Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

Don't try and make sense in what they are saying. There is no sense. No matter what you will always be wrong. Ignore them, step away, read some of the solid advice on this thread, post in a more supportive area. Do all those things but do not listen to them, engage with them, or think about them.

PS Was your NC sister definitely violent or is this the story as reported by your mother?

There were posts on here from people saying ywbu because their mothers had died and those posters were rightly told they were being unreasonable and manipulative.

Your mum and sd have a vested interest in making you feel bad, to control you.

You need to find a good counsellor for yourself OP and your dd too maybe. Maybe try tk imaginr treating your dd this way, would it be right?

You were nc for a reason, you said she sucked you back when you were vulnerable...dont you think maybe revisit why you went nc and how she played on your vulnerabilities?

I think maybe that was my fault or if I had handled her differently it wouldn't have come to that.

So she called and asked me if I enjoyed it. I said it had been ok. I then got told I was un grateful and rude etc etc. And it went on from there.

If I had said no it was lovely then it wouldn't have escalated.

So perhaps the fault is mine.

The only fault woukd be to keep repeating this and not set boundries.

You are being abused OP. Most abuse victims feel they deserved it, thats what their abusers use

Gah can't believe the amount of peope saying your mother is unhinged etc. To be fair I think both of you could have handled the situation better and it is probably not just about this one instance sounds like there is other issues going on. She wanted to suprise you and you didn't realise etc If you have a delivery slot for 5pm and they are early they will sit and wait for you so I do think that your excuse wasn't the best in this instance.

I don't normally comment on other peoples opinions but yours @PilatesSuck is a load of absolute rubbish!!! Dear GOD!!!!

No the fault wasn't yours.
You could perhaps have been a bit more diplomatic and focused on one small thing as a positive and avoided saying anything about the negative, but nothing you could have said should have resulted in the torrent of abuse you got. Their reaction was totally unreasonable. They wanted you to forget everything that had gone on before, which was an unreasonable demand in the first place. How can they behave as they did and expect no repercussions or hurt feelings from you? An "ok" was more than they deserved. And they were unreasonable asking you that question in the first place.

titan have you even considered reading the thread???

titan - shut up and op please don't engage.
I bet your instinct is to listen, maybe defend and justify yourself and you will internalize her words which will sepercede all the other reasonable people on here saying the opposite, because she is validating what you have been conditioned to feel. She's wrong- as is your mother/family.
Don't engage with titan. Step back, and just don't engage.

quid your DM was spoiling for a fight. Nothing you said would have been right. Also you are completely entitled to your opinions which may differ. You said it was ok. You didn't say it was horrendous. Not being enthused about something is no grounds to have abuse thrown at you.

@Titaniumpins did you not think the thread might have moved on a touch from last week? Your comments are hugely inappropriate given recent developments, not to mention missing the point hugely in the first place.

@Quiddichcup very nasty, that your DM rang you. She knew exactly what she was doing, and that was to punish you. You clearly coped a bit too well at lunch.

I know you said you didn't want to go NC, and I understand that - sometimes I think it takes up more mental energy to block people than it does to ensure them somewhat - but I'm not sure you're ever going to be allowed to 'win' here.

*endure, not ensure

I've clearly missed something but it must be buried deep in the thread tried to flick back there are too many pages.

I thought we were talking about a family misunderstanding gone bad then we are on to counselling and abuse.

So apologies @PilatesSuck jumped the gun there.

I played the game with my parents for a long time. I always thought it was me who was deficient, me who could have done something better, that I must be a selfish and horrible person.

This year the veil lifted and I realised that I would never be right, there was a game I could never win. It came in a few instances involving hospitalisation of dh, then DD and finally DM. In the first two I was under constant bombardment from my DPs about how I was doing everything wrong, how I needed to think about them (yes, them. Not dh or DD), that I was neglecting someone (the DC or dh because I couldn't be in two places at once FFS) which showed I was mean, and finally out of nowhere being a sahm meant I was a lazy bitch. When DM went in, it was bombardment from df alone but along similar lines.

The end of summer had them nearly break me. When I realised I'd never have their approval it didn't take long to realise I didn't need it. From there it became a lot easier to disengage.

Were not NC, but very LC and I don't go out of my way to speak to them if I can humanly avoid it. Dh has mainly dealt with them recently and he won't take it from them. Since that time we've had a few illnesses in the family and we've not told them. It's been bliss being able to concentrate on the person in actual need.

No one really talked to you, hardly talked to your dd. And your “darling” called you just to ask if you enjoyed yourself. . She did this to hook you in. She then manufactured an argument to paint you as the unreasonable one. To make out that the fault is yours. This is another tactic to put you back in the box.

This is a short explanation about emotional vampirism that ThumbWitches was talking about. My mother has all of the 5 characteristics. How many does yours have? www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/the-5-types-emotional-vampires-in-your-life

That should say darling mum.

I've clearly missed something but it must be buried deep in the thread tried to flick back there are too many pages.

I thought we were talking about a family misunderstanding gone bad then we are on to counselling and abuse.

FFS. Again.

It's really not you OP. I hope today hasn't ramped things up, but fear it probably has. As you are pushing the lid off your box they are trying to stuff you back into it and their efforts will become more extreme and desperate until they realise the box is irrevocably broken and you can't be put back in there.

Titan - a thread like this clearly gets this long for a reason...?

Quiddichcup So sorry to read your updates from the aftermath of Mother’s Day. I can relate to how you try and keep the peace and yet can’t do right for doing (supposed) wrong. Please don’t question yourself, you did the right thing and rationally you know it’s just your mum making sure to get a rise another way having not got one in person earlier. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like fuck, but you couldn’t have done anything to avoid it.

I hope today at work hasn’t been utterly hideous. Start the countdown for lovely Easter with DD and disengage as much as you can with everyone else. It must be exhausting.

Yabu.

My mum has never called me a name!

Myheartbelongsto.

Que?

Why do people see a thread with over 500 and responses and then decide to jump right in with their totally unconsidered and erroneous judgement?

Why would you want to demonstrate your ignorance and lack of comprehension skills?