad

OP posts:
KeithLeMonde · 16/03/2018 16:07

Actually, OP, I have quite a lot of sympathy with you.

I've been where your friend is - someone I considered to be one of my very few best friends got married and chose two others to be bridesmaids and not me. I felt very hurt however I accepted that it was a tough choice for her to make, and that it didn't mean that she didn't value me as a friend.

I think your friend has been the U one - from reading your post it sounds like you only said the things to her about being closer to the others after she had pushed you hard to justify your choice of bridesmaids. She was pushing you to answer the question and I can't think of any answer you could have given that would not have been hurtful.

FluffyWuffy100 · 16/03/2018 16:08

Nah nah nah nahhhh mahhhhhh you’re not my best friend, you’re only my #5 friend

That’s what you did. You sound unbelievable.

BearsandHearts · 16/03/2018 16:09

Op I wouldn't be as needy as your mate has been. She does need more pride but I understand her stance on this. I think you may have to accept that the friendship is over.

DalekDalekDalek · 16/03/2018 16:10

She didn't make the cut? I wouldn't want to still be friends with someone who treated me like that! I expect she is incredibly hurt.

Titaniumpins · 16/03/2018 16:10

eek it would be very hard not to feel snubbed and upset I am afraid. Perhaps the other girls you told kept her feelings inside - not everyone is as honest as this friend. I am not sure what you can do to rectify this esp after your face-to-face. TBH i think the friendship if it gets back on track will never be the same - sorry :-(

Purpledahlia88 · 16/03/2018 16:13

She might have "made the cut"? Wow! It's not the royal wedding.

namechange2222 · 16/03/2018 16:13

I’ll give you some time to reflect.
Honestly i think you're lucky she didn't slap you. How bloody patronising

Purpledahlia88 · 16/03/2018 16:14

Honestly you seem quite nasty and if I were her I would not want to talk to you anymore

FinnegansCake · 16/03/2018 16:14

Wow. That wasn’t very nice of you, OP.

I’d have been upset too, if I’d been told I hadn’t made the grade in the friendship stakes... although I certainly wouldn’t have cried and begged to be bridesmaid after such a slap in the face.

What’s so special about your wedding that people are vying to be bridesmaid... is that you, Meghan? Grin

TacoFlavouredKisses · 16/03/2018 16:16

You told her she "might have made the cut " a couple of years ago?! And after initially asking her to be a bridesmaid and then withdrawing the offer?

Awful. The poor woman. You'd think it was an audition for some grand production rather than your wedding.

BearsandHearts · 16/03/2018 16:17

This is partly why I stick to family only for bridesmaids and godparents etc. I appreciate not everyone can do that but it makes life simpler!

HP540 · 16/03/2018 16:17

Why don't you take this time to reflect on what made you treat your friend so cruelly? After a period of reflection, you might want to contact her to apologise and perhaps if she sees fit, she might re accept you as a friend.

BewareOfDragons · 16/03/2018 16:18

You don't need ANY bridesmaids, tbh.

And if you do have bridesmaids, they don't have to 'match' the number of groomsmen. It's your wedding; you can do what you want.

Since you want bridesmaids, you easily could have had your 5 close friends, and then none of this ridiculous drama would have happened in the first place. But you chose 3 of them and made the one of them feel like shit when she was hurt. Well done.

I imagine she doesn't want to be your friend any more.

Snobbles · 16/03/2018 16:18

Honestly, is this salvageable?

Most likely.

Apologise for your clumsy handling, tell her you value her friendship and go from there. She clearly thinks a lot of you.

cokeheadEX · 16/03/2018 16:19

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blackteasplease · 16/03/2018 16:21

The way you went about it was awful. Surely if you don't want someone to be a bm you just don't say anything?

I was the friend who wasn't one of the "top 4" (or whatever, I can't remember the number) years ago and my friend one day said.to me "would you like to do a reading at my wedding ". That did the trick! I'm not the type to mind anyway. Other friends have only said something if they did want me to be bm not if they didn't. I had no adult bridesmaids which is always a good idea if you don't want anyone to be upset - my oldest school friend was a witness, looked after me on hen night etc. But as an adult I didn't have a best friend - I was equally.friendly with about five or six people.so thought bollocks to choosing between then. The chances of them liking the same outfit were also small!

Winosaurus · 16/03/2018 16:23

Ffs I’d have picked cheaper bridesmaid dresses and had all 5 Shock
I’m really shocked people actually treat their friends like this!

Titaniumpins · 16/03/2018 16:24

@cokeheadEX thats a bit harsh and pretty nasty yourself. Its clear that she realises now she has handled it in a totally tactless and hurtful manner. But if she was such a nasty cow she wouldn't be here looking for advice on how to salvage it.

I don't know why people can't be tactful when replying to these posts. Being nasty while calling someone nasty I mean really?.

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