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AIBU?

I just don’t want to help anymore

202 replies

TotallyShellshocked · 14/03/2018 21:39

Feeling terrible about writing this and would appreciate views on this please.

I have been picking up a colleague on the way to work every morning and dropping her home in the evening. She is suffering from ill health and takes strong meds.
In the morning this puts about 10 minutes on my journey time so not too bad however it makes it difficult for me if I want to get in early to catch up on stuff before work gets busy. But I can live with that. In the evening on the other hand I drop her home and then have to battle my way back through traffic in the direction I just cane from to pick up DD. It takes on average 45 mins to get to where I collect DD when drop the colleague home first and it would take only 15 mins to get from work to DD.
I originally offered to help her because the health issue was expected to be short term. Things have meantime escalated and it looks like there is no end in sight. The arrangement was only expected to last a few weeks, months maybe but it had now been well over a year... I have s lit going on in my own life at the moment and I feel so tired. It’s an awful thing to say but I just don’t want to help anymore. How do I break the news gently? Please help. Thanks

OP posts:

Report

ReanimatedSGB · 14/03/2018 22:52

It's fine to stop giving her lifts. Whether she is genuinely suffering, or a malingering CF, is actually not relevant. The point is you are not her mother, her carer, her best mate or her chauffeur. It is not your problem whether she gets to work or has to pack the job in. That's between her and your mutual employer.

You agreed to help on a short term basis and you have been doing it over a year. that's way more than enough kindness and helpfulness on your part.

UpLighter · 14/03/2018 22:52

OP you are amazingly kind for doing this for so long.
Be kind to yourself and daughter now and spend that time together living your lives.

agbnb · 14/03/2018 22:54

I have already asked colleagues who come from the same-ish direction as we do if they could help but they both said that couldn’t help because trey don’t always go straight home after work.

OP stop this too.

Are you her parent?
Her carer?
Her line manager?

No, so it's not your responsibility to figure out how she can get to work.
Don't "try" to be firmer! Just say it's not working and stops on X date.

I honestly don't think you should continue with the morning lifts either, you'll feel (unjustified) guilty and when will the lifts EVER stop?

Motoko · 14/03/2018 22:55

I think you should stop the lifts both ways. It's gone way past doing her a favour, and is deeply embedded in the taking advantage of you territory.

I think category12's suggestion is a good one.

BookHelpPlease · 14/03/2018 22:55

@Feodora

You are forgetting the 15 mins in the morning.

TotallyShellshocked · 14/03/2018 22:56

Thanks for your kind words all. I will speak to her tomorrow and post an update. Thanks again I really appreciate the advise.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 14/03/2018 23:03

don't speak to her.... TELL her.....

Crispbutty · 14/03/2018 23:04

if she can drive and is able to sit in your car for the journey then I don't understand why she can't get herself to work. an automatic car is practically the same as just sitting in a car as I appreciate driving a manual could be more difficult (changing gear and clutch pedal)

Gemini69 · 14/03/2018 23:06

she's ripping the absolute PISS

GreenTulips · 14/03/2018 23:11

She may well beable to get a disability allowance for a car, has she even asked?

Feodora · 14/03/2018 23:16

Ah, thanks BookHelpPlease

BlankTimes · 14/03/2018 23:17

I thought the same as Crispbutty if she can get in and out of your car and be okay for nipping into shops etc. on the way home, an automatic should be fine for her to drive.

Does she contribute over and above for petrol and the extra time it takes you to chauffeur her around?

Gemini69 · 14/03/2018 23:17

ask yourself this.. when making these kind decisions......

Would she be doing all this for you lady ...?

ohfortuna · 14/03/2018 23:19

problem is that you have made a rod for your own back, albeit unwittingly since you initially believed that this would be a temporary situation.

In taking up the burden of this woman's transport to and from work you have made it your problem, the longer it goes on the harder it is to stop because it will now feel as if it is your fault that she cannot get to and from work.

She is a friend/colleague and these sorts of relationships need to be equitable and reciprocal, you have assumed the position of an unpaid carer.

I have already asked colleagues who come from the same-ish direction as we do if they could help but they both said that couldn’t help because trey don’t always go straight home after work
they can see what happened to you and they dont want to step into your shoes for fear that they will be trapped in the same position as you OP

Jux · 14/03/2018 23:20

Good luck. Just be firm, it's not working any more, things change. You don't have to explain or justify - you're not her chauffeur. Just tell her things have changed and you won't be able to do it any more, either in the morning or the evening.

Mookie81 · 14/03/2018 23:25

Placemarking

Wiseoldhoots · 14/03/2018 23:26

Don't say anything that will give her a chance to reply with a sob story!

Just say "before I forget, I've got ...... starting in a couple of weeks so won't be able to continue with lifts"

Don't throw in "but if", "do you", "hope you". It'll give her chance to guilt trip!

You've done enough for her, she should be grateful you did it this long.

I'd have lost my shit after 2 weeks!

KriticalSoul · 14/03/2018 23:32

I agree that if she can get in and out of your car, and nip to the shops, she's perfectly capable of driving an automatic.

Unless its her meds causing the issue? I know I wasnt' allowed to drive for a couple of weeks when I started taking mine because they make you drowsy, but if this issue has been going on for over a year, those kind of side effects ought to have worn off.

64BooLane · 14/03/2018 23:33

Don't throw in "but if", "do you", "hope you". It'll give her chance to guilt trip!

^^ This this this

Bad back or not, I’m afraid she sounds like she’s taking advantage of your kindness. A year! Ffs.

Your DD deserves to have you there earlier watching her do some of her sport. Think about that if you get any hint of guilt-tripping, and let it strengthen your resolve.

MatildaTheCat · 14/03/2018 23:36

I have a ‘back problem ‘ which has entirely altered my life. I’m not wheelchair bound or anything but very reliant on help.

But...friends have helped me enormously incluyone particular friend who helped me with walking my dog. I was very grateful but after a while she stopped helping on a day she used to do. I never asked why and she never said but it was obvious that for some reason she just didn’t want to do it.

What I’m trying to say is that I think if she’d been straight with me and said, sorry, it’s not working on xday, but I can still help on yday or in an emergency, it would have been easier.

Tell your colleague that it’s not working and you can’t continue but do give her some notice if you can. Claiming PIP takes months but she may get some help elsewhere. Ultimately it’s not your problem. You’ve been very kind but helping short term shouldn’t be a long term impingement on your family time.

And yes, back problems are seriously disabling for the pp who thinks otherwise.

knickerelastic · 14/03/2018 23:38

She's been exploiting you & should really of got a taxi or something. I would never do anything like this unleess i was closely related to them.

BrendasUmbrella · 14/03/2018 23:44

Good luck tomorrow! Point her towards the access to work site.

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Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2018 23:48

Nothing more to add, you have been extremely kind to her for a year, it has now come the time when this is no longer suitable for you. You have to tell her. If she cannot get into work independently, she cannot do the job. Funny how there are no colleagues to help, you need to now be assertive and say no.

ebonyandivory · 14/03/2018 23:50

I think it is right that the OP should put her foot down and say no but let's not make assumptions about the woman taking adavantage. The onus is on OP to set the bounaries. Assertiveness is a choice, being disabled is not.

ebonyandivory · 14/03/2018 23:52

MatildaTheCat Exactly. I hate when people are not straightforward and expect us to mind read. Not that I am saying the OP is doing that, but there are those who keep quiet and expect us to know how they feel or think. Rather a cruel thing to do to someone with a chronic disabling illness.

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