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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving my ex an ultimatum about mother’s day

241 replies

marlinf · 12/03/2018 07:38

My ex and I have a two year old ds, but split up before he was born. Things were acrimonious for quite a while but we are on really good terms now which I’m so happy and relieved about for ds’s sake.

Ex has a girlfriend of less than a year. He and I arranged to have lunch together yesterday for mother’s day with ds (he would have seen him anyway that day, we sometimes spend time together, sometimes he spends time with ds on his own)

Apparently when ex told his gf we were having mother’s day lunch together she went mad and told him that if he went ahead she would break up with him. He went ahead anyway. She said it was inappropriate and that if anything she should have been invited too. I’ve never met her and from what ex has says in the past she is a bit jealous of me, so while I have no objection in theory to her coming along I feel like it would have been awkward and detracted from the three of us having a relaxed time.

So now she has broken up with him and I’m wondering, was she BU or were we?

OP posts:
Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:10

Thanks SciFi, I genuinely feel bad that she’s upset hence me asking the question but I guess we have to all do what we feel is best. I have parents that can’t bear each other and haven’t spoken for twenty years so maybe that’s why I’m so keen on staying friendly and spending time all together

OP posts:
GoSuckAFart · 12/03/2018 08:10

scifi its not confusing. Not in the slightest. I think its important kids get time with mum and dad together. it breeds healthy relationships.

It would be more confusing if mum and dad didn't spend any length of time together in the same room though I understand for some kids its best those parents don't.

Going out to lunch is not odd at all. I have gone out to lunch with exes even though they have partners and its not caused any issues. SO this woman kicking up a fuss is on her and her jealousy. If she was serious about your ex she would've made efforts to meet you and then make sure your DS is happy too.

BeyondThePage · 12/03/2018 08:11

It does sound a bit odd to me- going to lunch with an ex (even child's father) on Mother's day. But, whatever works for you all I guess.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:11

Dancingmonkey as I said, it was ex’s normal contact day. My bf was seeing his own mother.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 12/03/2018 08:11

Speaking from experience, and quite a few years down the line from where you are now, yanbu.

She would only BU if she's gets back with your ex and then tries to change what is a nice, healthy co parenting relationship between you and your ex. It's fine for her to say she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who has the commitment your ex has, but she has no right to try and damage it.

headinhands · 12/03/2018 08:11

Another poster here not sure why your ex felt the need to make you privy to their discussion about it. Regardless of the meal, i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who divulged personal issues with an ex.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:12

So because it happened to be mother’s day, ds and ex should have been deprived of their contact day?

OP posts:
EllieMe · 12/03/2018 08:13

He's had a lucky escape.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:13

headinhands I see what you’re saying and I wouldn’t want my bf to divulge things like that to his ex, but my ex is an oversharer and she was texting him throughout the meal, and he was upset and told me. Not saying it’s right that he did that (he’s my ex for a number of reasons!)

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 12/03/2018 08:16

You just swap the day that’s what I do. Same with Father’s Day if it lands on that day. We split when ds was 1,we don’t need to do days out together to show him we love him. It’s just not necessary. DS has a good relationship with both us and step parents and we both remarried and moved on.

ariettyspaghetti · 12/03/2018 08:20

she's definitely BU. she should see her partner treating the mother of his son with decency as a good thing. one day she might be in your position and she'll finally understand.

Tinkergirl1970 · 12/03/2018 08:21

I’m with Dancingmonkey, I didn’t have my kids yesterday as they were with their dad but they’ve promised to make today mother’s day for me. I split up from their dad when they were 5 and 7 and they would have found it very confusing to spend days together, especially as like many children they hoped for a long time we would get back together. This way we are civil, loving but separate parents

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:21

Dancingmonkey if that’s what you’ve chosen to do and works for you then great. It doesn’t mean your way is right and anything else is wrong, and we have both moved on, your implication being that we haven’t, or that moving on is only achieved from keeping everything strictly separate. Tbh if moving on is purely dependent on keeping everything strictly separate then id say that’s quite telling

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh1 · 12/03/2018 08:24

Is your ex over you? If he were serious about his gf why didn’t he invite her?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/03/2018 08:25

This is another of those 'only on MN' threads, isn't it?

All over the country, out here in the real world, kids and their divorced/separated parents got together for a polite Mothers Day meal.

In here a woman gets told she must still fancy her ex, or he her, and they are BU to know anything about each others personal lives.

Really? You all want to promote the stereotype of embittered exes rather than the possibility of 2 people managing to be civilised and even friendly, post break up?

You actually want to dissuade/belabour a poster from acting in an adult manner in the best interests of her child and for the relative sanity of herself and her ex?

Madness, self-defeating, pointless madness!

pinkhorse · 12/03/2018 08:30

I think it's a bit strange personally that the three of you had lunch together.

OlivesAndWhiskey · 12/03/2018 08:30

"Olives we are not in a partnership ‘against her’ but we are in a parenting partnership.

Have you been in a similar position to his now ex?"

Hi OP,

When my parents separated, my mother would cling to my father and try and do things jointly with me hiding behind the idea that it was 'best for me'. Which it wasn't! When my father got new partners, she would push for this even more and it was clear that it was for her benefit to be near my father and have that control.

Separated parents are extremely common and yet people still put great pressure on themselves to meet up as a family even though they're separated. As product of separated parents, I can vouch that it was unnecessary and rather awkward in fact. It was also not fair on my father's partners!

Dancingmonkey87 · 12/03/2018 08:30

I know no one that does this tbh in RL and most people would have a problem with it. Maybe for a child’s birthday because it’s all but the child but that’s it. Obviously it was an issue for your ex’s dp and you might find it’s an issue for an future partners. What happens if they have dc of their own? I don’t think it’s a long time solution and I do think it blurs the line.

Btw we have no issue with one another and very respectful, no bitterness nothing op.

TheFirstMrsDV · 12/03/2018 08:31

In an ideal world we would all be super cool and adult about exs and relationships and all that.
But I think people are being a bit harsh.
The GF was stupid to issue an ultimatum.
I don't think she is entirely unreasonable to be miffed at her BF having a family lunch with his ex.
We don't know how he was behaving about it.

She could be a selfish child-woman who is insanely jealous.
She could be an ordinary woman who was feeling a bit insecure about her BF going on a family date with his ex but the situation was made worse by her BF being A Bit of an Arse about it.

Who knows?

OlivesAndWhiskey · 12/03/2018 08:32

I also strongly agree with DancingMonkey!

"You just swap the day that’s what I do. Same with Father’s Day if it lands on that day. We split when ds was 1,we don’t need to do days out together to show him we love him. It’s just not necessary. DS has a good relationship with both us and step parents and we both remarried and moved on."

TheNaze73 · 12/03/2018 08:33

She was BU, not him.

People that give ridiculous ultimatums like that, always strike me as desperate, needy & manipulative

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:34

olives thanks, and it makes sense that you feel the way you do given your history

dancingmonkey “most people would have a problem with it” statistics? Evidence beyond ‘people you know’?

OP posts:
Tinkergirl1970 · 12/03/2018 08:37

I don’t want to dissuade anyone from doing what works best for their child, but in this situation the father has now got issues with his relationship breaking down and he will have to deal with the ex feeling that she hasn’t been a priority to him. I can understand why separated parents might be together for lunch on their child’s birthday but less so on mother’s day - why was the father not with his mother? But the op asked the question and that level of relationship with an ex doesn’t work for all of us

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/03/2018 08:38

I know no one that does this tbh in RL But others of us do, so there is no right or wrong here.

and most people would have a problem with it. Really? A problem with 2 people acting like grown ups? Why? And how do you know?

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:38

Thanks Samphire one thing that’s struck me is that somewhere upthread someone used the term ‘playing happy families’ as though that’s a bad thing. Shouldn’t we all be trying where possible? I completely appreciate it’s not always possible though

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