To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

[boboismylove]

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

I moved out at 20 my Husband moved out at 16 we’re 27 got on the property ladder at 24 and are living a comfortable life, on low income jobs, what’s most important is teaching your son to save that is the problem with my generation! This whole we can’t afford to buy thing is actually just a deposit that they can’t afford not a we can’t get a mortgage! We pay around 60% for our mortgage compared to our friends who have rent! We looked after our credit ratings from the start and we made sure we would be able to get the mortgage when the time came (6 months after uni) it’s all about being organised and sensible not about being looked after by your parents! Saying that this is our choice at the end of the day let him decide there is no right time to move out I’ve got friends where them and there kids are living at there parents house because it means they can work less and be with the kids every family is different and it’s up to you what works! Maybe don’t tell them you’re doing it but maybe still plan just in case he decides to do it!

boboismylove You are an exceptional mother! I am 68 and am so distressed at what your generation is going through let alone the future for my grandchildren! Your advance planning is something most people probably can't do to the extent you are doing it. I certainly agree that a parent helps their children all their life and not just while they are at school! I wish you, yours DS and DH well.

@wooo69 I was one of the posters encouraging independence and what I said was a generalisation and not about specific difficult circumstances and I am sorry I didn't that clear. The intention was not to make anyone feel bad, I am sorry. I do feel strongly that generally parents who either allow unnecessary financial dependence or encourage implicitly or explicitly financial dependence are not doing their children any favours. I think that there is a difference between a parent being able to help out if their adult child absolutely needs and a parent thinking it is fine to carry on supporting the adult child if they can afford it.

We don't know what the future will hold. And though it is ridiculously expensive to buy in London right now we don't know if that will be the case in the future, and expecting an adult to live in a house share for a few years, which is still affordable, is not exactly confining them to substandard living standards. Whatever happens, preparing children for certain dependence rather than encouraging independence increasingly from a young age is not good parenting in my opinion.

This is just my opinion though, and I think that the opinions of those who say the opposite are just as valid.

I think the hostility and derogatory comments come from people who are insecure, trying to make themselves feel better about their own choices by trying to make others feel bad about theirs

I don't think that there has been much hostility at all, and I think that people saying that independence is best are people who have lived independently and they are happy that what they have is due largely to their own efforts and that they are confident that they will be able to deal with what life throws at them because they have learned to do it!

In relation to the person who mentioned other cultures, there will be dependent and independent adults in those cultures too.

My apology was meant for @fleuve not @wooo69 !

Thanks @justrememberyourestanding it's just everyone's circumstances are different so you can't really generalise.
Another example that may make people think. My friend in her twenties is living at home with her Mum. So I guess on the face of it a lot of you will think oh what a loser living at home with Mum in her late twenties.
Reality is her dad died and her mum is now unable to work with severe depression. My friend works full time to pay the bills and support herself her mum and her little brother.

This is not a moral issue but a matter of choice if you are wealthy enough to support them into their 30s, however not everyone is, and if your adult children want to live with you, not all of them do, as always there will be different solutions. The title makes it sound like letting your adult children make their own way is neglectful, which is not true, and some of the posts make it sound like offering help is somehow crushing their fun, which is also not true. There is a balance to be struck, between the ability of the parents to offer help, and the wishes of the adult children in accepting or refusing that help.

I moved out as a teenager, went to uni and never went back to parents. Got married and had dc as soon as i finished post grad but to this day parents in their new house have bedrooms for dh and I and DC and we have been told that if we ever wanted to all move in with them we could. I live 100 miles away but have a key and come and go as i please. Ie one Christmas they were abroad and thought it was hilarious when i sent them pictures of me and my brood having our Christmas dinner in their house. Same with my siblings and their now adult dcs, everyone treats the family home as the family home forever. Dsis has bought her own home round the corner but still keeps her bedroom and lots of things at our parents and stays there whenever she likes. I have cousins who have got married and had dc and moved back in with parents. Likewise my DC are welcome to stay in my home forever. If i have enough bedrooms or can extend when the time comes they can move spouses and dc in too. I dont care. Alternatively they can travel round the world and only see me when they happen to be in the uk. Either way I'll be here and if they want it to be my home will always be there home. Pils are the same.

