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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents of Ds's friend annoying.

201 replies

BuffyBee · 16/03/2018 00:51

Really don't know what you'll think of this! Could be just me!
But, every time we get Ds9 a Birthday/Christmas present, within a couple of days his friend has been bought the same thing, even though it's not a Special occasion for him.
We have three kids and it's sometimes a struggle to buy a big gift, Ds has to wait for Special occasions for expensive things and somehow, his friend getting the same gift two days later, takes away the shine for me.
So Ds had an expensive electronics gift which he got with his Christmas money and was chuffed to bits, two days later his friend was bought the same.
It hasn't just happened a couple of times, it's been the last five years and it's every single time Ds gets anything, bike, scooter, electronics etc.
What are his parents thinking by doing this?
AIBU for it to get on my nerves?

OP posts:
upsideup · 16/03/2018 11:01

BuffyBee

Are you my Ds's friends parent?

I could easily be, I have an 8 year old ds. If a kid came into school bragging about their knew bike or electronic they got for their birthday and my children asked if they could have one, providing I though it was safe, they had been well behaved and I could afford it I would go and get one for them, I could never imagine my self saying 'yes but we will have to wait a few months because BuffyBee's DS has just got a bike and we dont want to steal his shine, he deserves to be the only kid in the school with a new bike for a few months.

ittakes2 · 16/03/2018 11:05

I would understand if your child wanted something and then didn’t get it...but then the friend ended up getting it. I must admit I don’t get the my child has gotten something and then the other child got it shortly after...I would look at it in two ways - the other child obviously idolises your child and respects their opinion on what toy is the in thing to have...imitation is the best form of flattery. Plus if they are getting the same things they can play them together? Ie both got bikes...great they can go riding together. Both got the same elecontric game...great they play together on line.
Is there a part of you that is annoyed because you feel you have to save for these things and it sounds like they don’t? Realistically - what would make you feel better about things...if the other child only got these presents for special occasions? If the parents made a point of telling you they saved up for something...
Your feelings are valid because you can’t help how you feel - but I hope you can learn to let it go - you can’t control other people’s lives and I can’t see how it disadvantages your child.

diddl · 16/03/2018 11:07

"What are his parents thinking by doing this?"

That they can buy their kid whatever they want when they want?

Lots of kids don't have to wait for it to be a special occasion to be bought stuff.

All your son can do-if it annoys him- is stop telling the other boy what he has.

Trinity66 · 16/03/2018 11:09

Trinity yes, it is annoying! There is nothing I can do about it and I never would but this particular time it just got me really irritated

Just try to take it as a compliment, imitation is the best form of flattery and all that haha

JaneyEJones · 16/03/2018 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocatoo · 16/03/2018 11:16

I always feel sorry for oldest niece because her parents always end up buying her younger sister whatever older sister has had because little sister whinges and begs and they cave in. In my opinion just buying whatever a child desires isn’t really setting them up for life.

gillybeanz · 16/03/2018 11:17

I'd start buying something, then taking it back a few days later and exchanging Grin
Then make sure you tell the parents the thing you bought but took back The kid will end up with lots of things he won't play with as they won't be the thing your ds is into, iyswim.
parents will soon learn. Grin

Mookatron · 16/03/2018 11:20

I don't understand the people who don't see why this is annoying. The parents aren't necessarily doing it on purpose bit it is annoying.

However your son - in the long term - is getting the better deal, because he's being taught the value of things. And getting something you've worked/saved for is always nicer and more satisfying than just getting it.

I reckon your DS is going to thank you for this approach eventually (like, in 25 years eventually).

WaxOnFeckOff · 16/03/2018 11:30

We had friends like this. We got engaged, they got engaged then arranged their wedding for the month before ours. Not really an issue in itself, people get married all the time. Then, we move flat, they do too, we get a new car, witin weeks they have one too, we moved to a house, they do too, we have a baby, then they do as well. Of course a lot of these things are just the natural order of life events and we were all at a similar stage in life, but then there were samller things such as getting new carpets just after us, a trampoline, going on holiday to the same place after we said we booked, not at te same time so as to join us, just afterwards. It really gets wearing. We don't see them anymore.

