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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
orphanblack · 10/03/2018 06:31

Your mum was trying to do a nice thing......the shopping could have waited for 5 mins. Afterall she was looking after your child. Maybe she feels taken for granted. I would make amends over something trivial. Others might not agree with me.

newdaylight · 10/03/2018 06:31

She sounds a tad unhinged
Yanbu
she should have thought on her feet and worked out a different way of doing what she wanted to do.

TERFragetteCity · 10/03/2018 06:32

What a complete over-reaction on her part. I would probably turn your phone off for the weekend and get some quiet time. Are they always like this?

TeddyIsaHe · 10/03/2018 06:32

I would have gone in, 5 minutes with your mum is more important than shopping surely? She’s looking after your daughter and wanted to give you a mother’s day gift, so yeah YABU.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:33

If she had told me it was a surprise or something then I would have gone in. But she didn't.

It went from ' come I'm to ' use your bloody common sense to ' selfish cow ' in about 45 seconds.

OP posts:
speakout · 10/03/2018 06:35

Why didn't you go in though?
After the second request you must have realised there was a reason she wanted to see you.
I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong. This certainly escalated the situation.

Sorry OP but there seems to be fault all round here.
Seems quite a toxic flavour to your family interactions.

C0untDucku1a · 10/03/2018 06:35

God she sounds just like my mum. Has to make everything about her. Your mum couldnt send your dd to the car with the flowers and let your dd get the flowers reaction. She wanted it. She didnt do it for dd and you she did it for herself. Yanbu.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:36

At that point I was seeing her on mother's day. I didn't know she was going to give me flowers, it's 3 days early!

I couldn't really afford to miss the food shop as I don't have money to go and 're buy it all and would have nothing for the weekend.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 10/03/2018 06:36

Your mum helps you out by childminding after school for you -for free I presume? - and when she asks if you could pop in for a minute while collecting your DD you refuse to do this tiny little thing for her?

I'm incredulous that you even have to ask whether you are being unreasonable. Yes you are

ShiningWhit · 10/03/2018 06:37

Is your dad around to make peace quickly. These things escalate quickly and rather than let it go on and grow at these things often do - it may be better to ask for help to sort it out.
I don't think the flower hand over is the reason for her going up like a bottle of pop.
Does she feel taken advantage of or have another issue in her life and you are just the one who got her wrath ?

Aridane · 10/03/2018 06:37

I agree with orphanblack. Mother’s Day seems bring out the worst in daughters on mumsnet

ScreamingLevitation · 10/03/2018 06:37

Your DM is being unreasonable (how the hell were you supposed to know it was about mother's Day, two days before mother's Day, when you were seeing them on mother's Day anyway...) BUT she's your mum and she's as upset as you are, so UNLESS there is a big back story (sounds like there might be) then calm her down, tell her you love her and the flowers were a lovely thought, it was a daft misunderstanding, of course you'll be there on Sunday.

Depends on the back story though.

ivykaty44 · 10/03/2018 06:38

Why do people make life complicated, your mother sounds difficult and self absorbed

Send a card and flowers and get on with your own weekend

DeathStare · 10/03/2018 06:39

If she had told me it was a surprise or something then I would have gone in

So if you'd have realised it was something for you, you'd have gone in. When you thought it was doing something for your mum you wouldn't. Lovely.

ScreamingLevitation · 10/03/2018 06:40

I think it's sad you couldn't make two minutes for your DM. If mine said she really wanted to see me for a few minutes I'd worry there was something wrong and want to know what was up.

Your DM is going to be gutted that her daughter refused to see her on Mother's Day, of all days.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:40

I didn't go in because I had had a text from the food shopping to say it was on its way. I can't afford to miss it.

Last week it was early and sitting outside my house when I got home. Because I was parked so far away I was already later than the time last week.

I was asking her if there was something up as I was trying to offer support or something whike I was walking to my car. Quite often she will say to go in and I get a big long chat about people I don't know and something that has happened to them. I didn't have time for that so was trying to help over the phone.

OP posts:
speakout · 10/03/2018 06:41

OP *I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross *

You suggest that your Mum got cross in 45 seconds, but that was only after your repeated refusals.
A sensible conversation would have been:

OP I'm here - can you send out DD.

Mum - Can you come in a minute?

OP- I'm in a bit of a hurry - is it important?

Mum A little, it will only take a second.

OP- OK

Sorry OP I think you were BU.

speakout · 10/03/2018 06:43

*Your mum helps you out by childminding after school for you -for free I presume? - and when she asks if you could pop in for a minute while collecting your DD you refuse to do this tiny little thing for her?

I'm incredulous that you even have to ask whether you are being unreasonable. Yes you are*

Totally agree.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 10/03/2018 06:43

YABU; it wouldn’t have taken more than five minutes for you to nip in and see what she wanted (in this case, receive thre flowers).

You probably spent longer arguing the toss about not going in than going in would have taken. You escalated the situation leading to her feeling taken for granted because you wouldn’t even come in for a few minutes when she asked.

You expect her to do you a massive favour looking after your child but then won’t even do her the courtesy of nipping in to collect said child.

And then making things so much worse by cancelling your invite? So your mum attempts to something lovely for you for your Mother’s Day, gets it thrown back in her face, and then you go and cancel her Mother’s Day too.

I can absolutely see why she’s upset, OP. You have behaved appallingly here.

NoIdeaWhatToSay · 10/03/2018 06:45

Your mum has overreacted but it sounds as if this has been building for a while. Do you usually just wait outside for DD? Because that's rude, she's your mum and you should begrudge her a few minutes. I think it was because you'd put your food shopping delivery before her that made her feel unappreciated, and rightly so. You knew DD would be going there after school, you almost missed it the week before so it didn't make sense to then do it again.

Unless there's a huge backstory here you should be begrudging going in to see your mother when you pick up DD. Apologise, stop making her feel as if you don't appreciate her.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:45

So what should I have done if I missed my food shopping and didn't have anything to feed dd and I with?

I don't have any more money to get anything else.

I've stopped other days in the week but just couldn't stop yesterday due to the food shopping coming early.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 10/03/2018 06:46

Echoing others. YABU. And ungracious.

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 06:47

YABU. Food was booked for 5 so they sould have waited until then for you, if it was sitting unattended at your house last week you should have complained then. You were going to pick up DD anyway, don't understand why you were so rude as to sit outside arguing on the phone when it would only have taken a few minutes to pop in. Most ppl like to see others enjoy receiving gifts they have arranged and bought. That doesn't make DM selfish at all.

NoIdeaWhatToSay · 10/03/2018 06:47

Your update makes you sound worse, your poor mum just wants to share some of her day with you and you can't even afford her that! Just because you don't know the people she's talking about? It's not even about that is it? You're so selfish.

NotTakenUsername · 10/03/2018 06:47

But the food delivery arguement falls down because you would have gone in to collect a surprise.