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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

390 replies

boboismylove · 15/03/2018 11:20

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:
cucaracha · 15/03/2018 13:11

and they can use the savings they made by living at home to go travelling round the world for a year or so ( should they wish ) What's wrong with that!

PNGirl · 15/03/2018 13:13

I'm always amused by those who say they would be happy for a current toddler to live with them for 25 more years. You may feel differently when an adult emerges from the other side of puberty that is so similar to you that you drive each other mad, or so different you can't understand their POV. My mum and I would both admit me moving out revolutionised our relationship. We're great friends now she isn't "in charge" of me.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 13:13

@NerrSnerr - I was using as an example which I'm familiar with. I'm sure still a lot at other unis - like 20,000 say.

Of course, if he wants to move away and support himself that's fine. I just would also want him to have the viable, welcoming option of staying home :s

OP posts:
Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 13:15

@PNGirl

Of course anything could change, but like most people/ people on this thread, I'm planning for the future

OP posts:
IAmMatty · 15/03/2018 13:18

Honestly this thread is making me feel claustrophobic. My kids are 9 and 7 and I have never considered any of this. I was hoping it would all unfold at the time, not now, when I'm up to my eyeballs in clubs and homework and career and housework and fucking keeping fit and everything else.

gillybeanz · 15/03/2018 13:19

I draw the line at 25 if they haven't got it together by then I'd feel like I hadn't done my job properly.
I don't buy that it's much harder these days, it's just a different set of circumstances.
i raised mine to be independant at the earliest opportunity and taught them that it was more important than anything else in their lives.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/03/2018 13:20

They can move out and rent. I've got five of the buggers and they are all in their twenties. I simply could not stand to have them all living at home (with their partners or alone) to 'save up for a deposit'. Tough. Rent, like I have to. It's nobody's right to own a home, but it is my right to have some peace and quiet as I get older, not have to, in essence, flatshare with my own kids.

I love them all dearly, but, my god, the day the last one moved out I damn near threw a party.

gillybeanz · 15/03/2018 13:21

One of mine may be at home for the first couple of years of higher education as the best for what she wants to do is on our doorstep.
If she chooses somewhere else she'll be off, and come back to visit, not to live.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 13:22

Nobody wants their children to struggle, but to be honest an adult who has never struggled can't really appreciate what they have.

Variety is the spice of life - we all need to struggle a bit sometimes, ideally knowing that in the end our parents would be there if it all got too impossible, but being independent and determined and confident enough to try to struggle successfully and come out the other side.

The op sounds a bit as though she's hoping to raise a child into mature adulthood in a luke warm, soft, muted cocoon. Hopefully, for the child's sake, that will wear off as he becomes a toddler and beyond!

frasier · 15/03/2018 13:22

Planning for the future by saving or investing is a sensible approach regardless of what the future holds. money is always useful lol!

Dangerousmonkey · 15/03/2018 13:22

I don't really understand the western notion that parenting stops when they are an adult.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 15/03/2018 13:23

wham I know my kids. The eldest in particular would have got very frustrated living at home during those years.

I'm sure some do well staying at home.

crazycatgal · 15/03/2018 13:23

What do some of you expect your children to do if they go on to postgrad study? Luckily my dad is letting me live with him whilst I do a Masters and then a PGCE come September, I would not be able to afford to live anywhere else.

ReggaetonLente · 15/03/2018 13:24

*Who wants to still be living with their parents til 30 and then move immediately move into a mortgaged property, presumably to "settle down" and have their own child who does the same?

Where's the adventure? Where's the life?

I hope my children do more with their lives than that - I'm not talking about salary but about actually living, not plodding along a set path defined solely by some kind of cult of home ownership.*

This, 100%. I wouldn’t trade the years in scummy bedsits and flatshares, living off Diet Coke and toast, travelling on a whim, for anything. They made me who I am and taught me about life and other people.

I’m mid twenties and have friends the same age, still in their childhood bedrooms, who have missed out on so much. And do you know what, they probably still be there at 30, as you say. I want more for my children.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 13:25

Dangerous not one single person has suggested that parenting stops when you become an adult, just that being treated like minor does.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 15/03/2018 13:25

Crazy have you always lived at home or are you 'returning'?

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 13:26

@Evelyn The op sounds a bit as though she's hoping to raise a child into mature adulthood in a luke warm, soft, muted cocoon.

That sounds kind of nice!

OP posts:
Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 13:26

@crazy

And postgrad is becoming more and more than norm now!

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 15/03/2018 13:27

crazy

Mine intends to work during PG study, even at 14 she has the job and free accomodation earmarked to fit in with study. I know for certain she won't be living at home much after 18/ 20.

crazycatgal · 15/03/2018 13:27

@ADarkandStormyKnight I lived away from home for my undergraduate degree, I moved home last year because postgraduate funding is nowhere near enough to live off even with a part time job.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 13:28

crazy I lived on my own and worked full time while doing postgraduate study. Lots of people do. Most people don't grow up in a university town, let alone the university town they want to do their postgraduate study in.

frasier · 15/03/2018 13:28

*gillybeanz

  • My older sister in law is now in her late 40s. She had lived back with her parents at least five times due to bad money choices, losing her home, an unplanned pregnancy, a couple of divorces... she is back there now with MILs blessing. MIL wanted DH to go back after uni! They will in a place with v high unemployment, it’s a silly selfish attitude.
Zaphodsotherhead · 15/03/2018 13:29

bobo one of my kids IS doing a postgrad. Whilst working and supporting herself in a shared house. I'm sure they would all jump at the chance to come and live at home and let me shoulder the stresses and strains of day to day life whilst they 'saved up' for whatever they wanted, but that's not REAL life, is it? What about when I'm gone, and they have to face life without the snuggliness of mummy to run to when life gets tough?
Better they learn to face it now, while I'm still around to listen and advise, than when I'm not.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 13:30

bobo I really hope that's the early baby haze talking, or a joke - otherwise your poor kid!

crazycatgal · 15/03/2018 13:30

@Evelynismycatsformerspyname I don't live in a university town, I moved to a university town for my undergrad and now I'm at home commute 15 miles each way to the university I'm now at, this is the only way that I could afford my postgrad.