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AIBU?

I just don’t want to help anymore

202 replies

TotallyShellshocked · 14/03/2018 21:39

Feeling terrible about writing this and would appreciate views on this please.

I have been picking up a colleague on the way to work every morning and dropping her home in the evening. She is suffering from ill health and takes strong meds.
In the morning this puts about 10 minutes on my journey time so not too bad however it makes it difficult for me if I want to get in early to catch up on stuff before work gets busy. But I can live with that. In the evening on the other hand I drop her home and then have to battle my way back through traffic in the direction I just cane from to pick up DD. It takes on average 45 mins to get to where I collect DD when drop the colleague home first and it would take only 15 mins to get from work to DD.
I originally offered to help her because the health issue was expected to be short term. Things have meantime escalated and it looks like there is no end in sight. The arrangement was only expected to last a few weeks, months maybe but it had now been well over a year... I have s lit going on in my own life at the moment and I feel so tired. It’s an awful thing to say but I just don’t want to help anymore. How do I break the news gently? Please help. Thanks

OP posts:

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/03/2018 00:01

Dont feel bad about saying no. You will never get this time in your daughter's life again. Don't miss out on seeing her play sport and catching up with other parents at school. This is important to you and you should not be sacrificing yourself for this colleague, who by now should have realised that this for them is a long term situation.
And yes. Why can't other colleagues help out. If they are not coming forward there is your clue.
You must not feel bad about this. You have already done your part. She has to acknowledge her problem and make other arrangements and not continue to depend on you when it is completely unreasonable. And don't let her bleat that she doesn't know what else to do...if you were not there she would have to find another way. Give her notice but be firm. I suspect that you will be under pressure and colleagues will make you feel guilty. Guilt them right back!!

HollaHolla · 15/03/2018 00:07

I’ve also got ‘a bad back’, sounds similar effect to @Elendegeneres. I have had to change to an automatic car, and I work at home two days a week. This was negotiated with my employer, when it became evident things would only get worse. I also stagger medication so I am safe to drive. Are any of those potentially a option for the colleague? I know this isn’t your responsibility, but you might feel a bit better about things, if you know there are these options for her.

And cheers for the understanding from the PP who said manning up is the way forward. Yes. It is, but would you also say that to someone with other disabling conditions?

HollaHolla · 15/03/2018 00:08

Ps. I’d also feel dreadful if anyone felt put upon by me. So, be kind, but tell her. She probably doesn’t realise the extent of it.

appleschnapps · 15/03/2018 00:28

Nothing to add, you have been very kind but it's time to stop the lifts to and from work.

Ollivander84 · 15/03/2018 00:47

Stop the lifts. I say this as someone who had emergency spinal surgery, cauda equina and degenerative disc disease

Betsy86 · 15/03/2018 01:11

Placemarking.....

Mustang27 · 15/03/2018 01:51

God that is shit but you don't need to be losing 2hrs on an evening for a work colleague. I really hope it goes ok telling her you can't help anymore.

If it's no big deal to take her to work you could compromise and continue with that but she needs to make alternative arrangements for getting home it's just really unfair on you. Never would I accept a lift if I knew that person was getting home an hour later due to dropping me off, if she is a nice person she won't bat an eyelid at you saying you can't do this anymore. It really isn't your burden to shoulder.

CherryMaDeary · 15/03/2018 02:22

Waiting on tenterhooks...

AjasLipstick · 15/03/2018 02:24

Why would you be on tenterhooks Cherry? It's a fairly mundane problem OP is having....not exactly life and death!

Greensleeves · 15/03/2018 02:39

I'd probably tell her I'd had a complaint about not picking DD up on time and couldn't risk it happening again.

I sympathise, I hate this sort of thing. Saying no to people is much harder than it sounds.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 15/03/2018 03:04

It’s not up to you to resolve the issue. She can sort it herself

Ninabean17 · 15/03/2018 04:59

You've been incredibly kind op, but this isn't your responsibility. Good luck today.

ChickenMom · 15/03/2018 05:22

You’ve done this for a year to your own detriment and your DD. No more. This is not your responsibility. You are not her employer or her mother. Time to stop. Don’t keep doing the morning either or you still have an investment in her issues and it will slowly creep back. Just be firm and don’t give too many details. You are allowed to have what you want and you are allowed to say no. You don’t have to have or give reasons. Getting home at 7pm after leaving work at 5pm is not ok. Just say “dear colleague. As from next Monday I won’t be able to give you lifts to or from work as my personal situation is changing. Please make other arrangements as from this date” and please don’t keep asking other colleagues or trying to work out an alternative. They’ve all said no because they don’t want to get stuck too. It’s her responsibility to sort herself out. She’s had a year!!

OneStepSideways · 15/03/2018 07:32

You've been very kind to her, but need to set some boundaries now. You're not responsible for getting her to and from work. She needs to make other arrangements, even if that means sick leave for a period of time, or paying for a taxi with disabled access.

Just be honest about the traffic situation, say you need to get to DD earlier. Your daughter is your priority and your colleague should understand this.

blueskyinmarch · 15/03/2018 07:50

You have been a kind and supportive colleague but you cannot keep giving her lifts indefinitely and i suspect she knows this. She needs to speak to her employer about what can be done to support her continuing to work, not relying on you. What would she do if you were ill for a period or you left the company?

It is time for a frank and honest chat with her. Leave her in no doubt that you cannot continue as you have been doing. Good luck.

SeaCabbage · 15/03/2018 08:14

I am concerned that you are going to ask her. Don't ask her anything, just inform her of your new circumstances and therefore the impact on her. don't ask her permission for god's sake.

agbnb · 15/03/2018 08:17

Have you TOLD her it WILL stop OP?
Please give yourself and your DD priority for once!

Roussette · 15/03/2018 08:23

As a pp said, you have done about 50 weeks more than I would have! I'm a person who does help other people but not on an open ended arrangement.

Does this person pay you? Do they thank you continually, buy you flowers, chocolates, go out of their way to be grateful?

I have a feeling the answer is no, and there is an assumption there...

Whenever I read threads like this I am because I don't know anyone who would put themselves out like this for a whole year. The woman concerned has been very lucky but it is time to put your DD first. No way would I ever have missed something with my kids to go hours out of my way for a year for someone I worked with.

umpteennamechanges · 15/03/2018 08:32

I would tell a white lie and say in one month's time you need to start picking up DD at a different time...

HSMMaCM · 15/03/2018 08:49

Don't worry about stopping the mornings at the same time. It's not as much of an inconvenience as after work, but is still an inconvenience.

cafune7 · 15/03/2018 08:52

Did you tell her, OP?🌷

SavageBeauty73 · 15/03/2018 08:57

Good luck

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/03/2018 09:15

Well, it's not very often we see such agreement on AIBU, and I admit I missed the bit about her also being able to get in and out for shopping, medication and so on. From the number of times it's been asked and not replied to (not that there's any obligation of course) it also appears she's not offering anything towards costs

It really does seem to have come down to a simple choice: either be firm but kind about this now, or accept that there'll be no end to it

boxyfingo · 15/03/2018 09:17

Good luck - you have to say something. It is very sad that your colleague's quality of life is affected, but you are not reasonable for her and there is no reason why your own quality of life should be affected. You have been exceptionally kind and generous but for far too long. You owe it to yourself and your family to live your lives according to your own needs and plans.

Ginger1982 · 15/03/2018 09:22

Hope you are able to get this resolved today OP. I also think it's cheeky to expect you to stop off for medication and shopping for her on your way home!

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