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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving my ex an ultimatum about mother’s day

241 replies

marlinf · 12/03/2018 07:38

My ex and I have a two year old ds, but split up before he was born. Things were acrimonious for quite a while but we are on really good terms now which I’m so happy and relieved about for ds’s sake.

Ex has a girlfriend of less than a year. He and I arranged to have lunch together yesterday for mother’s day with ds (he would have seen him anyway that day, we sometimes spend time together, sometimes he spends time with ds on his own)

Apparently when ex told his gf we were having mother’s day lunch together she went mad and told him that if he went ahead she would break up with him. He went ahead anyway. She said it was inappropriate and that if anything she should have been invited too. I’ve never met her and from what ex has says in the past she is a bit jealous of me, so while I have no objection in theory to her coming along I feel like it would have been awkward and detracted from the three of us having a relaxed time.

So now she has broken up with him and I’m wondering, was she BU or were we?

OP posts:
VivaKondo · 12/03/2018 08:57

Actually marlinf what I am really surprised about is the fact that your bf is all happy about it.
Imo the one that acted badly in there is your ex that kept his gf down big way.
I would also not expect any arrangement like this to continue even in the medium term. At some point, partners (yours and his) will have to be involved. And you will have to stop playing happy families with your ex.

Btw, spending mother’s day with your ex had nothing to do with the child you have together. Because a day like this is not about the children. It’s all about the mother, the woman, YOU.

JackOConnellisstarredup · 12/03/2018 08:58

The child is 2 and you split up over a year ago. He'd be just as happy growing up just spending time with you separately. It's not like it's an older child who is sad that he doesn't see Mum and Dad together any more.

He won't be unhappy if you don't spend time together so I don't know why you seem to think not doing that would be putting him second.

OddS0ck · 12/03/2018 08:59

So the gf of 8 months wants to change the co-parenting arrangement which is working well for this little boy? She also disrupted the meal by constantly texting.

I think it is best she has split up with your ex as she isn't happy with how you both co-parent your son.

I wouldn't go for a Mother's Day lunch with my ex but that is our situation, not yours. What works for some people won't work for others. One size doesn't fit all.

I don't think you were unreasonable. The gf ultimately made the right choice for her too.

nellieellie · 12/03/2018 08:59

I think it’s great that you and your ex are able to meet up with your DS. It can only be good for him to see his parents getting on and spending time together. It is however, inevitable that some partners will feel threatened and insecure with this. I think it calls for extra diplomacy and the attempt to include the other partners if in a serious relationship. I don’t think either of you are BU. I do wonder though if you are both truly over the relationship. You may be, but is your ex? Obviously I have no idea, but if I’m wondering, it’s no wonder that your x’s gf acted as she did.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:59

Tinkergirl, dancingmonkey sounds bitter because she’s labouring her point over and over in an increasingly bitter manner

Tatiana as I’ve answered several times already it was his normal contact day, please RTFT

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 12/03/2018 08:59

What am I bitter about? I’m happily married with another two dc. My ex is also happily married with a baby we have zero drama whatsoever we split up 8 years ago 😂. I just don’t agree with your set up especially in the future and your going round calling anyone bitter who disagrees with you and try and gives you a different POV.

JackOConnellisstarredup · 12/03/2018 08:59

Sorry - you split up before he was born.

VivaKondo · 12/03/2018 09:01

she was texting him throughout the meal, and he was upset and told me
Well he could have thought about how he was hurting her by not respecting her and her deal breakers tbh.
He could have thought about what she said and how hurtful she is finding his behaviour before hand instead of putting himself first and coming to spend lunch with you instead.
It’s a bit rich to somehow make it her fault that he is upset because she dare making her feelings known.....

But he got to be comforted by you instead....

You could nearly think it’s attention seeking behaviour in his part tbh,

VivaKondo · 12/03/2018 09:02

it was his normal contact day
It was his normal contact day with his son not with you!!

JoolsSchmools · 12/03/2018 09:02

I've been married to DH for 12 years and he's been divorced from his ex 14 but they still go out for dinner once or twice a year with their kids. It doesn't bother me.

It was a very acrimonious split to start with but now they are in a place where they get along fine. It's nice for the kids to see them being grown up about it all.

