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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
Minesril · 10/03/2018 07:25

Morrisons (i think) told us they arent allowed to deliver early. Once they were waiting outside for ten mins before ringing the doorbell Grin

However she does sound like hard work.

MargotLovedTom1 · 10/03/2018 07:25

hiding in the night garden is totally right. It has been decided you're NASTY! and SELFISH! by the moral majority so I'd give it up as a bad job. Hope it gets sorted out, and tomorrow goes without a hitch (if it goes at all).

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 10/03/2018 07:26

I hope you will try and make amends

OP won’t. She’s already twice ignored my question about what she’s going to do now and how she will resolve it.

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 10/03/2018 07:26

If your food shop is early they have to wait for you or redeliver - I'm not blaming you, just letting you know for next time!

It seems like this has really got out of hand over a small original issue. I really do think your mum has overreacted but from her point of view I can see how frustrating it must have been to keep asking you to come and keep being told no. It probably would only have taken you a minute, and she was probably excited because she had done a nice thing. I think you maybe overreacted a bit too by cancelling your invite for Sunday.

Can this not be sorted out with a bit of tact? I would text your mum and say something like 'I'm very sorry we have had a fight. It was really kind of you to organise the flowers from DD and I understand why you wanted me to come in. I'm sorry I didn't - I was trying to get home for my shopping but I understand it was important for you and I'm sorry I didn't come in. I don't think it was fair of you to call me selfish or to tell DD that I wasn't to phone you, as that was very upsetting. It's Mother's Day on sunday and I would really like to see you and have a nice day, so can we put this behind us?'

Hope it all works out OP

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 07:27

I'm sorry what happened happened but don't see the blame as mine. She didn't have to scream at me and hang up.

She's text me to stay away from her anyway so I don't really think she wants me around

The family thing on Sunday includes another family that havebt had a nice time recently and I would not like an atmosphere to be there for them. It wouldn't be fair.

I also don't know if it's setting a good example for dd that if you scream and shout and hang up on people you get your own way and her feelings don't matter.

OP posts:
DevilsDoorbell · 10/03/2018 07:28

Are some people seeing different posts to me?

Yanbu. You explained to your mum that you weren’t able to stay as you had to be somewhere, she’s the one who escalated it with an over reaction.

I think you’re right to stay away from her for a while to let things calm down.

I would call her today (don’t text, things can be too easily misinterpreted) to see how she is. If she’s still angry and ranting at you, calmly tell her that you are not having this conversation and you’ll speak to her later.

I certainly wouldn’t be apologising, you’ve done nothin wrong so any apology would be meaningless.

I agree with the other poster though, your original post has been rewritten for many and any comment you make will be pounced upon as yet more evidence of how unreasonable you are. Try to not let it get you down and enjoy your weekend

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 10/03/2018 07:29

Quite often she will say to go in and I get a big long chat about people I don't know and something that has happened to them. I didn't have time for that

So you couldn't be arsed listening to her boring chat is what you mean.

Shopping could have waited if they came outside the allotted time. Their fault, not yours.

Ywbu, but judging from your posts, there will be no changing your mind.

ArchchancellorsHat · 10/03/2018 07:30

YANBU OP. Leave her to calm down and focus on your DD instead. Your mother said don't call and to leave her alone so just do that.

shakeyourcaboose · 10/03/2018 07:31

YANBU op. It's quite usual to be in a rush after work. Your DM response is very over the top!

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 10/03/2018 07:31

Yeah, thought so OP.

Being so stubborn and refusing to apologise is such a great role model for your daughter. She’s old enough to be taking note of this so you’ve only got yourself to blame when she treats you so horribly in the future.

