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Original poster

I just don’t want to help anymore

202 replies

TotallyShellshocked · 14/03/2018 21:39

Feeling terrible about writing this and would appreciate views on this please.

I have been picking up a colleague on the way to work every morning and dropping her home in the evening. She is suffering from ill health and takes strong meds.
In the morning this puts about 10 minutes on my journey time so not too bad however it makes it difficult for me if I want to get in early to catch up on stuff before work gets busy. But I can live with that. In the evening on the other hand I drop her home and then have to battle my way back through traffic in the direction I just cane from to pick up DD. It takes on average 45 mins to get to where I collect DD when drop the colleague home first and it would take only 15 mins to get from work to DD.
I originally offered to help her because the health issue was expected to be short term. Things have meantime escalated and it looks like there is no end in sight. The arrangement was only expected to last a few weeks, months maybe but it had now been well over a year... I have s lit going on in my own life at the moment and I feel so tired. It’s an awful thing to say but I just don’t want to help anymore. How do I break the news gently? Please help. Thanks

OP posts:
Bettyfood · 14/03/2018 22:10

I don't give a monkey's, ebony. It's not the OP's responsibility and if someone is that incapable they should be signed off work.

Belindabauer · 14/03/2018 22:12

You have been very kind but now is time to stop.
Maybe do the mornings but not the drop off.

Bettyfood · 14/03/2018 22:13

Also, the colleague should have known that the OP was putting herself out so much. A reasonable person would be mortified to think they were putting someone else to so much trouble.

Gemini69 · 14/03/2018 22:14

Stop explaining yourself.... and stop justifying her reasons for needing a lift to and from her door.... even if she was improving.. you're never likely to know because it would mean an end to the free cushy door to door services you provide.. is anyone offering you fuel money ?

you simply say... Sorry I can't facilitate your lifts anymore... no explanation... Flowers

ebonyandivory · 14/03/2018 22:15

BettyFood Oh, I do agree that it is not the OP's responsibility. But even if they had terminal cancer it wouldn't be either. I had had people in my life with serious health issues and they have needed a lot of care but however sick they are, I would still say no. There is always someone else who can help.

WinstonlovesJulia1984 · 14/03/2018 22:15

You have been incredibly generous with your time by helping her out for over a year. It's OK not to want to do so any more.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/03/2018 22:15

"Public transport would be difficult. She is not mobile enough."

What does she do when you are on holidays or off for some reason, TotallyShellshocked?

coffeeX10 · 14/03/2018 22:15

You’re not being unreasonable at all, you did a lovely thing and you can’t go on forever!! I’d be tempted to go with the white lie as another Pp said and say that things have changed with collection of your daughter and it’s no longer feasible to drop her home.

BMW6 · 14/03/2018 22:19

OP you have gone above and beyond so no need for you to feel guilty in saying Sorry, but it's impacting on my life/family outside work too much now.

Iluvthe80s · 14/03/2018 22:19

You have been more than reasonable. Don't feel any guilt. You have your own responsibilities

FlashTheSloth · 14/03/2018 22:20

Definitely don't ask if she can make her own way home. Just tell her you can't do it anymore as it's making you late for picking up your DD. It's really not your responsibility how she gets home.

Babyroobs · 14/03/2018 22:21

She may be able to claim a disability benefit such as PIP which is extra money for things like taxis etc to help people keep working.

Original poster
TotallyShellshocked · 14/03/2018 22:23

Before I gave her lifts she used to drive. That is until her back got bad. I didn’t know about the government funded taxi scheme. Will mention it to her. I have already asked colleagues who come from the same-ish direction as we do if they could help but they both said that couldn’t help because trey don’t always go straight home after work.

I’m starting to think that perhaps I should try a bit harder to say ‘no’.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 14/03/2018 22:25

The thing is, if she cant physically get to and from work, she needs to address this with your employer. You aren't responsible for her. So tomorrow, when you drop her home, say "I'm really sorry but won't be able to help with lifts either way past Friday as I have just too many commitments and am exhausted with juggling them all. I hope you're able to sort something" and move on. You've been way too nice for too long.

Feodora · 14/03/2018 22:26

You have been very kind to do it for a year and I think it’s very reasonable to say you can no longer give her a lift home in two weeks time.

