Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

Eh because they 'jumped right in ' and didn't notice the 500 responses obviously. Mistake made -mistake apologised for!

Did you also not notice that the Op was posted on Saturday?

Jeez its you that showing the lack of comprehension skills obviously not

Quiddichcup It's absolutely not you that's at fault.

You had a normal situation and an abnormal reaction from your mother.

And now you're in the fallout from it, and I know what that's like.

Long story short, there was one five week period when PILs were upset with us. We were all due to be travelling on the same day. PILs were travelling to Devon, we were travelling to Dorset. PILs like an early start and left at 8am. We weren't in a hurry and decided to set off at 1pm.

They were travelling from their house and we were travelling from ours.

PIL's found out we had set off later than they had and all hell broke loose. Apparently we had deliberately not told them we were leaving later, had they known they would have met us for breakfast, we had planned this just to upset them, we should have been more thoughtful, how dare we do this to them?

The upset from this went on all through Christmas and New Year and through two weeks where DH and I had Norovirus and we were really ill.

PILs were ringing and ringing and ringing to shout at DH and so we could both rest and have some peace I turned the ring volume down on the phone.

A couple of hours later DH commented that they must have calmed down and I said I'd turned the ring volume off.

We'd only been married about a year and half by then, I wasn't so far down the rabbit hole with regards to their behaviour, and DH wasn't so far along in his acceptance of how they are.

So he was in a total panic, said I'd made it worse because if they'd called and couldn't get through they would be even more upset and angry now.

He turned the volume up and the phone was ringing in his hand.

It was FIL, who kicked off, screamed that we were selfish, ungrateful, disowned, disgusting people, that MIL was in tears, that he was sick of our behaviour, that we must apologise, that we were terrible, awful, stupid, we were users, we were liars, and he and MIL deserved better.

So I know what you mean when you say it's bad when you answer the phone and worse when you don't.

It took about eight more years for us to go NC, and that wasn't the first or the last time we had phone calls like that. They were a frequent thing, and they are exhausting, and they are designed to grind you down so that you know your place for next time, doubt yourself, and tow the line.

I think you know that too.

The other thing is, people like your mother and my PILs are not consistent. I said before that it's like living under siege and that what you do right one day is an example of everything you do wrong the next. You can't please these people, because even if you do exactly what they want, they're not happy and they will find a way to convince you that you're getting it wrong.

You're a good person Quiddich , your DD alone sounds like proof of that. Don't let them make you think otherwise.

This is your mother's fault and the people around her are enabling her to make you feel like this because it's easier for them. It's easier for them to blame you than stand up to her. It's easier for them to think you're in the wrong because then they don't have to change anything.

But it's not you, and it's not your fault.

However if you want to start a new thread on just that subject then that would be better than on this thread.

Well, don't get arsey with me because your comprehension skills are so poor.

I'm getting arsey because you are directly telling me I have trouble understanding simple things. I realised my mistake after another OP pointed it out and then I apologised for said mistake we all make mistakes. The good news is I learn from my mistakes so you can be assured that it won't happen again. But as I said start a new thread on the topic if a simple mistake irks you so much. No point taking over this one when OP needs proper advice not a tit for tat. Of course I shall assume that you never make any mistakes what with your excellent comprehension skills.

If you had read the absolute vitriol and bile that was spewed at the OP in the first few pages of this thread, when she was feeling pretty low, then maybe you'd see where I was coming from.

I'm glad that you will learn from this. There's an actual person behind that OP and she's having a shit time.

I didn't direct my comment to the OP it was another poster I commented on. I am well aware there is a real person. As I hadn't read and or noticed the length of the thread I had mistakenly thought someone had gone typically OTT as can often happen on MN. Lets leave it there eh.

Thanks hygee I can totally understand that sort of situation. There have been many arguments of a similar nature this end.

And thank you to everyone who had contributed.

It's so hard and it's not always like this, there are lots of times when it's great and she's fine.

Another day and she would have been complaining about the meal or something someone said or how they were to her.
So I know it's because she wanted to get at me.

I've not spoken to her today and she hadn't called. I'm not going to call her either. I need a bit of space.

quid The silence is also a game you can't win. Call her and that will be the wrong move. Don't call and that's the wrong move. So if you want space, then take it and don't feel sorry about it. Enjoy the peace as much as you can.

It’s not you, it’s her/them.

Take a look at some of the information/resources pinned on the Stately Homes threads.

It's so hard and it's not always like this, there are lots of times when it's great and she's fine. Another day and she would have been complaining about the meal or something someone said or how they were to her.

My parents are like this and it is exhausting because you never know you’ve had a good day with them until you’ve got home knowing you got through without someone kicking off about something or other. You can’t enjoy it while it’s happening because you’re waiting for something to change so it’s only after the fact you can go ‘yeah that was ok’. Of course the difficulty being that the next time you get together because it went ok that time you know the odds are shorter that something is going to go wrong. It’s just depressing and exhausting and not good for anyone.

Space is definitely a plan.

I think that, even though the fall-out may be worse in the long run, you are definitely better off taking a break from all the drama with your mother at the moment.
Wait for her to call you.
If she doesn't, then you have a reprieve - so use it to strengthen your position, your feelings, your distance from her.
Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop - you'll waste the time you have that's free of her manipulative ways.

You are doing great. You really are. None of this is actually your fault, that is the FOG talking. And the family conditioning.

Keep yourself safe and, like I said, use this time to become stronger.

OP, I want to apologise as I said YABU right in the early stages of this thread. I was wrong and did not fully appreciate what I was reading.

I have just come back to this thread since reading it Saturday morning and just caught up on it all - and it is true what others are saying, you have an emotionally abusive family, but I think you know that and you are making steps to put space between you and them. Your brother included (I'm still reeling at him asking for money for the lunch he offered to put on for Mother's Day!!)

My best friend is in a very similar situation to yours. It is only in the last year she has seen the light and now every time she makes a move to do something on her own (they are very, very controlling, even at the age of 43!), they blow up at her, tell her she is selfish etc. She calls it "baby steps" making tiny moves away from them. If she makes any move bigger than it being barely noticeable, it's like she is the worse daughter in the world and all hell breaks loose. It's a slow process, but it's working.

You've had a shitty few days (on top of the many years) and I wanted to tell you that I am on your side and apologise profusely for making the wrong judgement back at the beginning of this thread. Good luck xx