To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

[boboismylove]

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

We have 3 daughters aged 26.28 and 30.
The two eldest have their own lives one married and the other living with her partner. They both moved on shortly after finishing uni.
The youngest has been living back at home since she finished uni last year.
She is planning to move out as soon as she can afford to support herself.
We definitely didn't plan to have our children living with us until they are 30.
Its not good for their independence.

When we bought our house, we went to great expense and really stretched ourselves as thinly as possible to be able hold on to our old flat and rent it out to break even. For precisely this reason. When they're older, the DCs will have somewhere to live with minimal rent and it'll hopefully give them a leg up.

We were lucky enough to have help from our baby boomer relatives when we were getting started. It's the least we can do for the DCs. As far as I'm concerned my responsibility for them certainly doesn't end on their 18th birthday.

I'm in my early thirties and have friends ranging from mid twenties to early fifties. By and large, the people in their forties and fifties started their adult lives in much the same way the people who are young now did - they moved out for university and from there into (often grotty) shared houses for several years until they met a partner and moved into somewhere of their own together, either rented or owned. Much the same pattern as young people now can do. House prices may have been lower in decades past but I don't think I know anybody older who stayed at home until they had a deposit saved - they wanted to live their own lives. House shares have been the norm in your youthful years for ages, particularly amongst those who went to university and young professionals living in major cities.

My daughter never wanted to spend birthday money or Christmas money etc, so the uncles and aunts and grand parents and great grandparents gifts over the past 18 years have saved her enough for a small deposit on the north. She's worked every hour she can since she was old enough, so now has enough for a medium deposit in most of the country bar London & South east (might muster a small deposit in some areas).
However she needs enough of a job to actually get a mortgage, so she's studying hard to get a 1st a Uni.(almost never goes out).
I certainly won't be supporting her at 30.

"No point even worrying, who would have predicted 2018 in the 1990s?"

Exactly!

Children like dogs ARE for life! My eldest is 47, and I am the "go to" when there are problems. I have 4 altogether, we get on really well, a couple have returned to the next in an emergency, for a short period, oldest left home at 16, because the job she was doing you had to live on site. They were all taught how to budget make sure you have a contingency fund, in case things go wrong. I am ihoping its their "duty" to look after me when I am old. Dont panic thats a joke!

I do have financial plans in place for DD and impending DC (in utero). I have a spreadsheet showing how much I need to save for
-their driving lessons/cheap car for 17th birthdays (my parents did this for me)
-financial support for living costs at uni should they choose to go
-help with a house deposit age 25
I'm a massive financial geek though! It makes such a difference starting when they're tiny as opposed to trying to pay for these things out of usual monthly income at the time. Also I'll be around retirement age when they're turning 25 as I'm late 30s, so my tax-free lump sum could be used for the house deposit if need be.

paxillin It's not silly to start thinking now. There are incentive schemes to save for fees and to buy a place in a uni town is such a good idea. We plan to do the same. Our plan is holiday place (because we live in a city) until DS is uni age and then sell that to buy flat or whatever if he goes to uni.

nannybeach I would never have automatically went to my parents with any problem I was having at 47. Honestly that is a bit pathetic. I sort out most of my problems by myself, or with my partner. Because we are adults.

I think it depends on circumstances. I am 29. I left home when I was 16 because, it was the safest thing to do. My parents have never worked and have always been in debt.

I feel that its all down to the individuals situation.

Parents should provide a safety net but not a straight jacket.

Life's an adventure, living at home til you're 30 is a stifling idea.

I moved out at 18 and have never claimed a benefit. My parents did support me partially through my undergraduate degree (an amount into my bank account which was roughly equivalent to rent). I could have stayed with them in the holidays but I only ever visited for a week or so, because they lived in the middle of nowhere. I stayed in my university town and worked there. My employer sponsored my masters degree and later I did the Graduate Teacher Programme, so earned an unqualified teacher's salary whilst working for Qualified Teacher Status.

I don't think people often need government help when living alone - I lived with friends, I worked abroad with accommodation provided, I rented a flat abroad, I moved to London and lived in a house share, then rented a cheap bedsit, I bought a flat, I sold it, I rented with a boyfriend who later became DH, we bought a house together, we sold it, we moved abroad... Government help may be needed for people trying to support a child or a bigger family but as a single person you share or rent a bedsit. If your room is bug infested do something about it or move! It shouldn't be!

Living alone, for example, gives you the self confidence to know you can, and that it can be incredibly freeing. Living alone - not with your parents, not with a partner, not even with friends - is something I think everyone should get to do, even in a really crummy rented bedsit. So many people are so cramped and reduced and constrained by believing they have to be with a partner, afraid of being independent.

I really hope all my children get the chance to live with mates because it is great fun but also a lesson in what to do and what not to do, what is normal and what isn't, and where your personal boundaries are, in terms of domestic arrangements and putting up with another unrelated adult in your home when later living with a partner, and to live alone. It is so freeing to have a home entirely of your own no matter how tiny or whether it is rented, and gives you the confidence to know you never need to rely on anyone else. No need to be trapped in an unhappy relationship, because you are a capable, independent adult and living alone is great.