To everyone, is it not an extra 30 minutes, not 45 minutes as it still takes 15 minutes from the Op’s place of work to her daughter’s school, whilst currently it takes 45 minutes including dropping the colleague off? However, OP an extra 30 minutes daily is still a lot and I am not asking this to try and say it’s only 30 minutes, just scratching my head I have got my maths right!

RubyFlint · 14/03/2018 22:28

You've been very kind OP. It will be unpleasant telling her but I imagine the relief for you will be huge when you do. There's nothing at all wrong with putting your own family first.

Ellendegeneres · 14/03/2018 22:30

Just to put into perspective for you- my back is fucked. Like properly ruined. My discs are fucked, I’ve arthritis in my spine, my mobility is absolutely fucking terrible.
(I swear when talking about it because it absolutely devastated me)

I struggle on transport- the bumpiness of buses kills, the sitting for prolonged periods on trains is excruciating, getting in and out of most cars is an absolute joke and the journey if it’s more than 15-20mins has me in tears. Not to speak of speed bumps.

I have been told I’ll be unable to work. I can’t stand for too long nor can I sit. So the thought of doing what your colleague is doing and inconveniencing someone so lovely and kind makes my stomach churn. I know she probably doesn’t realise it, but she is fully taking the piss by not even acknowledging to you that this has gone on for too long and she’s not stupid- she knows you probably don’t want to do it. She’s relying on you to feel too bad for her to say anything.
Please speak up and tell her it needs to stop. I couldn’t be her. I couldn’t continue making someone else’s life harder for my solitary gain, even though I’m disabled. It’s not on.

Rememberfluffthecat · 14/03/2018 22:31

You have been very kind and you say she knows the journey you have to make to pick up your daughter. It's time to call it a day. She needs to sort out a long term solution to her (not your) travel issues. You have to think of yourself now. She does sound like she is taking advantage especially as originally it was meant to be a short term solution. Good luck. You sound lovely

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/03/2018 22:34

Before I gave her lifts she used to drive. That is until her back got bad

Forgive me, but I can't help wondering if there's an element of you being used here; I appreciate driving is an extra strain, but if she's able to get in and out of your car and sit in one position for the journey's length, is it really impossible for her to use her own?

You've not mentioned what kind of job it is, but how does she manage at work? And you've not mentioned whether she's offered to help with travel costs ... ?

category12 · 14/03/2018 22:43

Does she contribute petrol money even?

"Hi colleague, I've been glad to help with lifts, but the extra journey time every evening has become too much for me - I'm missing out on seeing my daughter play and it makes it a really long day for me. This was only meant to be a temporary arrangement. I'm sorry but I think it's got to the stage where you need to find a sustainable alternative. I'll continue giving you lifts this week/fortnight, but after that I won't be able to."

AuntLydia · 14/03/2018 22:44

I agree with everyone. You need to stop the lifts home, they simply don't work for you. Especially if she's also expecting you to run her around to shops etc on the way home. And I would absolutely go in early if you need to, just tell her 'I'm going in for x o clock tomorrow, happy to give you a lift but I'll have to pick you up at y time'. So make it more on your terms.

agbnb · 14/03/2018 22:50

You are not letting anyone down, a year is about 51 weeks longer than most people would or could help for!

For Christ's sake OP, you do realise you need to prioritize what YOU need in order to stay healthy, right?

You helped someone , feel good about it, but end it because it's not viable any more.

Your colleague and her employer will have to make alternative arrangements. Give her a week's notice but do NOT pretend it's for a reason you'll be feeling like you need to overexplain. It just doesn't work for you any more.

Do you need our approval? If so, you have it. You have permission to put a stop to this and prioritise what you and your DD need!!!!

MrsCrabbyTree · 14/03/2018 22:50

After reading your last post it appears that you driving her is now a convenient habit for her. If you don't say anything she will continue to believe you are happy to help. I agree with others that you have gone above and beyond for a long time, rather than the few weeks you agreed to. Time to make an end date to the extra driving and use those extra minutes for you and your family.

Urubu · 14/03/2018 22:50

You sound very kind OP.
Don't feel that it is your responsability to find alternative arrangements, though. Say you can't do it anymore after x date that is enough.

FuckCalmRhageOn · 14/03/2018 22:51

You've been very kind for a long time. But this woman is not your responsibility. There are avenues she can explore and is imagine she would qualify for pip which would help her cover her costs.
You matter too and time with your dd is important and in context with your life your dd is more important.

I'd be firm but fair and Just say it's too much