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 07:32

I also don't know if it's setting a good example for dd that if you scream and shout and hang up on people you get your own way and her feelings don't matter.
No, but not discussing it and perpetuating the bad feeling isn't a good example either. It doesn't teach her anything about conflict resolution, which is something young ppl find difficult at the best of times. Try discussing it and setting a good example.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 10/03/2018 07:34

Your DM was probably really excited to see your face when you had the flowers. I think YABU, the shopping would wait for you because you booked it at 5. They would not be allowed not to. Yes, your DM overreacted, possibly she’d had a crap day or possibly she was hurt that you couldn’t give her 5 minutes of your time. Now you are both too pig headed to apologise, which is going to make for a wonderful mother’s day. Well done both.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 07:35

To be honest, no. I didn't have time to listen to her chat about someone from years ago that I didn't know. No.

I can do that over the phone. But not in person . Not at the end of the day when I've been at work since 7am and am dripping wet from the rain.
And am shattered and still have to go home, sort the shopping and dinners and spend time with dd etc etc.

That does not make me a bad person. It just makes me a tired person trying to juggle lots of things and in a race. I had seen her only 2 days before and had plans to see her Sunday and talk to her several times a day. I make time but at that precise time I couldn't do it.

OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 10/03/2018 07:36

Regardless of the time she is there for or her age if someone is looking after/spending time with your child, surely it's common courtesy to pop your head in to say thanks and to ask how they are. Staying in your car and getting dd to run out to you is rude whatever the situation it smacks of you using her and I would get ripped a new one if i tried that with my own parent

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 07:37

Dd was scared as mum slammed the front door on her and could hear her screaming at me in the phone.

Why should I apolgise! That is not right.

OP posts:
MissBartlettsconscience · 10/03/2018 07:38

Op, your mother sounds really really hard work. Very like my late grandmother who would deliberately pick fights with people before big events so that either she'd be the centre of attention with people trying to appease her, or a martyr, ignored by her family.

Anyway, I think it's worth you sending a Mother's Day card of some sort and apologising for the misunderstanding. After that, leave it up to her.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 07:39

To be honest I was too furious to speak to her. I did try to sort it by text but I kept getting called names and then she told me to stay away.

So I'm not too sure that there is much I can do about it.

OP posts:
Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 07:42

Why should I apolgise! That is not right.
Nope, but I can understand her getting frustrated and upset when she had your dd round, planned a nice surprise for you, you kept ignoring her request on the phone and you wouldn't even pop in for a few minutes. Maybe you could apologize for your misunderstanding which caused the whole thing.

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 10/03/2018 07:42

I don't really know what to suggest then OP. You can ignore your mum and wait for her to apologise but doesn't that mean you risk this turning into a massive feud that it's hard to come back from?

I think you could apologise for your part and still be clear that you think she behaved badly by shouting at you, and it would help make amends. I suppose it just depends what's more important to you - resolving the fight and moving on, or having your mum feel in the wrong?

Aridane · 10/03/2018 07:42

Oh just grow up - sounds like DD is the only one acting with any maturity here. Atstep away from the thread

PrimalLass · 10/03/2018 07:42

Just leave her to it for a few days. She has behaved very badly.

SoupDragon · 10/03/2018 07:45

If I wasn't there they don't leave the food and a refund would take a few days to go back onto my card. So yes, id be left with no food and no money.

But you said last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house. so why did you think it would be taken away this week? It was early and they waited. I’m not seeing a problem.

Did your mother over react? Yes.
Did you react wrongly? Yes.

Apologise and move on.

stayathomer · 10/03/2018 07:47

Your mum has overreacted but they were waiting in there all excited to do something lovely and she was probably just sad and yes felt a bit taken for granted given she was helping you out at the time. As for the calling off mother's day things, I think that's really sad:(

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 07:47

But you said last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house. so why did you think it would be taken away this week? It was early and they waited. I’m not seeing a problem.
I think this is what you call backtracking. But not making a v good job of it.

Nousernameforme · 10/03/2018 07:47

It's another one of those isn't it.
Op, AIBU?
Everyone, Yes you are
Op No I'm not
Why bother asking if you just want people to side with you?

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