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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are we still friends?

255 replies

0ldchestnut · 16/03/2018 14:29

DP and I got engaged on NYE.
Initially I wanted to have 5 bridesmaids, however, we’ve decided on 3.
I’ve had to tell two of my close friends (who do not know each other) that it had been a hard decision but I cannot have them as bridesmaids.
1st friend was very understanding, she knew it was a hard decision that I’ve had to make and is happy to be a part of our big day.
2nd friend was not very understanding. Instead we have had a massive row over this.
She has been very judgemental and started comparing herself to the 3 girls I have chosen.
Kept on asking but why? “I’m shocked that you’ve chosen these girls over me, Ive been a better friend to you then they have.”

I’ve told her that she cannot compare herself, it’s my decision, please respect it. I was totally honest and told her that I feel closer to them than I am with her. After arguing over this, I suggested to meet up (when she has calmed down) and chat face to face as messaging can be a misunderstanding. After a couple of months, DF gets in touch and we plan a catch up.

During our catch up, she is still judging my friendship with these other girls and comparing herself to them. I told her the truth and said that I feel closer with these other girls and I that if we had got engaged a couple years back, she might have made the cut, or if I were to have 5, she would be one of them.
She starts to cry and tells me that I see “perceive this friendship” differently.
At the end of this, we hug and I say: I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect.

I have not heard from her for a month now.

I don’t know what to do… Where I stand? What is she thinking? Do I make her a bridesmaid, just to save our friendship?
Should I message her even though I said give her time?

OP posts:
HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 16/03/2018 17:03

Honestly, is this salvageable?

not sure it is to be honest, you have made her feel shit, unimportant and undervalued, friends do not do that to each other. I don't even think it would be about being a bridesmaid, but more about her place and the importance or not of her friendship to you, you can't unsay things, you can only say sorry, if I was her I would listen but distance myself from you, nobody wants to feel like they don't matter or "make the cut"

Ihatemyclients · 16/03/2018 17:03

I think I would be very hurt to be told I 'hadn't made the cut' by a friend

Charolais · 16/03/2018 17:04

I keep away from people like you.

LadyinCement · 16/03/2018 17:06

I think “honest” conversations are much overrated. Less is more is nearly always more tactful. I never understand these people who complain about being “ghosted” (aka dumped) and want someone to tell them why. Nope, just don’t go there. It’s far better to ponder on why you’ve been given the heave-ho as a friend or girlfriend than hear the possibly highly embarrassing or devastating warts and all truth.

KitKat1985 · 16/03/2018 17:06

Hmm, I think she was wrong to assume she was going to be a bridesmaid, but I'm guessing she must be (was?) quite a good friend to have made this assumption. I think in your situation I'd have just had 5 bridesmaids to avoid the upset but set a clear budget limit on dresses etc so the costs didn't spiral.

Not exactly the same but someone I thought was a pretty close friend got married last year and I only got an evening invite. She explained this was because the groom had a big family so the wedding was basically family only as that already made up a lot of day guests, and they were having friends just come along in the evening as they were on a really tight budget. All fine. Until on the evening I met another friend of hers who let slip she had been there all day, and up until that point I thought we were fairly 'equal' friends of hers. But obviously she must have felt differently if she wanted her other friend there and not me. I've never said anything, but it did hurt to realise I clearly wasn't a good enough friend to make 'the cut' for the day list.

Oblomov18 · 16/03/2018 17:06

You have hurt her very badly. And you keep making it worse each time, by saying worse and worse things!

Milliepede · 16/03/2018 17:06

I don't think it's not being a bridesmaid that is the most upsetting thing for your now ex friend. It has made her realise that you do not care for her as she cares for you. You perhaps need to ask yourself "Has she been a better friend then the chosen three". You have hurt her very badly and I don't think your friendship will recover; would you want to continue to be friends with someone who doesn't care for you as much as them?

RedDogsBeg · 16/03/2018 17:07

I'm hoping you didn't come across as pompous and condescending to your friend as your opening post and the wording of it did on here, OP, because if you did then, no, I don't believe the friendship is salvageable.

Your patronising closing comment to your friend "I understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll give you some time to reflect." sounds as if you think incredibly highly of yourself and others should be eternally grateful that you've so graciously bestowed the gift of your friendship upon them.

If you really want to try and save the friendship the only option open to you is to grovel, apologise profusely and properly for what you have said and the way you have behaved over this and hope that your friend is prepared to forgive and forget. When I say apologise properly I mean exactly that, don't try and put any of the blame on her, don't use the mealy-mouthed non apology mantra of "I'm sorry if I upset you", you know you have upset and humiliated her.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 16/03/2018 17:07

You sound charming!

mamabear2010 · 16/03/2018 17:08

Been there twice .1st time I was devastated and nearly 10 years later she said sorry . 2nd time I felt I had no choice but to say yes when asked but when I didn't arrange her hen party (due to me being on a family holiday and wedding was 2 yrs away ) as soon as I got home she dumped me as bridesmaid , which I was very relieved about as I wasn't a close friend to her and she was blew hot and cold

KitKat1985 · 16/03/2018 17:10

Mamabear the bride wanted a hen party 2 years before the wedding? Confused How odd!

