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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving my ex an ultimatum about mother’s day

241 replies

marlinf · 12/03/2018 07:38

My ex and I have a two year old ds, but split up before he was born. Things were acrimonious for quite a while but we are on really good terms now which I’m so happy and relieved about for ds’s sake.

Ex has a girlfriend of less than a year. He and I arranged to have lunch together yesterday for mother’s day with ds (he would have seen him anyway that day, we sometimes spend time together, sometimes he spends time with ds on his own)

Apparently when ex told his gf we were having mother’s day lunch together she went mad and told him that if he went ahead she would break up with him. He went ahead anyway. She said it was inappropriate and that if anything she should have been invited too. I’ve never met her and from what ex has says in the past she is a bit jealous of me, so while I have no objection in theory to her coming along I feel like it would have been awkward and detracted from the three of us having a relaxed time.

So now she has broken up with him and I’m wondering, was she BU or were we?

OP posts:
sunshineintheclouds · 12/03/2018 09:55

She said this by deliberately dodgy my many questions on that very matter.

Wink
Minisoksmakehardwork · 12/03/2018 09:56

I have friends who spilt up when their son was little. They have both gone on to other relationship and had a child each but continue to co-parent very successfully, because they still do things together with their son.

He is old enough to know mummy and daddy are just friends, but they love him as much as they ever did and they show this with 'family' days out. Sometimes this will include his younger siblings, sometimes it's just the 3 of them. Sometimes the step parents come as well.

In my opinion, if you can show your child that you can still be friends with your ex and parent together, you are less likely to end up with a lot of dysfunction caused by broken homes. Less lashing out and retaliation from a scared, young child. And if new partners can accept and be supportive, it works even better as the child then knows their step parents are just as great as their own parents.

Dancingmonkey87 · 12/03/2018 09:56

Themeal was for op benefit not the benefit of the child, if it was his birthday it would be different but was Mother’s day. I have a 2year he didn’t have a clue what day it was yesterday. As plenty pointed out in the long term it’s not going to be appropriate especially if her ex goes on to have a family of her own. How many threads of relationships or step parent boards where partners are having to deal with an difficult ex who what’s to celebrate with the ops dp but exclude them in the process. It was clear from op that she never has an intention for any partner to be included in such events in the near by future.

Lizzie48 · 12/03/2018 09:59

This set up seems very similar to the one my BIL had with his ex before he got together with my DSis. They used to spend Christmas Day together with their DS. But by then he was 9, so obviously it did him good to spend time with both of them.

They didn't continue with it. Not because my DSis objected, but because his life had moved on. Some things can't stay the same. They have always had a good working relationship and been able to both go to birthday parties, family weddings, things like that.

This is something your ex won't be able to go on doing if he wants to have a new partner, because most women wouldn't like this set up, as you can see from this thread.

Wtfdoipick · 12/03/2018 10:02

Things the op has said.

He sometimes has the child on his own.

He was upset about it.

Those two together don't add up to a mature healthy relationship. Maybe because I am a happy secure person if I was given an ultimatum I would weigh it up, if my behaviour was faulty I'd correct it if I believed the other person was unreasonable I'd tell them where to go but I wouldn't behave the way the ex did.

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 12/03/2018 10:02

She said this by deliberately dodgy my many questions on that very matter.

Translated:

She didn't say it at all, I just made it up.

Turn2Page394 · 12/03/2018 10:16

Ex is BU for the it's them or me scenario.

But when parents split up, them and DCs are no longer a family unit, especially when other partners become involved. DC now have two separate family units so Mother's day with Mum (and partner if involved in DCs life) and same for Father's Day.

Being 'grown up' doesn't mean you spend the day together because it is normally dads contact day or whatever. Or using the excuse you're doing it for your DS. Because you're not. You're doing it for yourself.

And FWIW I get on with my ex extremely well. We attend parents evenings, concerts, sports days etc together..you know..the things that are actually about our children. I wouldn't ask him to come for an undercover date a meal with me and DDs on Mother's Day.

Catinthebath · 12/03/2018 10:16

Many of us maintain a civilised relationship with our ex for the happiness and benefit of our kids including celebrating kids birthdays together when they are young but extending it to Mother’s Day is unnecessary and odd. Milk’s post was very incisive and I do wonder if OP is trying to create a family scenario with her DC’s father because her DC has never known it. If that’s the case I feel a bit sorry for OP and understand why she’d want her DC to experience a traditional 2 parent set up but I’d also give her ex a very wide berth given the potential for lack of boundaries.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/03/2018 10:26

After 8 months wanting to be prioritised over the EX is a signal that you respect yourself

Meh some would say you should expect your casual date to be doing something with his child for the child’s mother on mother’s day.

After all how your possibly intended partner treats his ex is a very good indication of how he will treat you.

Dungeondragon15 · 12/03/2018 10:26

Someone who you've been dating for 8 months is still in the casual boyfriend/girlfriend category. And casual boyfriends/girlfriends demanding to be prioritized over friends/family/DC is usually a warning signal to dump and move on.