People who have such an issue are projecting in my opinion.

redandsilver · 12/03/2018 09:02

Reverse?

Are you the 'jealous girlfriend @marlinf?'

ReanimatedSGB · 12/03/2018 09:02

You were being entirely reasonable, and he's better off without the childish twat of a gf.
I think it's a healthy, positive thing for separated parents to be on friendly enough terms to spend some 'family time' together; much better for the DC than for them to have to witness constant quarrels and/or mutual loathing. Also better to show them that family relationships come in a variety of shapes, and that family can be a bond that matters more than romantic partnerships. It needn't 'confuse' them as more and more people have families and connections that simply don't fit the heteromonogamy+kids model, and which are happy and stable.

Dancingmonkey87 · 12/03/2018 09:03

Tinkergirl1970 thanks I think I head a nerve especially highlighting how this might not be possible long term especially if her ex goes on to extend his family with his gf or someone else further down the line.

Shedmicehugh1 · 12/03/2018 09:04

I think another difficult, apart from the ones already pointed out is if your ex is not over you. It would be inappropriate to give him false hope.

redandsilver · 12/03/2018 09:04

I think the girlfriend dumping the man was BU, but she is not being U at being pissed off at him cozying up to his ex. The man was out of order, and clearly gives zero shits about this girlfriend of one year.

redandsilver · 12/03/2018 09:07

This man in question sounds like a selfish arse who want to have his cake and eat it.

The girlfriend (of one year,) is well rid of him.

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 12/03/2018 09:08

I think it's nice that you can have lunch together with your DS and remain civil for him. Lots of separated couples would be better off if they could remain friendly like you.

I can understand why your ex's GF felt a little intimated by it because it's a very family heavy activity and she might feel it's something she can't compete with. An ultimatum, however, was childish and inappropriate. It's possible that this was the last straw in a long history of her feeling like she is excluded and second-best by your ex, in which case they obviously just weren't suited.

Either way you yourself have done nothing wrong! Hopefully your ex will find a new partner who understands the reality of him having a child from a previous relationship.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 09:08

Dancingmonkey you don’t agree with my set up. That’s fine. So why feel the need to repeat yourself over and over again in an increasingly bitter and angry manner? It’s clear you have a chip on your shoulder and hate the fact I’m not agreeing with you. We (ex, ds and I) are happy with our arrangement and despite his ex being upset I feel (from posting and reading replies) that actually we are not BU, and that’s not going to change as a result of whether or not some random angry woman on the internet agrees. You’re coming across as slightly unhinged.

OP posts:
Tinkergirl1970 · 12/03/2018 09:09

Dancingmonkey87 I think you did hit a nerve and I totally agree with what you are saying. I think it’s worth being alert to the difficulties that could come in future relationships by setting this precedent with a 2 year old

sunshineintheclouds · 12/03/2018 09:09

Did you have any problem with ex bringing his new gf? Did you say she could not come?

MarthasGinYard · 12/03/2018 09:10

I really don't find Dmonkeys posts read as 'unhinged' Confused

TheFirstMrsDV · 12/03/2018 09:11

Reading your responses makes me think you are loving this and are incredibly smug about the whole situation.

I have been with my OH for 30 years so no axe to grind about exes.

I think your motives for this thread are suspect.

Tinkergirl1970 · 12/03/2018 09:12

So his ex is upset, your ex was upset and dancingmonkey is unhinged?! Blimey

R2G · 12/03/2018 09:12

I wouldn't like it either but would realise if I can't handle how the two of you conduct your relationship, it probably isn't the right thing for me. Good on your ex for sticking with plans. The real deal breaker for me is how much he's gossiping about her to you.

Willow2017 · 12/03/2018 09:13

Its good to show your kids that you can have an adult relationship with an ex.
If the child sees the parents are amicable from an early age it is surely better for them than to have parents who can never be in the same room together for fear of fighting or worse till showing the world they are presenting a united parenting for the sake of the kids.

My ex comes to my house to see the kids regularly, they love it. There is no 'not over each other' nor desire to get back together. It just suits everyone concerned. Sometimes I am home sometimes I am not. We chat over a cuppa about the kids and life in general. You know like adults.