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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents of Ds's friend annoying.

201 replies

BuffyBee · 16/03/2018 00:51

Really don't know what you'll think of this! Could be just me!
But, every time we get Ds9 a Birthday/Christmas present, within a couple of days his friend has been bought the same thing, even though it's not a Special occasion for him.
We have three kids and it's sometimes a struggle to buy a big gift, Ds has to wait for Special occasions for expensive things and somehow, his friend getting the same gift two days later, takes away the shine for me.
So Ds had an expensive electronics gift which he got with his Christmas money and was chuffed to bits, two days later his friend was bought the same.
It hasn't just happened a couple of times, it's been the last five years and it's every single time Ds gets anything, bike, scooter, electronics etc.
What are his parents thinking by doing this?
AIBU for it to get on my nerves?

OP posts:
cafenoirbiscuit · 16/03/2018 00:55

YANBU but your DS has a copy-cat! Get him to talk to his friend about his new Peppa Pig wellies/coat/pencil case, sit back and wait...,,
Your DS is obviously the style guru of the pair. No bad thing

spicerack · 16/03/2018 00:56

maybe the boy just gets what he wants whenever he asks for and his parents have the money to buy him stuff. so if the boy goes home and says your son has this new toy and he wants it then they will just buy it for him

Original poster
BuffyBee · 16/03/2018 01:12

I should say that since the boys met at school, we have become friends with his parents and occasionally socialise and help each other with "pick-ups" if one or the other delayed.
It's just that I don't think that I would do the same, even if we could afford it.
If Ds told us friend had got "whatever" for his Birthday, I wouldn't dream of rushing out and getting mine the same thing.
Might be just me! But it's really annoyed me, this last time, probably because Ds has saved his Christmas money to buy the electronics.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/03/2018 01:17

My DS had a mate like this. Mate got a heap of expensive tech for Christmas. DS (one of four) got a pair of in line skates. By Boxing Day mate had a pair as well. Actually by New Year about four of them did Hmm

PerspicaciaTick · 16/03/2018 01:22

You say it is taking the shine off gift giving for you. Is it also upsetting your DS (in which case it needs dealing with) or is it just you?

Italiangreyhound · 16/03/2018 01:24

It may be that the boy feels he needs the toys so he has something to share, play wise, with your ds.

Anyway, nothing you can do about it. If your son is unhappy explain the family obviously have lots more cash but maybe there boy has fewer siblings, no siblings, a smaller house, no car etc etc. Families choose to spend money on what they want to spend it on. You can't stop it, but you can teach your ds it doesn't matter what others have but it matters that he enjoys and appreciates what he has.

Original poster
BuffyBee · 16/03/2018 01:30

Yes, it does affect Ds, the boy told Ds that his Dad had bought the same electronics for Mothers Day, so that's why he had it.
Very odd.....

OP posts:
headinhands · 16/03/2018 01:31

Oh crikey has your ds not worked out life is not fair! In a class there are the kids who are coming to school with new things all the time such as coats packed lunch box, shoes and so on, and then there's the kids that don't. It's just how life is and to try and pretend otherwise isn't helpful.

Uniglo18 · 16/03/2018 01:45

Time for ds to start developing an interest in girls toys, not that there's anything wrong with that. You can really go to town with this if you wanted to.

Is it possible to slowly step away from the friendship? Create a bit of distance, don't see each other too often, don't share plans & see how that works out.

AjasLipstick · 16/03/2018 01:57

Uni I know you're being lighthearted and mean no harm but please don't hold up that old shite about girls not being as good as boys.

It's very old-fashioned and simply not ok any longer.

Original poster
BuffyBee · 16/03/2018 01:57

headinhands Ds is aware that some have more and this does not bother him. It is the buying of the exact present that he has been given, every single time, that he has really begun to notice.

Uniglo We have started to distance a little as you suggest. You are also correct about not sharing plans etc. Some are unavoidable, such as after school clubs, where I can guarantee that whichever one Ds joins, the friend will join the week after.

OP posts:
lakeshoreliving · 16/03/2018 01:59

Like pp my guess is that friend takes a shine to item and requests one from parents. Are you sure your DS has a problem with this my DS and his mates seem to all love having the same thing and crazes for the oddest things sweep through the group led by one child or another. I think it is quite sweet.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 16/03/2018 02:15

I had a similar situation and it turned out the other parent couldn't bear their child to "miss out" on anything, or to have even a moment's disappointment, or want for anything. Obviously not very healthy for the child who enjoyed all the toys, but has found adulthood challenging!

Do you get the impression that the boy is bugging his parents for the toys? Or that the drive comes from his parents?

Either way I think there is little you can do about it. If it is bothering your ds, I'd encourage him to branch out with new friendships, and have some distance from this boy.

