Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving my ex an ultimatum about mother’s day

241 replies

marlinf · 12/03/2018 07:38

My ex and I have a two year old ds, but split up before he was born. Things were acrimonious for quite a while but we are on really good terms now which I’m so happy and relieved about for ds’s sake.

Ex has a girlfriend of less than a year. He and I arranged to have lunch together yesterday for mother’s day with ds (he would have seen him anyway that day, we sometimes spend time together, sometimes he spends time with ds on his own)

Apparently when ex told his gf we were having mother’s day lunch together she went mad and told him that if he went ahead she would break up with him. He went ahead anyway. She said it was inappropriate and that if anything she should have been invited too. I’ve never met her and from what ex has says in the past she is a bit jealous of me, so while I have no objection in theory to her coming along I feel like it would have been awkward and detracted from the three of us having a relaxed time.

So now she has broken up with him and I’m wondering, was she BU or were we?

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 12/03/2018 08:39

Most people who have been in the same situation as myself don’t go out on family members together on Mother’s Day when they split up, especially when they have new partners. As I said what happens if your ex has his own family and remarries?

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:41

tinkergirl my exes mother died years ago sadly, I’m sure he would have preferred to spend the day with her

dancingmonkey I didn’t answer the question before because it’s a silly question. Obviously we’ll cross that bridge if and when we come to it, and be mindful of what’s best for any dc as far as possible

OP posts:
VivaKondo · 12/03/2018 08:41

It’s great that your ex is involved in his son life.
Your ds is still small so it makes sense that you are more involved in their relationship.
However, I can see why the girlfriend would be miffed at the idea of both of you regularly spending time together, ‘because your ds’ playing happy families.
And even more so, if he wants to spend time with you without her.

If you look at relationship thread, the answer to that sort of behaviour would be a clear ‘he is still into her. Are you sure they are not having an affair??’
Being friendly doesn’t mean spending a lot of time together. And certainly not EXCLUDING the bf or gf.

JackOConnellisstarredup · 12/03/2018 08:43

Your OP says sometimes your ex sees DS on his own and sometimes you're with him. How much time do you spend as a family together? That might have bearing on why she dumped him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/03/2018 08:43

I would have thought so! I spent yesterday helping out in our local pub - Sunday Lunch a Speciality!

It was packed and there were a few tables with people I know are divorced/separated, having an amicable meal with their kids. The back room had both sides of a separated family, ex MILS!!!!!! It may also have been someones big birthday.

I'm not stupid, overly idealistic, it won't work for everyone, but the MN trope for this strikes me as self defeating clap trap.

Branleuse · 12/03/2018 08:43

i think its weird that you were playing families with your ex and im not surprised she wasnt ok with it.

I cant imagine going for mothers day lunch with my ex husband.

On mothers day I would go for lunch with my children or my mum or both, and possibly my partner, but not my ex. That sort of thing generally stops when you end a relationship, particularly if youre in a new relationship.
Im not saying that it never happens and some people are fine with this sort of thing, but I hardly think shes unreasonable or unusual

C8H10N4O2 · 12/03/2018 08:43

I know no one that does this tbh in RL and most people would have a problem with it

Honestly? I've known many parents who manage a civilised get together at times which are meaningful to their children. Why would anyone have a problem with that?

What happens in the future is irrelevant - there are no other children to consider at the moment.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:44

he is still into her, are you sure they are not having an affair??

It must be awful to be that insecure!

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 12/03/2018 08:45

dancingmonkey I didn’t answer the question before because it’s a silly question. Obviously we’ll cross that bridge if and when we come to it, and be mindful of what’s best for any dc as far as possible

But it’s not a silly question is it really it’s a realistic possibility that he will settle down and have dc. You seem very defensive about this which makes me think you have some unsolved feelings.

Tinkergirl1970 · 12/03/2018 08:45

So would you both spend Christmas Day together, leaving your other partners to their own devices? For me it would be clear that child related celebrations i.e. birthdays/ nativity/ sports days would shared in a civil way but that Christmas/Mother’s Days etc wouldn’t be all together but split in a different way to allow new partnerships and families

Believeitornot · 12/03/2018 08:47

Why play happy families when you aren’t?

VivaKondo · 12/03/2018 08:47

The issue with Mother’s Day is that it’s a family day, a day for people who are really close to each other. It’s a day about, aka it was a day all about you, rather than about your ds.