There will always be a bed for DS here, however I will be encouraging him to fly the nest WAY before 30.
I want him to experience things while he’s young, similar to what PPs have said, I don’t want him going straight from living with his parents to a mortgaged house and all the responsibility that comes with it.
I travelled, lived with awful roommates in lots of different cities, did whatever job / study I wanted to do because I wasn’t tied down to living in one place due to a mortgage.
Plus I don’t want to breed a man child.
This morning I was literally just thinking how unsuccessful I was compared to peers who went parents-mortgage with no in between.
This thread has made me realise that was never for me and I would have hated that.
Thanks mumsnet

i don't think its my duty as a parent to house/feed/clothe any adult children. However, if they cant afford to live anywhere else, i would obviously let them continue living with me, but they would have to contribute.

If they were saving for something, travelling, house, whatever, then great.

I will be giving DS and DSS something towards a house, or travelling or car or whatever they want to spend it on, but i would rather it went on a house. Even if they never lived in it, its some kind of financial security for when they're older, but i hope they will both have enough brains to use the money for something useful.

DSS thinks that he will be able to live with us rent free for as long as he wants! (His mother has an older son who cant hold down a job for more than 10 minutes and he has moved out and back in about 3 times so for DSS this is entirely normal!) We have informed him that unfortunately for him this will not be happening! He is only 13 so there is hope he will realise this is actually not the lifestyle he wants anyway!

I hope my two will be out on their own before 30, I really do. They are 4 and 18m atm. Assuming circumstances don't change, they will both always have a big bedroom each here to have or to come back to. DH and I are saving for both of them already and hope to have a decent uni/travel/house deposit/wedding fund for both. We ruled out a third child. As circumstances are now, we can support the two we have into adulthood. A third would be a push. Ultimately we want them to be happy, independent, hard working and adventurous. I had to work 3 jobs at once while at uni just to afford year-round rent and expenses. No chance to travel or just enjoy being young. I don't want that for them.

I agree - your parent is not your "go to" when you are 47 unless something has gone very wrong in your life. I am 43 and my parents certainly haven't been my "go to" for decades - because they brought me up to be an independent person, not a co-dependant adult-child.

When my youngest is 47 I'll be 83 or dead, given that's roughly average life expectancy - so I sincerely hope I'll have brought my kids up well enough to be able to cope without me by middle age!

I would never have automatically went to my parents with any problem I was having at 47. Honestly that is a bit pathetic.

Why do people feel the need to name call simply because they are not the fucking same. This really pisses me off.

I bloody hope my DC never ever feel they can't pick up the phone to me si ply based on their age.

What a god awful attitude to have.

my kids already know that the more they achieve, they more help they get from us, and that will carry on. If one decides to slob on the sofa doing nothing, he gets nothing. If the other successfully compete at sport, or achieve great grades, he gets a lot. I think we'll carry on that way when they are adults. (not talking about inheritance, that will be divided equally, just talking about help)

I wouldn't look to move to a city purely for universities and jobs for your son- you're setting him up to feel horribly guilty if he wants to go elsewhere. Hardly anyone I went to university with went 'back home' after graduation. Went into flat shares or moved in with partners.

It seems incredibly dull to stay at home until you have a mortgage. I had been in a relationship for 11 years by the time I was 30- think of all the sex we'd have missed if living with our parents I know you can shag at your mums house but there's no way you'd do it as much!

We also lived in different cities (apart until we were about 25 and then together) and had lots of fun in those years. We had to scrimp and save but we had a whale of a time.

I do think it is pathetic. I would ask my mum for advice in an area that she knows a lot about. But she is not my go to with any problem I have. That is not being an adult.

Noooooooooooo!

I had my children at 42 and 43 - that means I'll be in my 70's before they leave home!

I left home at 17. I was hoping my children would choose uni or travelling at 18 and then find their own home.

I have 4 children, two of which has special needs. I sort of hope they hang around for a bit. We would try and help them as much as possible with their first place. I think it generally depends on what they are wanting or expecting, as in, I don't mind them staying and saving for a house deposit, but I wouldn't be happy them expecting us to support them completely at 30,I would expect them to have a job of some sorts and I expect them to be sensible with their money.

What's the point of family if you can't go back to them if you need? Not everybody has half a dozen siblings, I would feel like I failed if my kids don't know they can come to us.

hopefully, they won't, and they have been raised right so they know they won't. However, if one finds himself in an abusive relationship, or their partner passed away, I'd rather they pack up and come to us immediately than putting up with awful situation.

What a weird notion of family some posters have. I know I can home home anytime, I still have a bedroom at my parent's house. It hasn't hurt my independence, we haven't even lived in the same country for a good 20 years! It still is home, it's still is a safe place if I need one.

nannybeach my DH is 34 and asks his mum for advice on a lot of things. We can make decisions ourselves like adults but when he really wants to hash something out he'll call his mam. They are peas in a pod. I think being your DCs go to is nice whatever age.

I worry being able to support my babe to be independent outside my own home.

Some posters here are saying they paid for kids rent in uni - over three years that's almost 30,000 in London.

I'd love to have a modest amount to contribute to one year of post-grad study or a housing deposit, but I don't think I'd be able to save that much :s.

But if I can support my babe at home, live in an area where there's a good choice of decent local unis, allow him to save himself for a deposit ect...

Of course if he wants to go out and make it on his own that's great.

I'll be 55 when my babe is 30