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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that these days a baby is for life, not just for school years!

390 replies

boboismylove · 15/03/2018 11:20

I'm just wondering about the general attitude towards your children potentially living with you until circa 30/ have a housing deposit saved?

For me, looking at the current state of things in the country, I fully expect my DS to be living with me for a long time after graduation, and am planning accordingly. Ie, I hope to buy within a couple of years, and will aim to buy in a city with decent unis and jobs in case my DS can't afford to move out, and if I ever come across extra money I will put it towards potential post-grad fees. I wouldn't have any more kids unless situation drastically changes because I won't be able to give the same support to all, ect...

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant. Although of course I would be so happy if he was independent and successful younger!

Also in my DS's dad's culture its the norm for kids to live with their parents until they (save enough) to get a place and then get married.

I know many people don't see things this way for example, for example my parents were fully expecting us to be independent at 18.

Just wondering people's thoughts on this?

OP posts:
crunchymint · 15/03/2018 11:52

I was fully independent by 18.
I think moving out at an older age, straight into a property, is a bit soulless actually. Seems a middle aged way to live when you are still young. Maybe sensible financially, but I do think life is for living and having fun, and this is not the way to do that.

justanotheruser18 · 15/03/2018 11:54

Do you have more than one child Op? I'm just planning on the one and want to do my best to get DS in position where he can be out on his own before he's 30.

RideOn · 15/03/2018 11:54

No I think at the age of 18, the reins of their life will be handed over to them, by the time they are in their 20s I really hope I am not directing their lives at all, I'm not going to plan where they live, or put money aside for postgraduate studies.
I have Junior ISAs which we contribute to regularly, which they will have access to aged 18yrs. We obviously hope and will encourage them to keep this as savings, or use it for education or buy a car etc for work.
We will be in a position where they can live at home with us, but I won't know until they get to that age, and I am not moving house in anticipation (we live in the countryside) and I expect they will move out, like we did and our friends did. Some of our siblings moved back to our parents houses, some temporarily and some permanently, and so might our children. This was not primarily due to house prices. Here they are quite affordable.

crunchymint · 15/03/2018 11:54

Also agree that buying with someone before renting is risky. Easy to get out of a rented place, not so easy when you have bought.
I do think young adults these days are often fairly immature and childish, and this is because they are still treated as kids.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 15/03/2018 11:55

Your duty as a parent is to bring up your kids to be fully fledged functioning adults and to be their own person living their own lives. No way would I have wanted to still live at home at the age of 30.

Ragwort · 15/03/2018 11:55

I would be disappointed if my DS just lived at home, saved up, got married and moved into his own home.

As others have said, life is for living, get out, share some grotty bedsit, travel etc etc.

We made a deliberate choice to only have one child and are fortunate enough to be able to help to get his own home in the future, but I hope that it is a long way off ............. and no, whilst I wouldn't kick him out of the family home, I certainly wouldn't encourage living at home once his education is over, and I won't be making it too comfortable for him either Grin. I hope that we will be in a position ourselves to move and/or downsize/travel by the time he is old enough to leave home.

Lentilbaby · 15/03/2018 11:57

I see this as part of a duty as a mum, rather than doing him any "favours", and was something I took into consideration when I was pregnant.

I totally agree with you OP. This is how my parents have always treated me and I will be treating my DC.

crunchymint · 15/03/2018 11:57

Also for those who had kids older, which is more common these days, you could easily be in your 70s when your kids are 30. The chances are that you will have some health problems, and would struggle to work more than part time.
And many of us as we get older spend time looking after older parents. I work and spend one day every weekend driving to and visiting a dying parent who lives far away. By the time I am in my 60s/70s, I fully expect to be spending more time doing this with other relatives.

TheJoyOfSox · 15/03/2018 11:58

All of my children had left home before they were mid 20s.
My daughters are all mothers themselves now and live in rented properties.
They all have good jobs, but they have gone down the rental route.

My stepson, left university, rented until his house was built, so he had left home from the time he went to university in his teens.

I would never have wanted to live with my parents until my 30s.
I wouldn’t have wanted my dds with me until they hit their 30s either.

You seem to have your sons life planned out, uni, mortgage, bored to death before he hits middle age. Have you ever heard the expression “if you want to make god laugh, tell him your five year plan” ?
Maybe he will do an apprenticeship or join the army or be inside serving life for running the mafia from his mums basement, or maybe he will have some fun then move into a rental property with his gf and experience some real living instead of your dream version of what his life should be.

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 11:58

@ArcheryAnnie - yes culturally thats similar to DS other half of the family.