Original poster
BuffyBee · 16/03/2018 02:23

It sounds as though the boy mentions what Ds has been bought and friends Df then buys him the same thing, every time.
Ds's other friends don't do this, just this one.

OP posts:
LolitaLempicka · 16/03/2018 02:43

I honestly don’t get this. Why is this problematic? They are friends, they like the same things. Isn’t it normal that they would have the same toys? So what if one saves and one just gets it as a matter of course. Is it you that is jealous?

mumgointhroughtorture · 16/03/2018 03:33

Could you and DS stop telling this child and their parents what DS has had or is having ? Obviously you're sharing this info . If you pull back the contact , they won't be around to see the new stuff .
Similar with the group's. Don't tell them he's joined them . It sounds like you over sharing is part of the problem .

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/03/2018 03:40

My dd (9) is an only child and consequently we only have one child to find money for and we do spend a lot on her on activities. This is a trade off of being an only child, dd would much prefer a sibling. Your ds is incredibly lucky to have 2 siblings when my dd does not - dd is an ivf child btw so we are very lucky to be parents. The money that your ds gets has to stretch 3 ways because he has siblings and this is the trade off.

I assume your ds’s friend is an only from your op. It sounds as if their ds possibly really wants a sibling and he would love someone like your ds to be his sibling or perhaps he would like to be part of your big family - not necessarily because he wants to change parents but because he would like to be surrounded by other kids. From your ds’s POV, I can see it can be upsetting however, perhaps try reframing this in empathy so that he can enjoy the friendship and not feel bad when his friend once again gets the latest gadget your ds just spent 6 months saving up for.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 16/03/2018 03:48

I don't get why it bothers you...why is it ok for your son to have things and yet you don't want his friend to have them?...

Do you realise how crazy you would sound if you approached his parents about this and said I don't want you to buy your son x toy because it will take the shine off my son having it...they will think you are a snowflake ConfusedHmm

How would you feel if you went and bought your son a gift and the friends parents came to YOU and wanted you to take it back because they wanted their sons gift to feel special...would you really listen?...I doubt it...

You are the parent to YOUR son , meaning you can buy him what you want....THEY are the parents to THEIR son meaning they can buy their son what they want to buy him whenever they want to...they don't need to ask anybody's permission,

You need to get over it...and don't approach the parents about this incase they get offended and break up your son's friendship with their son...

4Funnels · 16/03/2018 04:36

It sounds like you're simply jealous OP.

Dipitydoda · 16/03/2018 04:45

I’m really not seeing the problem. Surely it’s up to the friends parents what and when they get presents for their DS. Have you thought the other little boy might be a bit shy and trying to make himself more popular with your DS by getting the same things so they have a shared interest. My DS has done this sometimes, ooh can I have that bag it’s the same as Joes etc. Basically it sounds like you’re trying to break up a friendship
Over your jealousy that they can afford to give their child more

Dipitydoda · 16/03/2018 04:51

Ooh and I think @mummyoflittledragon has this spot on. Maybe the thing your DSs friend wants most of all his parents can’t get him. Have you thought of the pain the question of “ why can’t I have 2 siblings like x?” Might create everytime it’s asked? So when the child asks for something x has that they can get, little wonder he gets it. Have a bit more empathy (and teach your child this too)

ZoeWashburne · 16/03/2018 04:51

Does your son only want the toy because no one else has it and he wants the attention? Or is it because he wants to play with it?

This is not a zero sum game. This other boy getting the same toy doesn’t take anything away from his toy. And if he just wants the toy because others don’t have it, I would be rethinking my gift giving strategy or you are going to be in a lifelong battle of keeping up with the Joneses.

You and your son have popular taste. End of.

JacksGirl123 · 16/03/2018 05:03

I don't understand why it would bother you either. Your DS gets a nice thing, his friend does too. What's to object to?

CircleofWillis · 16/03/2018 05:08

Yanbu! This would really annoy me too as your DS’s gifts are for special occasions rather than just general toys.

Unfortunately there is not much you can do about it aside from emphasising to your son that what other people have doesn’t change what he has. He also has the option of not discussing his new toys with this particular friend.

It occurred to me that the child’s parents could be lacking in imagination and ideas for activities and toys for their child and are modelling their parenting on you. Which is actually a compliment if you want to look at it that way.

Original poster
BuffyBee · 16/03/2018 09:50

As some have suggested, I am not jealous at all. The friend has much more toys and electronics than my Ds.
The point is that, whatever my Ds gets for a Special event, the friends parents buy him two days later. Which I am now after five years finding irritating.
Some of you "get it", some of you don't.

Ds's other friends now they are all getting older, have noticed what happens and comment on it.
That may be why the friend has told them this time that the gadget was bought for his Dm for Mothers day.

OP posts: