Settle this: DH or I BU over guest

[Booboostwo]

DH has a family childhood friend he has not had any contact with for the past 25 years. He coincidentally bumped into her recently and invited her to stay with us. We live abroad, in an area fairly popular with tourists so we get a lot of relatives and friends who visit, that's fine. I don't know this woman but I am sure she's lovely, so that's also fine.

Here's the problem. DH has now said, rather casually, that he will be away, travelling aboard, during the visit. He assumed I would be happy to host his friend and can't see why I have a problem with this. Just for background we live in the middle of nowhere in the countryside, you need a car to get anywhere, and we have two young children and a lot of animals. I generally prefer guests who come with their own car so that they can amuse themselves a bit. This friend will need to be picked up at the airport and entertained by me (for an unknown number of days as DH hasn't asked when she is leaving).

I don't want to do this, DH thinks I am uptight and inhospitable.

Nicola
The woman isnt a friend. He hasn't seen her in 25 years since childhood. He has no idea who she is as a person now.

He had no right to invite a complete stranger to his house to stay and expect op to host them while he fucks off.

The whole point of meeting up with someone like that would be to catch up on old times etc when you both had time. Not dump them on your dp and leave them to it with a complete stranger.

The woman could have any sort of personality/issues/problems and op would be left with the kids to deal with it.

Its not being a nice person/good host/friend/good dp its being a selfish egotistocal dick.
And as for calling op alsorts cos she didnt want to do it that just makes him a bigger dick.

extinct
If you were in ops exact circumstances would that include telling them before they arrived that the 'friend' who invited them was sodding off for the week so wouldn't be hosting them at any point and that as you had young children and animals you couldnt chauffeur them anywhere either?
Or would you just let her find this out when she arrived?

Poor woman would feel really welcome either way...not. She would feel pretty let down by your wonderful 'hospitable' dp!

willow in these circs, I would certainly make sure the guest knew in advance what the situation was so that her expectations were realistic and she had the opportunity to change her plans if she felt uncomfortable about it.
And if she wanted to continue with the visit I would do my best to make her feel welcome and make the most of it.

Thays what the most of us would do😀
But thats what ops dh seemed to have the problem understanding. That he had arranged all this knowing he wasnt going to be there but had not told the visitor about it and called op unreasonable for suggesting he should.

@Booboostwo I am not OK with him inviting friends when he is not here.

How do you feel about him inviting people without checking with you? How is that viewed in your culture ? I know something about the cultural imperative to be hospitable to strangers: my parents lived abroad and pretty much kept open house, looking back it was my mothers way of having a social life. I know however, that it was her choice and that most of the work fell on her, so fair enough.

Having visitors foisted on you without consultation is a very different thing to choosing freely who and when you invite...

It now turns out that he has only spoken to her on the phone so he's worried they won't recognize each other at the airport! Poor woman I am beginning to feel sorry for her.

But you said in your OP that he bumped into her recently. How can he have bumped into her only by phone?

I thought he ‘coincidentally bumped into her recently’, but now he has only spoken to her on the phone 🤨

Now he’s worried he won’t recognise her?!

Fuck me. Is he always this much of an idiot and do you always tolerate with an air of ‘aw bless he’s only a man?

I’d be going out of my mind with this amount of stupidity coming from someone supposedly an adult.

I thought so as well but it turns out they hadn't met but spoken on the phone. I admit to not having paid a lot of attention to the story on the first telling!

It's getting even more ridiculous! Who calls a friend from over 25 years ago and one ends up staying with the other!?

Is that why he wanted you to go to the airport? So that it would be more acceptable when you don't recognise her?!

Yes lamagrey I've posted on MN for seven years just to make this troll post credible

I’d love to know how many times (each of us with different names) I’ve wondered how you cope with your DH over the years 😂

I love hosting but only for day - loathe overnight guests.

I would never agree to this - he is being very U and will have to explain to his friend he will not be there so won’t be able to stay.

Sorry, if it's been said, but does she know it will just be you? I would be horrified to learn I was spending time with a complete stranger in the middle of nowhere, and be dependent on them to drive me. I only passed my test a few years ago so no car could mean unable to hire one too. Let her know what's happening and yes, he's dropped you in it. I had this happen with my MIL once and it was horrific, but at least I knew her!

Did he look this woman up and reignite contact with her on the phone (or vice versa)? How did the original caller get the other person's phone number?

This doesn't make any sense to me.

I like having house guests, but I wouldn't be inviting a complete stranger to stay (unless it was a foreign exchange student or something).

Was it a work phone call, in which one of them recognised the other's name? That's an even more inappropriate lack of boundaries. You don't invite random work contacts to stay/ invite yourself to stay with random work contacts!

I think you need more details. Maybe she's coming purely to see the thing she has a special interest in and is just using your place as a base. She might have already got day to day transport sorted and might not be meaning to spend lots of time with you. If your OH offered to pick her up she'd probably say yes. I don't think you need to cancel but you need to make clear you can't transport and will be busy. She might be lovely. I agree OH has been silly organising something without asking you and getting the details.

Hang on, how on earth do you 'bump into' someone on the phone?

DH needed a professional service. His dad said why don't you use X, you know my friend's DD, whom you used to know. DH called her up, they got chatting, etc.

I was wrong to say he bumped into her, I hadn't paid attention to how they had reconnected. Mea culpa.

@FifiVoldermortsChavvyCousin

Honestly, it's not assertive! It's just that people quite often want a crash space so they can explore the city where I live. I actually like having visitors & can at worst offer a sofa, at best one of the dc's rooms - the dds are happy to bunk in together occasionally, so all good.

What I don't have is free time to help them explore unless they are here during the school hols, so I think it's fine to say 'Yep you can crash here - but I can't do the sights with you, because work'.

Generally people have been very appreciative of a free berth/dinner/local advice/me finding them a driver to do the sights, & it works really well.

Nice bottle of Duty Free & I'm happy to have anyone stay! They can eat with us or do their own thing; I tend to be a staging post for people who then bugger off & explore.

Totally different from OP's predicament where her dh has implied she'll be entertaining his buddy. That's taking the piss.

Oh, dear. I hope she's good at her job, or else the visit will be very awkward. Equally, if she's excellent at her job, and your/DH's hospitality is "lacking"... Did your DH realuse what he was risking, in exposing his terribly important contact to someone "uptight and inhospitable"?!