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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

390 replies

boboismylove · 15/03/2018 11:20

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:
cucaracha · 15/03/2018 13:31

but to be honest an adult who has never struggled can't really appreciate what they have

true, but I'd rather mine experiencing "struggle" at uni and when camping in grotty backpacker hostels around the world, than stuck in a dead end job they hate to pay the overpriced rent of a place they hate.

lets be honest, by giving them a chance to have free room and board at my house, I will give them the freedom to get an unpaid internship which will then give them a massive boost to get their dream job. Another parent might have no space or money to give their kids, but unlimited good will and unlimited free babysitting, which will save a young couple a fortune allowing them to have a better life.

there are many ways to help out your children, I wouldn't reject any on principle, we'll see how it goes. I strongly disagree with the idea of not being responsible for them the minute they turn 18.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 13:32

Or perhaps you're trying to raise the next Buddah? Isn't that fairly much the story of his early life?

Girlsworld92 · 15/03/2018 13:32

My daughter has said she wants to stay at home with us. She's only small though. Tbh I'm happy for her to stay as long as she wants if it puts her in a stronger position for when she's ready to move out. I will expect her to pay her way, help out at home and be respectful of our space though.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 15/03/2018 13:35

Crazy most people's parents don't happen to live15 miles from the uni they want to go to either. 15 miles is very close as long as there is transport/ you have a driving license. My eldest "commutes" that far to secondary school by school bus, and she's 12.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 13:36

@ Evelyn I meant your description of a cocoon sounded quite nice

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 15/03/2018 13:37

House shares and renting will become more normal

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 13:38

@cucaracha

Exactly.

OP posts:
WopYa · 15/03/2018 13:39

unlimited free babysitting? are we all retiring at 50 now?

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 13:40

@dangerousmonkey

same

OP posts:
WontLetThoseRobotsDefeatMe · 15/03/2018 13:41

I find it somewhat ironic that there are posters here bemoaning the future cost of a first home for their children....while planning to provide their offspring with a nice deposit by buying an "investment property" (good uni town, or holiday home) and selling it for a profit.

cucaracha · 15/03/2018 13:42

unlimited free babysitting? are we all retiring at 50 now?
we are all on MN at 1:30 in the afternoon, so I am sure we'll be able to move things around a bit if we have to - even if it's only 1 day or half a day a week.

Babysitting was just another example on helping your kids btw.

crazycatgal · 15/03/2018 13:43

@Evelynismycatsformerspyname Do you want me to apologise because my dad allows me to live with him whilst I complete my postgraduate study? Some parents give money to their children whilst studying, my family can't do that so my dad lets me live at home with low rent and I cook and do everything around the house to help out.

whampiece · 15/03/2018 13:44

I know my kids. The eldest in particular would have got very frustrated living at home during those years.

dark I'm not suggesting you dont know your kids. I asked why you feel it would be limiting for them to live at home while at uni? You say your eldest would have got frustrated, I'm asking why?

User14567891 · 15/03/2018 13:45

I’d love it if my son still wants to live with me when he’s 30. I hope he goes to uni and if he does I hope he’ll stay local and live at home, but that’s up to him. He is 5 at the moment tho, I might feel different in 10-20 years 😂
It’s never too early to plan for your kids future. I doubt uni is going to get any cheaper and I want to be able to buy him a flat so he has a decent place to live. I had my fair share of scummy houseshares and unhinged housemates and want better things for my kid. And not paying rent will mean he’s got more opportunities to go out in the world to see and do things.
I wouldn’t trade the years in scummy bedsits and flatshares, living off Diet Coke and toast
These kinds of comments remind me of that Pulp song about the girl who “thinks that poor is cool”

DinaCaliente · 15/03/2018 13:48

Neither of mine wanted to stay in their home city to go to uni.
One is 90 miles away, the other in another country (on a uni placement).

I don't see them coming back home once they graduate, they have the taste for independence now.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/03/2018 13:48

I've found with mine that going to university, living off beans for whole terms and having a pt job whilst studying has given them a healthy appreciation of the finer things in life and a drive and ambition to work towards getting them.

I'm really really poor. I couldn't afford to have any living with me (very rural, not within traveling distance of many jobs), so they had to move out and rent to get work. Living at home wouldn't work, we'd all hate it and I can't afford to support working adults just so that they can have a fabulous time 'experiencing things'. Does that make me any less of a caring mother? No.

WopYa · 15/03/2018 13:49

cucaracha yeah and i'll bet half of us are at our various jobs. Blush

There's no way i would be able to do full time childcare for any grandkids i may or may not get! but yes, half a day or a day is probably do able.

