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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

390 replies

boboismylove · 15/03/2018 11:20

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 15/03/2018 12:45

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to let grown up children go home if they’re in difficulty (if possible). I think planning where you live so your child doesn’t have to leave home until 30is odd. Especially with no idea what they want to be. They might want to work on submarines!!

Aria2015 · 15/03/2018 12:45

I wouldn't see my child homeless but I'd strongly encourage him to live independently from me when he had either finished uni (if he goes) or a year or so after finding employment. I haven't lived at home since going to uni, I lived in a bedsit for many years because it was cheap. It wasn't because I didn't have a great relationship with my parents, I just wanted independence. I think that it's important. I wouldn't make any of my future plans, where to buy a house etc... with my adult child in mind, I'd assume he was off doing his own thing and just plan for me and dh. There would always be a bed for my ds but hopefully he won't need it!

cucaracha · 15/03/2018 12:47

i think going too far the other way is not a good thing. Staying home living off the bank of mum and dad is wrong. Moving out as soon as possible for the sake of moving out is wrong too. Ideally, kids decide what they want to do with their life, and work around that. If it means putting up with staying with your parents for a couple more years, so be it.

That said, as soon as they start a family, they have to have their own place.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 12:48

cucaracha being able to go to your parents if you need to in an extreme situation - abusive relationship, terminal or life changing illness without a supportive partner, death of a spouse - those are the "safety net" situations.

Parents should be a safety net - but safety nets are things we hope not to have to fall into...

Totally different to planning for your poor kid to stay with you til they are 30 and marry from your door, to move into a mortgaged property at 30 with no freedom and adventure in sight, and to remain their "go to" (queue MIL threads galore from their future husband or wife).

Utterly stifling.

Roots and Wings are what children need. Not just roots.

NerrSnerr · 15/03/2018 12:50

I worry being able to support my babe to be independent outside my own home.

You just have to do what you can. There are some very wealthy mumsnetters who can afford to give their children £££. In reality many young adults are not getting support from their parents as their parents cannot afford it and they fund their university and subsequent years themselves.

It’s fine to have an open door but move where you want to, not where YOU think your son wants to study and work because he’ll feel guilty if he chooses to go elsewhere.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 12:50

bobo is the child whose life you are planning under 10 at the moment? Under 5? Under 3?

WopYa · 15/03/2018 12:51

you might not need to support him? He might do fine on his own.

My parents have never financially supported me. I moved out and bought a house when i was 19 - and i never saw a penny from them from the moment i got a job which was at 14. I'm glad because I'm fiercely independent because of it, I do have a DP, but i know if anything happened i'd be just fine on my own.

I saved a deposit for a house whilst living at home, but i did pay significant board, and paid for own food, toiletries etc,

You're better off financially educating him, than bank rolling him and letting him live with you rent free until hes 30!

whiskyowl · 15/03/2018 12:52

If everybody who was concerned about intergenerational equity when it comes to their own kids actually created a campaign to ensure that something was done about student debt/the housing crisis/job opportunities, then we might actually get somewhere. The answer is not cocooning your children at home for ever longer, it's social change.

mydogisthebest · 15/03/2018 12:53

I left home at 22 and both my siblings were a similar age. I think living at home past about 26 is odd. Most youngsters just would not want to.

I feel sorry for couples whose children live at home till they are 30 or older. I know an awful lot of marriages struggle when children are young but I would hope they can get back on track and the couple can be happy, particularly once all the children have left home.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 12:54

@Evelyn

I'm planning for the possibility, in order to give him security in what's looking like a very insecure world - I wouldn't dictate this route to him! Also because I expect I will have limited means to support him to "be independent" outside my own home.

Absolutely, I'd expect him to have a job and be saving, and I wouldn't want to still be cooking for him. I don't think living at home and saving 1000 a month in rent is necc the same as "living off the bank of mum and dad".

And like I said, of course I'd want him to live with a partner before marrying, I was just saying that's where his dad is coming from.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 15/03/2018 12:56

Also because I expect I will have limited means to support him to "be independent" outside my own home.
It’s entirely possible for him to be independent outside your home without your money. Why on earth couldn’t he just get a job in his 20s and pay his rent like the majority of people?

paxillin · 15/03/2018 12:57

A baby at the moment, @Evelynismycatsformerspyname.

