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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
Nottheduchessofcambridge · 10/03/2018 07:48

Why should you apologise? For being rude of course. She asked you for minutes of your time, there’s no way id pick my children up from my DMs without popping my head in. It’s called courtesy. I definitely would go in if I’d been asked to. I’ve been there, after work, tired, hungry but I love my mum and would never want her to think I’m taking her for granted.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 10/03/2018 07:49

Leave her to cool down. The surprise wasn't about your DD, it was about her and you ruined it. If it was for your DD, then what was wrong with sending DD out with them? Nothing, except she wouldn't get the adoration of it real time.

Arguing between yourselves is one thing, but the moment she took that out on your DD she crossed a line. I feel sorry for your DD, she didn't deserve that.

Chocolatecake12 · 10/03/2018 07:50

What’s happened has happened. You need to decide how to proceed from here.
A text to say ‘sorry about yesterday, I understand you’re upset. I think it’s best as you suggested and I don’t contact you until things have settled down.’
Then turn your phone off and concentrate on your dd.
Is your dm usually this controlling? You said last year Mother’s Day was ruined because of a row with your sister. Was that over a similar small argument that escalated?
Have a nice mother’s day with your dd.

blueskypink · 10/03/2018 07:50

I know people like to nit pick over every word on AIBU but honestly, this is beyond ridiculous. How the OP's shopping is delivered really isn't the main point is it?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 07:51

😂 I'd be dead a long time before mum ever said sorry about anything.

It's a bit of a family joke that she is never wrong and will never say sorry.

Why am I not acting with maturity? I'm trying to avoid the total mess that was last yesrs mothers day and the family still have the fall out from. To go on Sunday and to create an anmosphere would be awful for the other family there and in no way would mum be behaving normally. She would be clipped and snide remarks.

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 10/03/2018 07:51

Everyone, Yes you are

Not everyone has said that. Her mother was totally out of order.

Lovesagin · 10/03/2018 07:52

Both of you need to grow up and apologise to each other and your dd, no wonder your mum isn't interested in building bridges if you're handling it how you're responding on here "but but but it wasn't me" Hmm

You sound like hard work, cancelling Sunday? Yes that'll learn her and ensure the focus is on you and why you're not there.

Either try and sort it properly, not as you are coming across on here, or don't. That's the only option you have really.

TERFragetteCity · 10/03/2018 07:52

I'm trying to avoid the total mess that was last yesrs mothers day and the family still have the fall out from. To go on Sunday and to create an anmosphere would be awful for the other family there and in no way would mum be behaving normally. She would be clipped and snide remarks.

Do you think she generates these situations on purpose?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 07:52

The food shopping van was sat outside my house last week.

Not the actual shopping was on my doorstep.

OP posts:
TheFifthKey · 10/03/2018 07:53

Everyone doesn’t think OP IBU though.

Queenofwands · 10/03/2018 07:54

This could be your last Mother's Day with your Mum, there are no guarantees in life. Make sure you spend it with her. A petty argument was no excuse to cancel the day.... that was nasty.

Scrumymum · 10/03/2018 07:54

OMG ! The bloody food shopping. Seriously? It is up to the delivery driver if s/he's early, not your problem. They have to wait for you.
You are not going to not get your friggin shopping.

It doesn't matter that your mum didn't tell you what she wanted to talk to you about, the fact is she made a point of asking you to come into the house when you collected your DD. It could have been a surprise, it could have been to share some bad news with you and didn't want to tell you on the phone or on Mother's Day, it could have been for any reason.

If it isn't bad enough that you have upset your mum, you have taught your daughter that you would rather not see your own mother just to get your shopping WHICH WILL WAIT FOR YOU ANYWAY !! If history repeats itself with your dd in 20 years then you only have yourself to blame.

You need to get around to your mum's pronto, apologising. YABVU.

Lovesagin · 10/03/2018 07:54

Ahhhh the drip feed

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 07:56

I really don't want to put the other family through the drama of this on Sunday. It is not fair to them.