N2986 · 16/03/2018 17:11

I think it is salvageable, but you need to apologise for how you explained to her. I'd emphasise that you thought she'd handle it better than the other three and, if she wanted to, you'd love her to do a reading or something etc.

If you really care about her you need to make her feel valued as your friend.

I was hurt to not be BM to any of my friends, however also relieved. In reality I'd hate the attention and pressure of it all- and the awful dresses.

username7979 · 16/03/2018 17:13

Your behaviour was hurtful and unacceptable.
Once you told them they are bridesmaid you have to see this through.
I hope you realise this by now. And sorry if you find this hard.

Ruffian · 16/03/2018 17:15

OP can't be all bad or she wouldn't have 5 friends to choose from! The 1st friend was fine about it so perhaps is a more balanced person than this other friend.

Yes, OP handled it badly - a white lie would have been kinder rather than keep emphasising that the chosen 3 were closer friends.

Cantusethatname · 16/03/2018 17:19

Anyone seen "Nosedive", one of the Black Mirror episodes?

Oblomov18 · 16/03/2018 17:21

Salvageable?

Only by re-installing her and the other sacked bridesmaid, back to being 5.

With many many apologies and making up lunches and phone calls.

Does it cost a lot to have 5 bridesmaids ? Compared to 3?

Why did you ever choose to cut it to 3? If money is that tight, get a loan to cover the difference?

mistermagpie · 16/03/2018 17:21

I have been your friend. My best friend from uni chose three bridesmaids and I wasn't one of them, even though one of the girls she did choose was actually someone she wasn't as close with (and now never even sees). I tried to remain 'cool' about it but one night out I told her how hurt I was. She said it had been a really hard decision but she is very religious and I'm not, so she just didn't feel she could choose me.

Our friendship took a bit of a hit at the time, but this was over ten years ago and now we are actually closer than ever. She has told me she really regrets that she didn't choose me and that I'm not standing with her in her wedding photos.

Friendships come and go but whether you have her or not, don't let this ruin your friendship. You might end up closer to her than the others for all you know, a wedding is just one day. I'm so glad me and my friend didn't let her decision spoil things because it would have been way worse to lose her than it was not to be a bridesmaid. It's all water under the bridge now.

Contact her and apologise for how crassly you put it. I'm not surprised she's hurt but this can be fixed.

IMBU · 16/03/2018 17:26

Some of the wording you used was insensitive and comes across a bit bridezillerish to be honest. "Made the cut? It sounds like an audition/ selection process for a job interview.

CotswoldStrife · 16/03/2018 17:31

Did you really tell her that if you had 5 bridesmaids she'd be one of them? Ranking your friends like that to their face is not nice!

From what you've said about her being a bridesmaid if it was a few years earlier, it sounds like the friendship has waned a bit from your side but not hers. I don't think your friend is right to hassle you about being a bridesmaid but you do seem to have been a bit brutal in telling her why she isn't!

BroomHandledMouser · 16/03/2018 17:33

Ahh she’s really hurt and I don’t blame her tbh.

Slightly different scenario but my ‘good mate’ asked if I wanted to be godparent to her son. I was excited and really honoured that she chose me.

A few weeks later I got a text to say that names would be put in a hat instead. Needless to say I wasn’t picked out.

Not spoken to her since and that was 12 months ago. I felt foolish and used

KERALA1 · 16/03/2018 17:33

My god you're cruel.

PestFromTheWest · 16/03/2018 17:34

Gawd, what unnecessary drama. You should have the following number of bridesmaids. Zero.

People don't actually want to be your bridesmaid. They just don't want to be publicly ranked in your affections.

Enidblyton1 · 16/03/2018 17:37

Oh my goodness, you have massively ballsed this up!!

I think is only recoverable if you reinstate the 2 bridesmaids and apologise profusely. It will mean quite a lot of hard work on your part - but I think you'll lose both friends otherwise.
Good luck!

PestFromTheWest · 16/03/2018 17:39

By the way, I've never been selected to be a bridesmaid either Hmm

School friends either didn't marry, we lost touch, or they chose university friends. I didn't go to university. Mum friends were all already married or have continued to be single.

When a school friend chose a university friend as her 3rd bridesmaid and she knew I was hurt although I said nothing and acted delighted for her she tried to explain it by saying that her university friend was taller, curvier and fairer and looked like her sisters (unlike me, curly red hair and small) I thought wow, what a shallow fucking process, and Hello and RSVP are not exactly bidding for the rights here. But still, it hurt, I admit it.

KERALA1 · 16/03/2018 17:40

I cannot believe you used the words "made the cut". Please don't say you used that phase to your poor friend?