I think she was just demanding to be prioritised over OP actually. Considering the DD is only two, has never known parents together and won't even know when Mother's day is or anything about going out for meals on that day, it is certainly not about her. He still went so she decided she couldn't be bothered with the relationship anymore. I bet it wasn't the only reason but even if it was, I don't think she has done anything wrong.

thecatsthecats · 12/03/2018 10:27

Getting the same vibes off OP as a woman I had the misfortune to encounter in a pub on Saturday night.

She budged over from the next table and started pushing her way into our group, being deliberately rude to me, then when I politely asked her to leave us alone, started throwing herself over my fiance, because LOOK AT HOW UNREASONABLE AND INSECURE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS, CHOOSE MEEEEEEEEEE. I told her directly to cut it out, she went into a diatribe, he called her a dick and she flounced off too.

My drama-provoking-flounce radar is picking up the same signals now.

blanikbalm · 12/03/2018 10:32

What happens when your ex and new girl have a baby? Will you all go out for Mother's Day lunch? It's odd. I don't blame her for thinking it's odd. Sorry OP.

sunshineintheclouds · 12/03/2018 10:36

Yeah she didn't say it all yet her title is

Giving my ex an ultimatum about mother’s day213

Grin
Justdontknow4321 · 12/03/2018 10:37

I can see you going to be one of those nightmare ex’s the stepmothers talk about on the step parenting board over lack of boundaries

This 100%. The GF is well rid of your ex. She dodged a massive bullet, imagine having to have a twat like the OP in her life forever.

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 12/03/2018 10:43

*Yeah she didn't say it all yet her title is

Giving my ex an ultimatum about mother’s day213*

😂

That was the girlfriend giving the ex an ultimatum, not the OP!

sunshineintheclouds · 12/03/2018 10:44

Haha you are very naive

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/03/2018 10:46

OP, I was in agreement with you, but your later posts had an air of glee about them. I think the ex GF did herself a massive favour.

cherylann010 · 12/03/2018 10:57

Its HIS normal contact day why should he give that up because its mothers day so i think you did exactly the right thing and all spend the time all together and neither of you miss you. Makes sense to me!

I would understand her point of view if its wasn't his contact day and he was choosing to spend the day with you over spending the day with her but thats not the case.

Its great that you guys can have a relationship like this. For the first year me and my ex did but over time this has come to a natural end. We still get on. Message during the week when he doesn't not see our LG and still messages about her when he does and sends photos, see each other at parents evening, birthday parties etc.

Tallia · 12/03/2018 11:19

Haven't RTFT but I think you and your ex were being unreasonable. This is a day for YOU, not a day for your child. Your ex has prioritised you (NOT his child) over his new girlfriend. It'd be a totally different situation if it were an occasion actually for your child i.e. their birthday/ school play /parents evening etc (though for the first two of those examples, assuming your ex had reached a point in the relationship where the new partner was also a part of the child's life, I'd expect the new partner to also be invited).

ReanimatedSGB · 12/03/2018 11:23

Thing is, sometimes your co-parent will take up with someone who is awful - perhaps good-looking, or a great shag, or wealthy or something, but also abusive/controlling/whiny/dishonest/hates DC. (Everyone occasionally dates a horror, after all). So (assuming that the parents did not separate due to abuse, and they are on friendly terms) it's still the case that any new partner comes second to existing family until that new partner has pretty much proven him/herself to be worth keeping.

People whose every new partner is The One, moving in within a fortnight, telling DC that the new partner is your new mum/dad are more at risk of messing up their DC than those who keep the new dates at arms' length and prioritize the current stable set up that they have in place.

Trinity66 · 12/03/2018 11:27

The question should be was she BU or was he tbf, it's nothing to do with you what goes on between them two really, if your ex wanted to have cancelled he could have, his choice

purplelila2 · 12/03/2018 11:34

This is the first time I've ever commented on a post . Op wow just wow you're responses to anyone who doesn't agree with you become personal and abusive...

I don't agree with you either and I'm not insecure.
If you have split up and are spending time together once there are other partners on the scene it becomes inappropriate.

This is not about co-parenting it's about having boundaries in place so you both move on properly .

I wouldn't be happy if my husband had an ex and spent any length of time with her on a regular basis and used dc as an excuse.

it's not sustainable long term as you will find out.

Paininthesass · 12/03/2018 11:35

Sorry correct me if I've read your comment wrong MyRelationshipIsWeird But you had a problem with your then dp doing something for the mother of his children, so he could do what he done for her, for you instead?
How selfish is that? And where was your dcs father? As I see it as his responsability to make sure that your dcs get cards etc for mothers day, vice versa for father's day until the dcs are old enough to do it themselves.

Catinthebath · 12/03/2018 11:49

pain I agree re the cards, but spending mother’s day with the ex is too far. No need.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 12/03/2018 11:52

I think your ex sounds like a really good guy! You two are doing an amazing job with your son. He’s well rid of her; you did nothing wrong.