To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

[boboismylove]

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

It depends on individual circumstances. My eldest son moved out when he was 21 and now has a much nicer house and lifestyle than me. My younger son is away at uni and has said he's going to apply for jobs in that area.

Honestly, I don't plan for them living with me until they're 30! I was married with kids at 30.

I don't think it's good for kids not to strike out on their own when they can, either - even if they have to live in somewhere a bit scummy, on a tight budget, we've all done it' it's fun and it's the making of our characters.

Plus, in 23 years if I'm not living somewhere hot and sunny, I'll be thoroughly pissed off.

Who wants to still be living with their parents til 30 and then move immediately move into a mortgaged property, presumably to "settle down" and have their own child who does the same?

Where's the adventure? Where's the life?

I hope my children do more with their lives than that - I'm not talking about salary but about actually living, not plodding along a set path defined solely by some kind of cult of home ownership.

I think it’s great if you can afford the space for them to live with you but not on top of you, a 30 yr old isn’t the same as a 10 yr old who does as they are told and packs their toys away. Be prepared for empty fridges, masses of washing and no privacy for yourself.

We live in London and I am painfully aware that my son will most likely never afford to buy a home here.
We are planning that he may live with us much past 18 if he needs to.

I was gone at 20, my sister at 25. My DS is talking about joining the Navy next year....he will be 16. Gulp. I will sob (in private) if that happens. I think around 20-22 is a good age.

I think your attitude is sensible, we have talked about how we help our hundred afford homes of their own and have said jay if necessary we will sell ours and downsize to give them money towards a deposit. We have two dcs. If we can in the years ahead we will try to buy a property to let as an investment and sell that and split the proceeds between them so they can buy places, or at least have a deposit. I hadn't really considered fees, but will do now.

I agree 100% but I know a lot won't.

I don't believe things have changed that much. It might be more expensive to buy your own properties and more people might need to stay home a bit longer, but I don't think many parents really expected their kids to be fully independent by the time they reach 18.

Traditionally, families were staying together a lot more, grand-parents, parents, kids all in the same house.

My grand-parents and friends has a lot more help than we or my kids will get!

I expect my kids to get jobs, move out and be independent either around Uni graduation or early 20s.

I expect we will help with Uni/training costs and a house deposit in due course, but I expect them to become adults and live independent lives in their own (probably rented) homes long before their 30s.

This may or may not work out but it's the expectation we want to set. If they do stay at home longer then we will expect a contributions to household expenses, for them to pull their weight with household chores and for there to be a plan for moving out eg £x savings per month/completing apprenticeship. I don't want my children to still act like teenagers in their 30s.

We are planning for university fees and needing to support them for much longer than we were supported when younger, probably mid twenties.

My dd has other ideas. She’ll finish uni and never come back according to her. She’d rather live in a tiny hovel and be independent than live with us until well into her twenties or thirties. She’s going to uni in Sept this year.

Evelyn that's exactly it. Where's the youth and fun and duking it out with your pals?

Essentially by the time you live by yourself you'll have middle age in your sights, a pension, etc. Massive snooze!

If they move out at 30, what life experience will they have? How will they know if they are really compatible with their partner if they've never had to sort out day to day routine of running a home together? Even people who move back home have generally had a few years out in-between, or it's a bit stunting.

Make plans as you will, but if you'd like more children, don't put them on hold to pay for one. Much more likely that he'll see all your generous and well intentioned plans, feel smothered, and immediately announce his intention to go to uni on the other side of the country, or head over to try to make it in Hollywood, or any number of other things...

Given that I moved back in with my parents more than once in my 20's and 30's, I fully understand the likelihood that my ds won't be moving out at the age of 18 on the dot. We've started a savings account in anticipation of needing to help him get on his feet, and we're planning financially with the aim of helping him buy his own first home, attend university if he wants to, etc. We're fortunate enough that my dp inherited a family home from his parents, and there is plenty of room for ds to stay here as long as he likes.