I really struggled renting one room on slightly less than average salary in London. Before, while I was interning and working part time I shared a single bed-bug infested room on the outskirts, and I never had the chance to do a masters. And no housing benefit now for under 25s. My friends who were living with family in london, often from backgrounds where this is the norm, had quite a big advantage after graduating with the choices they had I think, and now those in late twenties are able to start buying their own places.

I'm not actually planning on staying in London long term, so maybe I'm being pessimistic though! Of course, I want him to have his own life, but I just always want him to feel home is a viable option, and one that i'd be happy to provide. The country is feeling like a very insecure place and i'd want to give him some security.

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 15/03/2018 11:59

I’m saving for DS each month in the hope that he’ll have a deposit ready when he needs it - I don’t want him living with me at 30, much as I love and adore him!

Pluckedpencil · 15/03/2018 12:01

The trouble with ear marking the cash in this way is you're kind of dictating their life path to them. By all means offer money, but with so many strings attached, "this is house deposit, this is graduation fund" just seems a bit uptight to me...

StickStickStickStick · 15/03/2018 12:01

Round here it's completely normal to expect kids to leave home by 18 - to work or to uni.

My dad pretty much stopped any form of support at 18 but that was before uni fees came in.

There's no way we can save for housing deposit or uni and my kids will have to support themselves. Our house is tiny!

frasier · 15/03/2018 12:01

We saved school and uni fees before even having DS (It did take us years to get pregnant so we had plenty of time to save) but haven't thought longer than that.

My sister, older child, is supporting her son through uni, plans to do so through his Masters and then a couple of years afterwards while he gets on his feet.

Interestingy (and selfishly of them IMO) the PILs think that DH should now look after them because he is a higher wage earner.

paxillin · 15/03/2018 12:02

How old is your son, teenage? What are his plans so far?

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 12:04

Oh yes, of course I would want him to live with someone before marrying them, I was just giving an idea of DS's dad's ideas. I don't agree with that, but I'm attracted to the idea that its normal for your kids to stay with you until they are ready to head out with some kind of security.

Of course, if he doesn't want to stay at home I wouldn't try and persuade him, is more about giving him the option in a welcoming way if that makes sense!

OP posts:
Daisymalone · 15/03/2018 12:04

I think it depends on what you count as independent. I can understand financial pressures these days meaning that people are still living at home in their early 20s and this is acceptable as long as the 'child' is contributing in every way an adult should, for example earning their own money, washing their own clothes, cooking meals etc. It's when they are still treated as a child and therefore have no incentive to stand on their own two feet that I have no sympathy for. I have a friend who's wife expected him to come home from work early to drive his 21 year old daughter (who drives) to a routine Dr's appointment! She's an adult!

cucaracha · 15/03/2018 12:04

I agree with kids being independent, and uni then traveling is a great starting point, but I don't see the point of spending more than a few month wasting more than £1000 on rent if you are planning on buying your own place. Not many people can afford to pay rent and save for a deposit.

Inseoir · 15/03/2018 12:05

You're way overthinking this. Life could have changed beyond all measure by the time this happens - perhaps we'll all have a basic universal income? It's lovely that you are so keen to support your DS but don't be too hard on yourself if through illness or other means you become less able to provide that support - you are doing your very best and have the absolute best intentions. Your DS will be fine, because above all else he has someone who loves him unconditionally.

Inseoir · 15/03/2018 12:07

I would also say that if you ever do want another child you should go ahead and have one, if you're able, rather than worrying too much about the money/support side of things. A sibling is so much more valuable than a pot of money for postgrad training - your DS will need someone to be his close family member when you're older/no longer here.

NapQueen · 15/03/2018 12:08

Unless my situation drastically changes I wont be able to provide my kids with house deposits. They are welcome to live at home as long as they need however this will be conditional (small portion of their wages given as board and at least the same again into an ISA or savings acount to prepare to move out).

Original poster
boboismylove · 15/03/2018 12:10

@pluckedpencil - of course, he doesn't need to do these things. If he makes his own way in a different path, great, more spare cash and space for me!

@paxillin - My DS is still a babe and I'm in my mid twenties!! I know it seems to silly to start thinking about this now, but it is influencing some of my present choices, without being a huge over-riding concern. So yeah, I was just wondering how "normal" this is.

OP posts:
Pluckedpencil · 15/03/2018 12:12

Yeah, I think it should be the way family planning is done. I had two as that's what we can afford.

paxillin · 15/03/2018 12:14

Don't worry about it then. Look for a good nursery. Who knows what will be normal in 2040. No point even worrying, who would have predicted 2018 in the 1990s?

Inseoir · 15/03/2018 12:14

It's totally normal to worry about the future but it's not good for you to plan it in so much detail - I think as you get older you'll see more how much things are outside your control and how sometimes you just have to go for things and trust they'll work out. Overplanning can make you anxious