Giving my ex an ultimatum about mother’s day

[marlinf]

My ex and I have a two year old ds, but split up before he was born. Things were acrimonious for quite a while but we are on really good terms now which I’m so happy and relieved about for ds’s sake.

Ex has a girlfriend of less than a year. He and I arranged to have lunch together yesterday for mother’s day with ds (he would have seen him anyway that day, we sometimes spend time together, sometimes he spends time with ds on his own)

Apparently when ex told his gf we were having mother’s day lunch together she went mad and told him that if he went ahead she would break up with him. He went ahead anyway. She said it was inappropriate and that if anything she should have been invited too. I’ve never met her and from what ex has says in the past she is a bit jealous of me, so while I have no objection in theory to her coming along I feel like it would have been awkward and detracted from the three of us having a relaxed time.

So now she has broken up with him and I’m wondering, was she BU or were we?

Your ex has dodged a bullet.

OP - it is odd for you and your ex to have a mother's day lunch together with your child - sorry but it is.

But it is also not great for a GF to demand he doesn't go or she will split from him - that kind of threat is trying to manipulate.

What is really bad is that this hadn't been sorted before the meal, and that he got a barrage of texts during the meal. They should have sorted this well before the meal, and he should have spent the meal being with his DS (having blocked her/switched off his phone).

Most people agree that whatever the contact rota - he gets Father's day and you get Mother's day.

I think it’s clear that people fall into one of two categories. Those that are secure and willing to put the children’s happiness first and not have a problem with exes spending any time together.

And those who are insecure, see exes as a threat, and think that own insecurities should trump children’s happiness. Good luck to you

It’s clear there are many insecure people from the replies, that feel their feelings should come before the happiness of the dc

I genuinely feel sorry for how fearful/insecure a lot of you are. It must be awful to think your partner is so susceptible to his ex! But I feel more sorry for any dc who come second to that

These two statements alone from you op show how condescending you been to posters who simple don’t agree with you and try to suggest why it maybe not appropriate long term or how and why his gf might feel this way you dismissed hem as being bitter. If you post asking for advice you have to accept not everyone will agree with you.

The only thing I feel ‘smug’ about is not living in crippling fear of my boyfriend’s exes

I would be very suspect at my ex dropping his usually very understanding gf of one year, like a ton of bricks, to spend Mother’s Day with me!

Op

Why do you keep banging on about 'insecure' this 'insecure' that??

It's a strange word to keep banding around for one so 'secure'

Just find this an odd read TBH

If the OP had said ex can't have contact unless he meets them at place x.
And he cannot bring his gf then she is being completely unreasonable.

If ex had said it's my contact day but if you would like to meet us at place x as it is mothers day that would be great.

And ex had told his gf that she couldn't come, then that's his choice and no fault can lie with the op.

But it depends how this contact was arranged and who said the gf could not come.

I still don’t understand why people feel it’s either “ we spend mother’s day together” or “we hate each other and can’t be in the same room”. There’s lots of ways between those extremes to be civil and separate. And I genuinely think it will be harder when the ex moves on properly and has another family and a then 5 year old child asks why daddy is now spending time with his new family, rather than him

Tatiana as I’ve answered several times already it was his normal contact day, please RTFT

I’ve read them, it doesn’t answer the question.

Either he does a normal contact day and you celebrate mother’s Day around the contact or on another day if necessary; or you rearrange the contact day.

I wouldn't be happy. I think that your assertion that it is for your DD's benefit is rubbish as she is only two and you split up before she was born. She won't even know what mother's day is and certainly will have no expectations regarding what should happen between her parents. As long as you are polite and friendly to each other why on earth do you need to go out for a meal together. There's no law that states you have to go out with your mother on mother's day (I specifically avoid restaurants on that day and go out with DDs on another).
I also question your motives and have no axe to grind about exes (been with DH for nearly 30 years).

But Im also waving the massively insecure banner, it turns out!

Or category 3 - confident in their own parenting abilities and relationships, with no need to try to mimic a family environment that doesn't exist. And in your DS's life, has never really existed.

She was! She should have been celebrating finding a man who was able to have a nice relationship with the mother of his child despite no longer being together.

My best friend has a wonderful relationship with her husband's ex wife....they regularly get together with all their children....they work out finances as a group....that's how it should be.

@TheFirstMrsDV

Reading your responses makes me think you are loving this and are incredibly smug about the whole situation.

I think your motives for this thread are suspect.

Completely with you here.

The OP is loving the drama she is causing. Probably her that made sure her ex's girlfriend knew about it all. Probably sent him a text later saying, 'lovely time we had hun, mwahhh xxxxxxx.' in the hope the girlfriend would see it.

And calling people bitter, and mocking them because they don't agree with her, says more about her tbh.

@VivaKondo

IMO the one that acted badly in there is your ex that kept his gf down big way.

I would also not expect any arrangement like this to continue even in the medium term. At some point, partners (yours and his) will have to be involved. And you will have to stop playing happy families with your ex.

Agree with this.

If the OP's partner is happy to go along with her shenanigans, his girlfriend (now ex!) is well rid of him.

@marlinf

I think it’s clear that people fall into one of two categories. Those that are secure and willing to put the children’s happiness first and not have a problem with exes spending any time together.

And those who are insecure, see exes as a threat, and think that own insecurities should trump children’s happiness. Good luck to you all

Words fail me. You really believe all this don't you?

Sounds like you and your selfish arse of an ex deserve each other. Just get back together. Then no-one has to tolerate any shit from either one of you. Just you two!

Marthas because insecure people keep on banging on about this and that

Seriously, on one hand I feel a bit sorry for them and on the other a bit depressed as I hope noone like this is involved in my son’s life - it seems like there’s a few of you about

Thank goodness some people can cope with the idea of two exes spending time together without there being some ulterior motive, and it being, you know, for the actual good of the child.

Milk two sugars thanks - absolutely spot on there! You should be triumphant

Oh dear redandsilver our happy lunch has really annoyed you hasn’t it?

But it's perfectly fine to put romantic relationships lower down the priority list than your DC and your co-parenting set-up. The point is that romantic partners are replaceable. There's way too much trouble caused by people buying into the idea that a couple-relationship is the most important you can have (not least people staying in relationships with losers and shitbags because they don't want to be single, or have been convinced that couplehood needs 'work' rather than just binning the unsatisfactory partner and moving on.)

One of the biggest factors in my family set up being as comfortable as it is, is that neither DS dad nor I are interested in couplehood and neither of us is going to acquire a 'soulmate' and disrupt everything. We have both had a few dates with other people over the years (our DS is 13) but those have just been a bit of fun.

I’m apparently in the insecure camp to even though I’ve been married 4years 😂

I don’t think dancingmonkey sounds bitter just because she doesn’t agree with you!

your going round calling anyone bitter who disagrees with you and try and gives you a different POV.

😂 There's 'having a different point of view', and then there's this:

'I can see you going to be one of those nightmare ex’s the stepmothers talk about on the step parenting board over lack of boundaries'

Definitely sounds more at the bitter end of the spectrum & less at the 'simply disagreeing' end imo.

'Marthas because insecure people keep on banging on about this and that '

Oh dear

I rest my case

Why didn't you invite her along too? Serious question. If it's about what best for your son and not you then surely having all the adults in his life getting on is the best thing.

Op can you answer my question.