I don't want to put dd through it as her mother's day to me was also ruined.

Last years was awful. My mum goes up like a firework. As does my sister and it went too far. And my sister lost control and reacted violently and no one has seen her for a year.

I do not want to put dd in that situation again. It is not fair on her. So me pulling out Sunday is to try to protect her from that and to protect the other family too.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 10/03/2018 07:57

You've had a kicking for no reason here op.

Your mother has acted appallingly.

Did your secondary age child even want or need gran to take over her Mother's Day present to you ?

This is something my mother would do although I get the offended silence not the screaming if I don't toe the party line. It's very difficult for other people to understand emotional manipulation of their own parents aren't like that.

Why could your mother not walk dd to the car to see you if she knew you were short of time?

TheFifthKey · 10/03/2018 07:58

I’m a single parent, I work full time, I’m always tired, always rushing, always need to be somewhere for some particular time, and you know what? Other people understand that. They get it if I can’t chat at kids club pick up, or call them for leisurely conversations, or come out for drinks. Nobody shouts or screams or gets huffy at me, and I don’t do it to them either because we’ve all got stuff going on and I’d expect my own bloody mother to get it more than anyone else, not give me a massive fucking guilt trip about it which I then had to bend over backwards to put right. OP doesn’t have to justify every life decision she’s made about work and car parking and rain and shopping here - she’s tired and stressed and busy like we all are and her mum just piled more on instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt.

greenlavender · 10/03/2018 07:58

Well you wouldn't have missed your food shopping would you? You said that last week it was sat outside your house.

ArchchancellorsHat · 10/03/2018 08:00

Everyone, Yes you are

Not everyone has said that. I haven't, and lots of others haven't. The mum was completely OTT especially as she hadn't been expecting to see either of them that day.

Chocolaterainbows · 10/03/2018 08:00

I agree with some pp, really not sure why the op is getting a bashing here. Yes the op could gave popped in for a couple of minutes but she did explain why that would have been less than ideal. The mum overreacted big time. Now it has tainted mothers day which is sad.

TheFifthKey · 10/03/2018 08:00

Can we stop picking on the op about the shopping? I have had delivery drivers drive off without delivering because they came early and it did cause a lot of stress. It’s not at all in the slightest bit weird or wrong of her to feel concerned it might happen. Really it isn’t.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 08:03

Oh my goodness.

Last week the food shopping VAN ( for the posters who think this means bags of shopping) was outside my house when I got home. This was earlier than the time slot.

This week I got a text when I came out of work to say the food shopping VAN was on its way. Again, early.

I had a long walk to the car in the rain and then had to get dd and get home as I did not want to miss it. If I did miss it I would have hastle sorting it out and either no dinner till it turned up or a few days with no food till my refund came back.

OP posts:
Nottheduchessofcambridge · 10/03/2018 08:03

Looks like you’ve inherited the same “never wrong” attitude from your mum OP, I’m sure your DD will be saying the same thing about you in the future. You have both ruined mother’s day for your DD.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 10/03/2018 08:04

All this huge drama could have been avoided if you’d just popped in for five minutes as your DD asked, especially after you called and it became pretty clear that this wasn’t just to chat.

The food shopping is a bit of a red herring, actually - I think you’re using that as an excuse to make your behaviour sound a bit better now because you know you’ve been unreasonable. If the booked slot was 5 til 6, there’s no requirement for you to be there before 5 so you had time.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 10/03/2018 08:04

I think your mum sounds like a manipulative fuck tbh.

You had somewhere you needed to be, and didn't have time spare to indulge something unnecessary beforehand. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

For your mum to slam the door on your DD though and throw her toys out of the pram is fucking disgraceful. I'd happily oblige her demands to go nowhere near her and I'd block her from texting me too.

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 08:05

Last week the food shopping VAN ( for the posters who think this means bags of shopping) was outside my house when I got home. This was earlier than the time slot.
AND THEY WOULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL 5.