As far as I'm concerned it's our job to prepare ds for adulthood, but there isn't an arbitrary cut off at 18 that means he has to fly the nest, if he isn't ready, be that financially or emotionally. I'd rather he leave when he is ready, and be settled and happy. If I do my job right that will be when he is a young adult, and he'll know he'll always have a home here. If I screw it up, he'll be here til he's 45!

I'm not talking about salary but about actually living, not plodding along a set path defined solely by some kind of cult of home ownership.

Home ownership is necessary in a lot of cases if you want a family because rental properties are going up and up in price.

I have completely put my life on hold for years to do it. Yes I'm miserable. Yes I have missed out but I want a family and I don't have anywhere to put them!

I'm lucky to be paying around £700 in rent for my small 2 bed because the landlord was kind enough to put a maximum increase limit in place. For a 2 bed terraced house in my (undesirable) area, I'm seeing listings for £1,500 a month.

My mortgage on the home that I'm buying is around £600 - that's a semi, 3 large bedrooms, garden, utility room & dining room as extras.

Without having to scrimp and save I will probably spend a couple of years going a bit mad and travelling the world. A few years of sacrifice means I won't spend my whole life struggling.

It's OK saying independent living is good for people over 21 but financially it isn't always possible. Government help is being withdrawn for younger adults and not all parents can afford to help with a house deposit.

DD, DSIL and DGS are with us until she graduates. Then they're moving out so she can do her PGCE in his part of the world. We'll follow them up, keeping the minimum safe distance of 5 miles. Close enough for emergencies, far enough to keep out of each others' pockets.

I left home very young, and never went back, but since I'm in London I would not be surprised if my DS lived here for some time - or if he moved away, then I woulnd't be surprised if he came back. He's my only DS, so he will inherit it eventually, too. I'm pretty relaxed about it either way, as in his dual heritage means he has both the cultural expectation of moving out and getting his own place, and the cultural expectation that he will live with his ageing parents (or parent, in this case, as I'm a single parent) forever, gradually taking over the running of the household, and moving in his own spouse to our home when he forms a partnership with someone. It's culturally and socially respectable either way!

"Where's the adventure? Where's the life?"

Exactly! My ten (ish) years of house sharing, renting and flat mates was great fun. For a lot of them we were living in very cheap accommodation, sharing clothes and eating beans. I would hate to have missed that and lived at home then moved straight into a mortgaged house.

It was character forming

I have a lot of friends in their 20s, in London and the South East, and only one of them lives with their parents. Most of them house share or live in extremely tiny flats with a partner. I think most of them, like myself, have accepted that buying is an impossible dream.

I hope my kids are independent enough and have enough of their own life to be living away from home well before 30!
I moved out at 18 and never moved back other than uni holidays and having to rent for a good few years before we bought aged 27 gave me a much better experience of being in my 20s than a lot of my friends who lived at home.
Even now I think it's weird when friends live at home for so long.

As a parent, it's good to make plans, but really you should go with the flow.All the kids I know have a bedroom in their parents house, even after they move out and have a family. When they visit, they stay in their room. It's nothing new, most families have always done that.

Your kids might go abroad and come back, might chose to do long studies, might retrain, who knows. We'll see.

I have heard parents gushing about their "independent" kids when they are the ones paying the rent. It's all relative. As long as you are ready to help them when they need it, without being overwhelming, who cares.

Exactly IamMatty

Of course nobody expects to kick kids out at 18, and there'll always be a roof over our kids heads available wherever we are - parents should be available as a sanctuary when needed. However the idea of living with your parents diligently saving up until you are 30, then marrying and buying a house with your spouse and "settling down" without ever having done anything but live with your parents is so dismal, so uninspiring, so "what's the point?"

Life should be full of different experiences, including living with mates, living utterly on your own with the glorious, glorious freedom that can mean even if it is in a grotty bedsit, living in different cities - basically living not just plodding along from school to the grave dutifully existing motivated only by owning a house and producing an offspring to set onto the same treadmill.

Incredibly depressing idea of life in a first world country in the 21st century.

I also think it's insane to buy a house with someone you haven't rented with before.

So many of my friends have either gone straight from parents house to somewhere they've bought with a boyfriend, or even worse, got engaged while still living at home! Nuts.