It does sound like teir cild is a bit spoiled but lacks imagination. owever if it was someting like a scooter and the DC play together I can sort of see the point as it's much more fun when you bot have the same thing and if his birthday is too far to wait. But to copy everything is annoying. I think though that your DS will come across lots of people in life who seem to get things without effort, so might be worth working on that with him and that having things don't make you happy.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/03/2018 11:34

Of course it’s bloody annoying. Your DS gets something as a Special Gift and his mate gets it ‘just because’ a few days later, as if it’s ‘nothing’. Of course it takes some of the shine off if it. Especially when it’s every single time.

I wonder if they’ve actually considered how bad this is for their DS, let alone yours.

Kids like this fall hard when they get older and can’t afford to keep up with all their friends & have the latest everything - so they get it on credit. They have no concept of ‘saving up’ or waiting. It’s why a lot of early 20’s are getting themselves into a truck load of debt.

9 is an ok age to start explaining that kind of thing, if it’s starting to upset DS.

ittakes2 · 16/03/2018 11:34

OP - you asked mumsnet if it’s unreasonable that this gets on your nerves...but whenever anyone (and there has been a few) say they think you are being unreasonable...then you say they don’t get it! We do get it! We just don’t agree with you. You have made comments about how the other child has more electronic things than your child...it has never even crossed my mind to think about what electronic things my children’s friends have or have not. I think about whether their friends are kind to them or not. I think also, you do this whole thing of a toy being ‘special’ for a period of time. I try and do the opposite with my kids. I want them to appreciate and respect their things...but sure as hell do not want them to feel that them receiving an object will make them feel extra special or that this object was extra special for a period of time. To me that’s when they are more likely to become materialistic. We were very very poor growing up - there were five children in my family and my parents struggled. When we all were legally allowed to work part time at the age of 12 - that’s what we all did. We went to school and we worked 3 nights a week in take away places. Money was so tight that I tried my first MacDonalds at 11 and I got my first bike at 18. My parents had to save for a lot of things - but I was not left with a feeling that what I did receive at birthdays and Christmases needed to be special just for me and to even consider what other people received or didn’t receive was just not on my mind. In fact, one of my favourite childhood memories was on my birthday each year my grandmother would drive over to our house and present me with a family bock of chocolate and a small amount of money. The best bit of this was seeing my grandma - but it was also the family block of chocolate as I had never seen anything like that and it was such a treat to get it each year.

Alwayslumpyporridge · 16/03/2018 11:34

this really wouldn't bother me, imitation is flattery

Dancingmonkey87 · 16/03/2018 11:36

In the kindest way get a grip I have a 9year old I’m not remotely bothered what his friends get.

OutyMcOutface · 16/03/2018 11:36

YABU. It their child, let them spoil him if they want. I hope that your DS doesn’t pick up your envious attitude.

Trinity66 · 16/03/2018 11:37

gillybeanz

Evil genius Grin

Whydomypubeslooklikeanest · 16/03/2018 11:40

I think it probably has to happen to you over and over again for five years for you to be able to understand how annoying and weird it is

Nothing has happened to you though.

A kid that your kid knows is getting new toys.

It really, really doesn't matter.

TheBrilloPad · 16/03/2018 11:47

Sorry OP, I'm another one who just doesn't see the problem.

My DD(3) got a dolls house for Xmas, but one of her friends got a scooter and DD loved it when she played with it, so I got DD a scooter. Why wouldn't I? She'd love it, she'd get use out of it, why should I wait another 11 months until her birthday just to buy her something she'd like?

I did the same thing with the same friend when she bought her DD an aqua doodle and my DD loved it. Just said to DD "oh I love this, I hadn't heard of them! I'll have to get one for DD" and did. I don't see how it affects anyone else what I choose to buy for my kids and when.

CrazyCatLady18 · 16/03/2018 11:50

Or maybe the other boy said he was getting it or wanted it,and your son decided he wanted it...