It's horrible I know but i would pay my dd (19) to move out bc she's painful to live with but I'm afraid she'll go off the rails if she lives elsewhere. I'ld love her to go and find out how good she has it.

Her brother (21)went to school (dh made him come home as he wasn't studying) he got things together at local school and is on honors list, attending university in the fall to finish degree, works and is a tremendous help to our household with chores, walking dogs, errands, light repairs. We'll miss him when he leaves home. Esp when dh is out of town.

Dd is obnoxious and ungrateful. She has moments of "human" but is immature and it's painful to live with her. As I've said bf, she was hit by distracted drivers and has brain injuries: sometimes I wish I knew why she's so awful? Age? Brain? I don't know what to do?

She's inbetween a person and a brat, but we love her even though I don't like her most of the time.

So. The answer, from my side of the fence, OP, is that it depends on your home and your child. Both of our families had sons who didn't leave; ever. They helped (some more, some less) their parents and it was fine. My uncle married at 40. My greats some never left home.

Bil is lazy, greedy and obnoxious and will inherit "the kingdom" bc he's there.
It's not this decade, we've always had some who didn't leave. But they mostly contribute somehow. Even our dd is going to school full time...
PLEASE DO NOT USE PHONE WHILE DRIVING. Not relative to this post, but i miss my daughter. Pre accidents;( she was crashed into 2xs in 2 weeks While fully stopped at lights). It's been almost 2 years.

Nothing is more important than s person's life. Please pull over if you need to use the phone. The first woman was texting her own dd about dinner when she hit mine; no brakes. The second broke her sternum, moved one of the bones in her skull, injuries too numerous to list. Concussed both times.

So I may be a horrible mother for losing patience with a severely injured child, but its hard. PLEASE think of me and mine the next time your phone alerts you while you're driving. (Sorry OP, for derailing and changing the subject)

@sneeder .

This isn't about being "wealthy" its about letting them stay in their room in your home. Unless you need to rent their room out/ another sibling needs it (which maybe some do) you're not losing/ spending any money. I'd expect him to feed and clothe himself at that age!

This is where DH and I differ... He always says about 'when the kids move out at 18' (and my 11year old has deluded plans to buy her own home at 18). But I have said they can stay until they are ready.
I was lucky to own my home at 20, but only because of inheritance, otherwise I'd never be able to afford my own property!

DS's old room is full of my stuff though now, when he stays for a weekend I clear a bit of space for him to sleep and put his clothes

DD1 met DSIL when she was 18. He moved in here a while later and here they stayed, saving to buy a house, for nine years. Now they are in their early 30s, they have their 4 bed detached, great careers, fab cars, 5 star holidays, DGS in full time nursery... they're immensely proud of what they HAVE, I'm proud of their commitment to reaching this point, but conversely I've always been a bit sad about the experiences they both missed by making settling down and buying a house their sole priority.

DS1 moved out as soon as he could and travelled a lot and worked abroad before settling down. DD2 is still at home and quite possibly still will be here at 30, working but with no dream to follow as yet!

I find it interesting that people take "independent" as meaning independent from their parents home.

You can live outside your family home but still be reliant on a partner, or on the State. Or you can rely on you parents in different ways, eg babysitting.

Re emancipation, you can live outside your family home but be stuck in an unhappy relationship because you are reliant on their half of the rent, or stuck in a really unhappy job, or going through humiliating processes to get welfare. I think in these cases, it would be more emancipating to live at home, doing something you love, saving for the future - better to rely on loving family.

Thanks for the replies

Everybody nearly still relies on someone for support.
But it is important to know that you can do it on your own. I have and know I could again. That stops me staying in shit relationships.

My Sis-in-law is living in her own house but isn't what I would call independent. She is completely dependent on her parents emotionally and financially. She visits her parents most days, sleeps there 2-3 nights a week and they pay for loads of things for her. She can't cope on her own, homesick all the time and should have just stayed living at her parent's house as it's draining on everyone.