Your ex has lost his mum. He has (had?) a girlfriend. Why did he not spend that day with his girlfriend and her mum?
Instead he chose to spend it with YOU, which is clearly sending the signal that he somehow still sees you as part of his family. Except you’re not. His ds is.
I think it’s totally normal to spend a day together for b’days for example. It’s even ok to spend days out together etc...
but mother’s day, I can see why someone would get upset about it.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:49

It’s clear there are many insecure people from the replies, that feel their feelings should come before the happiness of the dc

I hope that the circumstances of the end of this last relationship, and the decision my ex made bodes well for him choosing a secure woman for his next girlfriend

OP posts:
Minestheoneinthegreen · 12/03/2018 08:50

I think it is weird that you want lunch with your ex on mother's day. However, from the tone of your responses I'm guessing you aren't over him/want him back/want to piss the gf off, so clearly you won't think it's weird.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:51

I genuinely feel sorry for how fearful/insecure a lot of you are. It must be awful to think your partner is so susceptible to his ex! But I feel more sorry for any dc who come second to that

OP posts:
Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:52

I’m happy and secure with my bf, I’m sorry that seems to have annoyed some people who think I must want my ex back just because we had lunch together Grin

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 12/03/2018 08:52

It’s clear there are many insecure people from the replies, that feel their feelings should come before the happiness of the dc

It’s not for the happiness of your child. Don’t dress it up for something it’s not. You asked opinions and you don’t like the ones that don’t agree with you.

I can see you going to be one of those nightmare ex’s the stepmothers talk about on the step parenting board over lack of boundaries and I’m speaking as a mother myself who is no longer with her first ds father.

VivaKondo · 12/03/2018 08:53

he is still into her, are you sure they are not having an affair??

It must be awful to be that insecure!

Actually plenty of women have been burnt like this. Told that the guy was separated, only seeing the ex because the dcs etc... all that to learn several months done the line that said guy actually was stringing both women along p, was having sex with both if them and actually had never quite separated from said ex.
You have no idea if she hasn’t been in the receiving end of such behaviour. Or someone close to her.

I would really advise you to read relationship threads to see that the arrangement with your ex is unusual and that it would send alarm bells ringing for a lot of women.

The fact he still chose to spend the day with you when she to,d him in no uncertain terms it was a deal breaker for her also says a lot of how important his relationship with her was, compare to te one with you.
Remember, he choose you over her in this instance. He didn’t chose his ds as Mother’s Day is not about the children but about the mother.
That’s a pretty big message he sent there....

Tinkergirl1970 · 12/03/2018 08:53

I don’t think it’s insecurity, my kids would have found it harder to carry on doing “ family lunches” as they would have cried and said why can’t you live with dad, you were ok at lunch! So in my circumstances, it was better they had that separation but also knew we could sit together at school plays etc

LeighaJ · 12/03/2018 08:54

I think it's odd to have lunch with your ex too, even if you have a child together. I could only see spending time with your ex not being weird if it was for Christmas day for your son and both your partner's were there.

His now ex-girlfriend will probably be happier in a relationship where she and her feelings are also a priority.

Stuff like this is why when I was single I wouldn't date anyone with kids either or who was too close to an ex for some other reason.

Original poster
marlinf · 12/03/2018 08:54

dancingmonkey with every post more and more of your bitterness is revealing itself. Other people happiness annoys you doesn’t it?

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 12/03/2018 08:55

It is perfectly possible to have a mature, sensible, respectful co-parenting set-up with an ex, without doing family days out together. That is the bit that I do find a little odd to be honest.

It will be far more difficult in future if relationships become more serious, possibly other children come along and suddenly your DS has to deal with not being the only priority.

I'm not saying you're wrong OP, but I do think you need to look very very carefully at your reasons for doing this and be honest within yourself. There is something in your posts that comes across as being a little... well... triumphant about the outcome, but I appreciate that this may not be intentional.

If you are honest with yourself you will find it easier to deal with the inevitable changes when your ex does meet someone he wants to prioritise.

Tinkergirl1970 · 12/03/2018 08:56

I don’t think dancingmonkey sounds bitter just because she doesn’t agree with you! Lots of people do things differently and people are trying to explain an alternative point of view

TatianaLarina · 12/03/2018 08:56

I don’t have an ex, but if I did I wouldn’t spend mother’s day with him, how odd! It’s a day for you to spend with your son. Why would your ex even be involved?

MarthasGinYard · 12/03/2018 08:57

'she was texting him throughout the meal, and he was upset and told me'

So not really a happy relaxed meal out with Ds for any of you.