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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:59

It's not an hour's childcare and dd is in high school so it's not like she's 3. Not saying I'm not thankful but dd just popped there because it's closer than home and was raining. It wasn't something arranged in advance and that i expect her to do.

A surprise could be anything. New clothes she had got. New painted wall. Holiday plans. Some nice news. Anything . I didn't mean a surprise for me.

OP posts:
blueskypink · 10/03/2018 07:01

I hope if I'm ever lucky enough to have grandchildren, my having them visit for an hour or so after school isn't viewed as 'free childcare'. If your dcs go to a friend's house for tea is that free childcare too? What a mercenary way of viewing things.

DeathStare · 10/03/2018 07:02

It's only the 3rd time I've had food shopping delivered so don't quite know how it works

But you know that last week it arrived before you did and they waited, yes? So you know that is what happens

hidinginthenightgarden · 10/03/2018 07:02

I disagree with others.
It is never "just a minute". It takes 2-3 minutes to park the car and get into the house and then the same to get back in. That's around 5 mins already. At least 5 mins to receive flowers and give thanks without rushing off and seeming rude. So that's 10 minutes late. Why not give the flowers on mothers day when she saw you?
She could have come out into the porch like she always does and then would have seen your reaction then too.

I would apologise that she felt you were being rude and say you really appreciate the gesture but if you had missed the shopping then the gesture would have felt insignificant as it would have cost you the food.

MIngerDynasty · 10/03/2018 07:03

Your mum was trying to do a nice thing.

Um really?

blueskypink · 10/03/2018 07:04

If your dd is high school age op, then I honestly don't understand the drama. She could have just taken the flowers out with her. Seems to me the drama was caused by the fact your mum wanted to see the flowers handed over?

RumerGodden · 10/03/2018 07:04

sorry a bit off topic here, and I'm not in the UK, but what is actually wrong with the shopping delivery sitting on the front porch for 10 mins if they deliver it without someone home?

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 07:05

But it was a surprise. She didn't want to say so because then you would have been expecting something (whether for you or not). She wanted to really surprise you, so kept saying you needed to go in for it...
Even if it wasn't a physical surprise she obviously didn't want to discuss it over the phone.

FabulouslyFab · 10/03/2018 07:05

Poor Mum, she was only trying to do something nice. Perhaps giving you flowers today fitted in with her shopping trip and daughter visiting- thinking that leaving them til Sunday they wouldn’t be at their best?
What ever - go and apologise. She is your Mum!

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 10/03/2018 07:05

then the gesture would have felt insignificant as it would have cost you the food.

Except that it wouldn’t have cost her the food. The delivery slot was from 5pm.

Um really?

Oh yeah, sorry, giving your granddaughter flowers to give to her Mum is a really nasty thing to do Hmm

Mrscog · 10/03/2018 07:05

Op I think you’re getting a rough ride here. I don’t think you were unreasonable and your mum sounds ridiculous.

MIngerDynasty · 10/03/2018 07:05

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

I'd be furious, what does this have to do with dd?

blueskypink · 10/03/2018 07:05

Rumer - it could get wet or stolen?

DeathStare · 10/03/2018 07:05

If your dcs go to a friend's house for tea is that free childcare too? What a mercenary way of viewing things

But when my children go to someone else's house, if that person asked me to call in when I collected them, then I would without question. That's not mercenary, it's good manners and being grateful.

TheMaddHugger · 10/03/2018 07:05

Not sure why OP is getting a bashing here.

(((((((Hugs))))) OP

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 10/03/2018 07:06

Don't worry Op - your issue is saying that your dd had stepped foot in your mother's house which on MN translates to you regularly taking the piss with childcare and having to accede to every single demand forevermore (and no, I don't use family childcare so I've got no eggs in that basket).

OP has said that she usually goes in but on this occasion she felt she had pressure to get home. I don't think she should have to jump every time someone asks her to.

Reasonable mothers don't start calling their daughters selfish and abusing them just because they don't have their demands complied with immediately.

OP - for future ref, i'm pretty sure that the shopping delivery has to wait until its scheduled slot and couldn't drive off just because they're early, so hopefully you'll feel less pressured from now on.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 07:06

And I was already later as I had another 10 min walk on top of the 5 mins I usually had. In the pissing rain with no umbrella.

If she hadn't been screaming at me and hung up then I might have gone in when I got to her house. Or if she was in the porch or window as she usually might be then I might have gone in. But she was shouting over the phone at me then hung up.

So that's why I didn't go in really. She cut that off as an option when she went off at me like that.

OP posts:
IggyAce · 10/03/2018 07:06

If you were seeing your mum on mothers day why couldn't she get your daughter to give you the flowers then? Your mum sounds a little like mine, flies off the handle if she doesn't get her own way or is challenged. However I'm at least met with silent treatment.

MIngerDynasty · 10/03/2018 07:07

I hope when I'm a grandmother Ill be happy to see them and not see it as providing child care to someone.

TheFifthKey · 10/03/2018 07:07

I wouldn’t see that as free childcare I had to be eternally grateful for either - it’s two family members spending time together surely?

YANBU - for her to start kicking off like that was unnecessary. Most people would have a way of signalling it’s a surprise for you that you’d catch on to, and if not, you could have got the flowers next time she saw you. You’re selfish because you had somewhere to be? We’re not obliged to drop everything for a family member at the drop of a hat! Actual life takes priority. Of course you were anxious about the shopping, again any normal person would want to rush to get back for it. Ridiculous that posters are picking that apart.

blueskypink · 10/03/2018 07:08

if that person asked me to call in when I collected them, then I would without question

And if you apologised that you were short of time and asked them if there was any particular reason, they'd probably tell you.... And certainly wouldn't bombard you with abuse if you didn't!

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 07:08

I hope if I'm ever lucky enough to have grandchildren, my having them visit for an hour or so after school isn't viewed as 'free childcare'
Maybe not, but DM was still doing a nice thing letting DD go round in bad weather if it was closer. A bit of a coincidence she had flowers for op if she hadn't known she would see either of them though.

hidinginthenightgarden · 10/03/2018 07:09

The slot was from 5 but was early last week. The OP was clearly worried it would be again. It isn't that unusual is it? I ordered some shopping a few weeks ago for 5.30 and got a phone call saying they were outside at 5.15. I wasn't in but was only a few minutes away. He said he could wait 5 mins tops.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 10/03/2018 07:09

And I was already later as I had another 10 min walk on top of the 5 mins I usually had. In the pissing rain with no umbrella.

So you weren’t even driving, OP? So it would have been even quicker to just nip in?

Excuse after excuse after excuse. What may appear like your mum overreacted to some is indicative of your poor behaviour, refusal to acknowledge any wrong doing on your part, tantrumming and being stubborn and selfish by cancelling see her on Mother’s Day.

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 07:10

Rumer - it could get wet or stolen?
So if it 'keeps being early' and unattended surely you'd complain!

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