WopYa · 15/03/2018 12:57

of course it's the same bobo

you're letting someone live with you rent free, you're essentially giving them accommodation for free. Think what that accommodation would cost per month for them - you're essentially giving them that figure.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 12:58

I don't want my babe to ever struggle, he's so cute and lovely :'(

OP posts:
cucaracha · 15/03/2018 12:58

Evelynismycatsformerspyname
true to a point, but thinking about the most likely help doesn't hurt. For example, I wouldn't plan on relocating to the middle of nowhere until my kids are settled. It is better for them if we stay where we are, because there are more opportunities around here. They might not take them, but I'd still stay.

Once they have a family, I would probably look at staying at commutable distance too, if at all possible. If one moves to Inverness, the other to Plymouth and the third to New Zealand, then I am off to my favourite beach! If they are all around London, I'd stay put and hopefully will be able to help with childcare if they want me to.

I wouldn't design their life for them, but I am staying flexible on all our plans. It doesn't mean I would reject a dream opportunity in Bengalore if I am offered one.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 12:59

@NerrSnerr

Rent for uni for three years in london would be close to 30,000. He could earn that be working full time alongside his degree, but I wouldn't want that for my child!

OP posts:
frasier · 15/03/2018 13:01

whiskyowl but social change is not going to happen because there will always be the free loaders who expect everyone else to look after them or their children, who, like my ILs think that if you get a good degree and job you are “lucky” and you should give them your money... so people will be insular and just look after their own.

phoenix1973 · 15/03/2018 13:01

Im expecting my daughter to be away by 25 at the latest.
Too many adults in the house all beating their chests (we're all truly stubborn and wilful) will cause conflict i wont want in my 50S alongside menopausal me.

NerrSnerr · 15/03/2018 13:02

We didn’t have much money in our 20s. It wasn’t a struggle though. We basically worked, slept, drank beer, went on cheap holidays and saw friends. They were brilliant years. We lived in some shitholes but it didn’t matter. It’s all part of growing up.

If I lived at home until I was ready for marriage, mortgage and children I would have missed out on so much. We may have had a bigger deposit but that really isn’t everything.

WopYa · 15/03/2018 13:03

nobody wants their children to struggle.

your reason being because he is so cute and lovely makes me think you are not really thinking 100% straight about this if I'm being honest.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 15/03/2018 13:03

I've got three and they are all of 'leaving home' age. But they are all at home for different reasons. I'm extremely fortunate that I've got room for them. I have encouraged them to go to uni in different towns - I don't want them living with me during their student years as it would be limiting for them.

You can't predict what will happen in 15/20 years time - maybe the housing market will be completely different, maybe you will have had life-changing events in the interim.

whampiece · 15/03/2018 13:04

know an awful lot of marriages struggle when children are young but I would hope they can get back on track and the couple can be happy

The suggestion that couples can only be happy once the children leave home is shocking. My DC's are not an inconvenience. DH and I are not waiting for them to leave home before we can be happy. We have been married for near 20 years, we decided to do the happy bit throughout, rather than just when the DC's leave.

NerrSnerr · 15/03/2018 13:04

@boboismylove most of us can’t afford to go to university in London. That’s just life- unless you’re wealthy.

You just cannot predict where he would want to go to university. What will happen if the course he has his heart set on is in Aberdeen or Aberystwyth? How can you move somewhere when you have no idea what he wants to do?

FakeMews · 15/03/2018 13:09

I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support
So sad to deprive yourself of another child and your son of a sibling for something that may or may not happen 20 years from now.
The world is not confined to London. Some of us live and work quite happily in parts of the country where it's cheap to rent or buy.

I expect my DC might return home temporarily after graduating and they have learned to live independently at uni, but work whatever it is will almost certainly mean they move away in their early 20s.

whampiece · 15/03/2018 13:09

have encouraged them to go to uni in different towns - I don't want them living with me during their student years as it would be limiting for them.

How would it be limiting? I don't understand that?

I have encouraged mine to stay at home for uni. We live half an hour away from a fab uni. It's going to be more cost effective for them to stay at home, we all see this as a massive positive