Fruitcorner123 · 16/03/2018 11:55

I wonder of the people calling you jealous are the type who buy their DC things whenever they want them. You don't come across as jealous at all. I would do what others have suggested and tell DS to take it as a complement. If he really doesn't want to be copied he can just keep his gift a secret.

LetsGoBitches · 16/03/2018 12:02

Does your DS mind his pal has the same things?

If he does, make it out to be a joke and say “I bet your friend will get one of these now, we are really setting the trends”.

Or “what do you say, will it be less than a week before your friend’s mum buys him one of these, or over a week?”

Make it out to be a joke and all the sting will dissolve.

Don’t mention that money is tight and the toys are escalating into an arms race, that’s a very very stressful way of thinking about it, and will cause anxiety in your Ds. Be cool.

Some people really have no ideas of their own. Your Ds friends parents sound like real keep up with the Jones’s.
Don't let their stupidity spoil your experience with your Ds.

Calm down about it, you do sound very anxious.
Anxiety is catching, so watch out, and be cool.

User14567891 · 16/03/2018 12:03

So your son doesn’t care about this ridiculous non-problem at all, but it takes the shine off for you??
That’s so petty and weird. It’s non of your business what other people buy their kids. You do sound jealous and a bit over invested in your kids friendships.
And I do “get it” I just don’t agree with you. YAB completely U.

GrannyGrissle · 16/03/2018 12:05

This used to happen to me. I'd get Birthday present (or money and would buy said item. DSIS (5 years my junior) would then be bought the exact same thing by our DP Hmm

Shinycat · 16/03/2018 12:21

You seriously need to start telling them that you are buying something (really expensive) that you're not. So they go spend their money on the same thing, (and then you don't get it.)

If they don't buy it til after you get it, can you not borrow something of someone for a few days and pretend you bought it (like a macbook or something?) Then when they waster their money on the same thing, give it back to the person you lent it off and tell the parents you took it back. (Or don't tell them anything.)

YANBU, this would annoy me too OP.

Shinycat · 16/03/2018 12:22

Sorry when they WASTE their money, not waster!!!

user1490607838 · 16/03/2018 12:22

I can't believe some posters are suggesting the OP is jealous. It's clearly the parents of this lad who are jealous. Jealous and competitive.

Me and DH have experienced people like this in our lives since we have been together (over a quarter century!) People who copy what we do in the garden, copy our decor, copy where we go for a meal, copy our hobbies, and even do stuff like get a new 3 piece suite or a new set of dining table and chairs when we get one (even if theirs is only a year old - yes really this has happened!!!) and I have even known one couple who kept booking a holiday to the same place as us. Confused

This one couple (neighbours) were a fucking nightmare for this a few years back... When DH told them we were going to book a trip to Canada for our 20th anniversary (some 4 or 5 years back,) I could have fucking screamed at him, as I knew they were going to copy us, and book a trip there too.

Sure as eggs is eggs, within DAYS, this couple had booked a trip to Toronto. I refused to go then, and said I want to go to South Africa instead, and go to Canada another time. So we booked a trip to S.A. for our anniversary, and didn't tell them until 3 days before we went. She went flame red and said 'South Africa? I thought you were going to Canada for your 20th anniversary!' with a kind of Hmm look.

'NOPE' I said, 'we changed our minds.' She was fuming and really angry that we switched where we were going God knows why! What the fuck did it have to do with HER? Hmm Stupid cow went and booked a trip to South fucking Africa a few weeks after we came back for the following Spring! Confused

This couple, by the way, legged it last year in the middle of the night, and their house came up for sale as a repossession. Seems their 'trying to keep up with the Joneses' caught up with them!!!

But yeah, the couple the OP is on about sound the same. Jealous and competitive and weird, trying to outshine what the OP is doing.

@BuffyBee I have to agree with the posters however, who are saying there is nothing you can do about it. They are just making themselves look pathetic. The more you tell yourself this, the less it will bother you.

I disagree though with the posters who say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. No it's not; it's fucking weird as hell, and makes you look like a stalker.

If it bothers your son, buffybee he may have to start giving this lad a wide berth.

I also think the people who say you are being unreasonable are the type who do exactly what this lad's parents are doing LOL!