I'm not saying we shouldn't help our kids at all, but we shouldn't sacrifice our lives completely to fund theirs, or spend all our free time looking after their children etc.

if we are sacrificing a lot for our adult children like OP thinks we should, are we really living our own life?

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 13:49

@User Exactly. I got into some serious problems due to not being able to afford proper accommodation in London.

OP posts:
ReggaetonLente · 15/03/2018 13:51

User well it’s not cool, but it’s given me a lot of empathy and makes me appreciate everything I have now.

Yeah it’s shit having to scrape together every penny so we could buy electric but that’s adulthood and it taught me a lot. Hard work and and element of luck means I can now treat myself to more than a Diet Coke but I still remember those days quite fondly in some respects.

It’s a moot point anyway, I didn’t have a rich mum and dad who could let me live at home rent free - once I was 18 my bedroom went to my disabled younger brother and I slept in the living room. Wouldn’t have wanted to do that til I was 30. And we’d still have been looking for coins to put on the electric, except it would have been my mum crying about it rather than me.

SpringEquinox · 15/03/2018 13:53

We live in London, and both DDs went away to uni, so we assumed they would come back for at least a transition period. The elder one came back them quite quickly moved out to a flatshare - I redecorated and turned her room into a nice spare room ( though obviously hers for occasional weekend visits.) She then had two bounce backs i.e. moving back, moving out, moving back, moving out - all for very rational reasons and we were happy to have her. She is now at 26 very settled in a nice flat with her partner and her belongings here are reduced to a large box.

The younger one moved back after uni and seems to like being home whilst she is in the early stages of her career. She is lovely company, doesn't yearn for a more independent life ATM,( shared houses at uni and doesn't have rose coloured specs about that ) we travel quite a bit and it is reassuring to have the house occupied and looked after.

My parents lived in the deep countryside so left home at 18 for uni in London.and never lived at home again. I lived in some awful places that make great anecdotes but don't look back on that fondly. I later lived in nicer rental places and then my own mortgaged flat but I think I might have made different choices about my career if I hadn't been so focussed on paying the rent .

We supported them through university but there won't be any deposits coming their way - in London that would be a very large amount to be worthwhile. We will probably need the capital to pay for care for ourselves in later life.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 15/03/2018 13:55

I suspect this is going to change a little as boomers parents continue dying and boomers start to die.

I think there will start to be a generational shift of wealth towards younger generations through inherited wealth from property.

The only problem with that though is people whose parents rented privately or via council houses. They’re unlikely to get council tenancies themselves, so will be private renting contributing to other people’s wealth their whole working lives without ever having a secure home.

I really can see this leading to a situation of the haves and have nots depending on whether or not your family bought a home pre-2005 except for very high earners. I think it will lead to big social problems eventually. And I say that as someone who expects to be in the ‘haves’. But fuck me I feel sorry for the have nots, must feel like a bleak future.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 13:56

I could only afford few hundred quid rent because i was interning to get a job in my field. I had abusive flat mates, a kitchen that wasn't safe to use, and a mouldy shower. Thankfully after around 8 months I found a proper job.

I don't think this stuff was character building, it just made me depressed. I dont want my babe to go through it.

OP posts:
rocketgirl22 · 15/03/2018 13:57

I will encourage my dc to learn to drive as soon as possible and to travel the world.

I am not sure when they will afford a house but we are preparing to support them indefinitely. We will give them as much support as we can.

My parents believed their job was done when I was sixteen. I do not hold this view. It is a tough market, tough housing situation but they can do it!

In some ways things have greatly improved, living standards, choices, global options.

I am here for them for as long as it takes, as I have always been up to now.

User14567891 · 15/03/2018 13:59

Reggae I didn’t have the choice either, so you make do with what you can but if I could have traded that experience I definitely would have. That’s the point really. I want better than that for my own kid. I would expect him to work and pull his weight around the house, I expect him to do that now. But if I can help him to have a safe, comfortable place to live I will always give him that.

Missingstreetlife · 15/03/2018 13:59

Can't imagine living with my parents after I left education.
Dcs can't imagine it either. Helped them pay for accommodation at uni, but they shared cheap houses. Yes they struggled a bit, but learned to budget, now saving.
They got grotty flats with friends and worked in bars and shops until they could get proper jobs and better flat. Housing benefit and jobseekers for a few weeks only, that's what it's there for.
Welcome to come back for a weekend or holiday anytime, or if emergency, illness etc. Would help them with a few quid here and there, but now they are successful and independent.
People seem not to want young people to make their own way, it doesn't do them any favours.