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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving my ex an ultimatum about mother’s day

241 replies

marlinf · 12/03/2018 07:38

My ex and I have a two year old ds, but split up before he was born. Things were acrimonious for quite a while but we are on really good terms now which I’m so happy and relieved about for ds’s sake.

Ex has a girlfriend of less than a year. He and I arranged to have lunch together yesterday for mother’s day with ds (he would have seen him anyway that day, we sometimes spend time together, sometimes he spends time with ds on his own)

Apparently when ex told his gf we were having mother’s day lunch together she went mad and told him that if he went ahead she would break up with him. He went ahead anyway. She said it was inappropriate and that if anything she should have been invited too. I’ve never met her and from what ex has says in the past she is a bit jealous of me, so while I have no objection in theory to her coming along I feel like it would have been awkward and detracted from the three of us having a relaxed time.

So now she has broken up with him and I’m wondering, was she BU or were we?

OP posts:
DevilsDoorbell · 12/03/2018 07:42

She was. If you are in a relationship with a man who has a child, you have to expect that he will be seeing his ex at some time. It was lunch with your child, not a night time date!

Sounds nds like a lucky escape for him.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 07:44

I should have said it was lunch out in a restaurant if that makes a difference? Does that make it more like a date? There is no flirting or anything like that between us

OP posts:
rollingonariver · 12/03/2018 07:47

She was being unreasonable and it's really good your ex put your child first 😊

OlivesAndWhiskey · 12/03/2018 07:47

I think the fact he was sharing so much of his personal relationship with you in the first place is extremely odd. If she told him in confidence that she felt uncomfortable (understandably) with her partner spending Mother's day with his ex, then they should of spoken about it and reached an agreement instead of telling tales to his ex.

He doesn't sound like a supportive partner of her tbh

It's fascinating that you finish this post with was 'she' BU or was 'we'. Like it's you and him in a partnership against her.

What made you ask the question out of curiosity?

RebootYourEngine · 12/03/2018 07:47

I dont see the problem with you, ex and ds having lunch together. Your ex sounds well rid of her.

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed · 12/03/2018 07:48

She was. It's his chance to have time with his child time for a parenting decision you both made. It sounds like she's not a good fit for your ex and som really.

OliviaStabler · 12/03/2018 07:48

She was being jealous and very silly. I think he has dodged a bullet there.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 07:50

I’m glad you think that, obviously I’m viewing things (and always will) from the perspective of what’s best for ds, so in terms of that I feel like what we did was right. But to a certain extent I don’t want trouble for my ex’s future relationships so I guess I’m trying to see it from her/a gf’s point of view a bit.

OP posts:
JustMarriedBecca · 12/03/2018 07:50

Your partner was entitled to choose to have lunch with his child on Mother's Day. She is just as entitled to choose to not date someone who doesn't put her first. He's better finding out now where she stands on this. He should put his child first but this is why I could never date anyone with kids from a previous relationship. I guess it depends on how long they've been together - if it's a while then maybe she should have come along.

SciFiG33k · 12/03/2018 07:52

Why would you want to have mothers day lunch with your ex? Sounds a bit like playing happy families. Are you actually over each other?
If you had a DH would he gave cone along too or been excluded?

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 07:52

Olives we are not in a partnership ‘against her’ but we are in a parenting partnership.

Have you been in a similar position to his now ex?

OP posts:
seedsofchocolate · 12/03/2018 07:54

She was BU, and ridiculous. I cannot bear those who date other people that have young children and then create issues over their relationship with exes. There are plenty of child free people out there, she can go and pick one of them.

Good for you, your ex and ds OP. This harmony and time together for your son, is what should come first.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 07:54

SciFi because it’s nice for ds to have time with both his parents. It’s not playing happy families it’s being civilised and mature and thinking of the happiness of our child. We are over each other yes, I’ve got a boyfriend and until yesterday he had a girlfriend.

OP posts:
SciFiG33k · 12/03/2018 07:54

'Have come' not 'gave cone' the argh auto correct.

Do you not think your DS will find it confusing doing intimate things with mum and dad together but they still won't live together?

Damia · 12/03/2018 07:55

I think that it's weird that if you guys are close enough to go out to lunch together etc. That you have never met her? No wonder she's paranoid. Probably feels like you're being kept apart for some reason. I don't think mothers day is the right day to meet but I don't blame her for being fed up.

AngelL7 · 12/03/2018 07:56

She’s BU, I think it’s nice that the 2 of you do this for DC

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 07:59

Damia they’d been together about 8 months I think, didn’t live together and she lives about three hours from me, so we hadn’t met partly for that reason, although I had said to him I was happy to meet her whenever

OP posts:
Cambionome · 12/03/2018 07:59

To be honest I think it's a bit odd that he wanted to have lunch with you on mother's day, and I completely understand that she felt very excluded.

I think this will continue to cause problems with his (and your) future relationships and you need to start creating a bit of distance now.

He can see his dc and have a happy relationship with them without going out for lunch with you; it's just not appropriate.

RayRay9226 · 12/03/2018 07:59

I think it's lovely that your ds gets to see both his parents together and have happy memories with both parents even though your not together. She's BU.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:02

SciFi do I think that doing intimate things together but not living together will be confusing for ds? Is having lunch really that intimate Confused

To answer your question, in a word, no

OP posts:
Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:04

Thanks Cambionome I appreciate it could cause issues with his future relationships but I would hope he’d continue to put his child first. As for issues in my relationship, my boyfriend has no problem with it at all, he trusts me and respects my decisions with regard to ds, and is secure enough that he’s not threatened by me having lunch with someone I have no romantic interest in.

OP posts:
SciFiG33k · 12/03/2018 08:08

OP that's good, it's your DS you will know what is best in regards to what would confuse him.

I don't think either you or the gf were being unreasonable. You are not being unreasonable to ask your ds's dad to do something you think is right for you and him. And the now ex gf is not being unreasonable to be uncomfortable with it and want to leave a short term relationship because she doesn't see it working for her long term.

Dancingmonkey87 · 12/03/2018 08:09

I think yabu put yourself in her shoes would you be happy your bf going out with his ex for Mother’s Day lunch. I know I wouldn’t like it. When does it stop, your birthday, Christmas etc? There was a thread not long about an op who was pregnant and her dp went and spend Christmas with his ex (cheated on her to) There was nothing stopping you and your ds going out together. I think your blurring the lines and there will be problems for any partners that come on the scene.

Shedmicehugh1 · 12/03/2018 08:09

Maybe as things were quite acrimonious between you before, his gf thought he is not over you? Maybe he isn’t over you?

Dancingmonkey87 · 12/03/2018 08:10

If your have your own bf why did he not go with you and your ds? It was Mother’s day not the child’s birthday. It makes zero sense that your ex needed to be there tbh!

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