Giving my ex an ultimatum about mother’s day

[marlinf]

My ex and I have a two year old ds, but split up before he was born. Things were acrimonious for quite a while but we are on really good terms now which I’m so happy and relieved about for ds’s sake.

Ex has a girlfriend of less than a year. He and I arranged to have lunch together yesterday for mother’s day with ds (he would have seen him anyway that day, we sometimes spend time together, sometimes he spends time with ds on his own)

Apparently when ex told his gf we were having mother’s day lunch together she went mad and told him that if he went ahead she would break up with him. He went ahead anyway. She said it was inappropriate and that if anything she should have been invited too. I’ve never met her and from what ex has says in the past she is a bit jealous of me, so while I have no objection in theory to her coming along I feel like it would have been awkward and detracted from the three of us having a relaxed time.

So now she has broken up with him and I’m wondering, was she BU or were we?

I'd like to congratulate the now Ex-girlfriend for getting far, far away from not only the Ex-boyfriend but also from the OP.

I find a lot of the comments quite interesting because my ex and I do a lot of stuff together with our young children. I think some people are giving the OP a hard time because the set up isn’t the norm and that’s unfair. There are lots of ways to co parent successfully, this can be one way. I don’t see how it is confusing or bad for a young child to spend time with both their parents together. It’s working very well in my situation. And my children are very happy (also my ex and I are not at all interested in each other anymore). But I can also see how this set up doesn’t work for everyone. There’s not a one size fits all answer to co parenting.

The op and her ex are entitled to co parent as they like, the gf also can decide that that situation doesn’t work for her, and better for her to be up front about it. And while it was nice of the ex to share his contact time with the op on Mothers day, it was unfair to bring all that drama to the lunch and to betray his gfs confidence by telling the op everything that was going on in his relationship. (Personally I think the girlfriend dodged a bullet).

I can see both sides but I think she’s overreacted massively and you aren’t BU OP. It’s nice for your DS that you do stuff together but from the GF point of view, if she’s insecure then it’s best the relationship is finished. Some women can’t tolerate an ex. Best she finds somebody who puts her first. Less stress all round.

@TwiceAsNice22 I think people are reacting badly because of the OP's goady style, saying other posters sound insecure and jealous. She seemed to be getting a kick out of winding them up.

Lizzie48 I agree with you regarding the OP’s comments. I don’t think people are insecure or jealous just because they don’t co parent this way. But there were also some comments saying it’s weird and confusing to your children to co parent this way. I think those comments were unfair.

I agree with you there, some posters were unnecessarily antagonistic IMO. And I can't imagine it being confusing to the child in this scenario because she never experienced her parents being together.

I think the OP was enjoying the drama too much, that's what was irritating for me.

My parents had a long time of not talking and if they communicated it was through a solicitor, after that it was fighting and now FINALLY they can handle important things (For example the official school celebration for my A-Levels) amicably and show up together, sit on a table together and so on. I vividly remember my first day of secondary school. Dad was there but mum ignored me and just dragged me away, so what you are doing is best for your DS and one day he will be really grateful for having parents who maybe weren't a couple anymore but still worked together as a team. I think his new girlfriend should respect that, as much as I resent my Dstepmum, I am glad and thankful that she never tried to interfere with my parents when they finally got their act together

There is a big gap between being amicable and not ignoring each other when in the same place and going out for meals together for Mother's day. Mother's day is a celebration for the mother rather than the child and unless the children are older and have a tradition/expectation of everyone going out together I can't see how having a meal together benefits the children in any way, particularly in this case when the child isn't old enough to know what Mother's day is and the parents have never been together in that child's lifetime. My guess is that the girlfriend thought the same thing and that is why she was so angry about it.

It's also a dumbfuck assumption that co-parents have to 'move on' in the sense of entering into another couple-relationship. Not everyone wants a longterm partner, and certainly not a serious one, when they have DC with someone else. That's not a sign of 'not over your XP', it's just as likely to be a sign that you are sorted enough to be happily single, rather than one of those losers who can't cope without having a partner.

It's also a dumbfuck assumption that co-parents have to 'move on' in the sense of entering into another couple-relationship.

People don't have to move on if they don't want to, and that would be a silly assumption to make, but it would be equally wrong to stop the other parent from moving on if that was what they chose to do.

The way the OP has come across to some posters on this thread is that she has taken a certain sense of satisfaction from the fact that her chosen set up has ended her ex's relationship. That's what is wrong with the situation.

I think it’s great that you have a co-parenting arrangement that works well for the benefit of your son.
I get the feeling though this might have been the ‘ straw that broke the camels back’ as far as the gf or ex gf was concerned.
I don’t think it sounds like she is integrated into your ex partners life and may feel set aside and a third wheel. Perhaps there’s more he could have done to make her feel part of his life, so she didn’t take jealous swipes at time spent with you/ your child.
When push comes to shove though, that’s his problem. As long as it doesn’t affect your son, It’s no business of yours.

Is it actually co-parenting? Co-parenting is sharing equal responsibility for the child’s upbringing. Not just going out for a meal together!

Catinthebath
I completely disagree, me and my ex have a very turbulent relationship at times, however our children are still young therefore they can't do certain things, but when it comes to special occasions both of us step in and do something for the other parent.

Last year on father's day our dcs wanted to do him a picnic, so I arranged all of that and we celebrated together.
On his birthday I took him to the cinema and for something to eat along with our children and he returns the favour, he also has a gf of over 5 years.

We didn't work as a family unit being together, but I think it shows respect for each other and it shows our children that we can get along and did once love each other.

So if anyone has a problem with it, then that's their problem not ours, our children always come first.

I dont think she was being unreasonable, I think its strange he is also confiding in you so much about his relationship as that has nothing to do with co parenting and I can see why she didnt like that.

Pain it’s great that you have found a way that works for your family, I’m divorced with a son so do understand how tricky it can be. I have though seen a couple of instances where an ongoing social arrangement between the divorced couple has created tension in new relationships or held one party back from forming a new relationship. I used to do shared birthday parties for my lad with his dad but he’s 15 no so we don’t need to keep that up any longer. I do believe sharing in Mother’s Day at the expense of the new partner is odd, for all the reason pp’s have said. That benefitted the mother, not the child

Catinthebath I do see and understand where you and pp are coming from and of course what works for us now may not work in the future.
In the situation re mothers day of course it's benefiting the mother, which I don't see as being odd.