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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle this: DH or I BU over guest

223 replies

Booboostwo · 09/03/2018 07:28

DH has a family childhood friend he has not had any contact with for the past 25 years. He coincidentally bumped into her recently and invited her to stay with us. We live abroad, in an area fairly popular with tourists so we get a lot of relatives and friends who visit, that's fine. I don't know this woman but I am sure she's lovely, so that's also fine.

Here's the problem. DH has now said, rather casually, that he will be away, travelling aboard, during the visit. He assumed I would be happy to host his friend and can't see why I have a problem with this. Just for background we live in the middle of nowhere in the countryside, you need a car to get anywhere, and we have two young children and a lot of animals. I generally prefer guests who come with their own car so that they can amuse themselves a bit. This friend will need to be picked up at the airport and entertained by me (for an unknown number of days as DH hasn't asked when she is leaving).

I don't want to do this, DH thinks I am uptight and inhospitable.

OP posts:
WheresTheHooferDoofer · 09/03/2018 19:32

Your "D"H is being very selfish here, swanning off with the expectation that you'll be happy to host a total stranger alone. It's been 25 years, he has no real idea what she's like anymore.

Plus, there'll be the expectation that you'll be ferrying her around if this isn't addressed.

And lastly, on your birthday?!?! Your DH is coming across as someone who doesn't actually care about you.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/03/2018 19:32

He's got zero respect for you OP.

I'd call her and tell her it's off. I wouldn't bother to actually let him know this unless he asked.

Disrespect and casual dismissal of someone as a person in the family with the right to have input works both ways. Give him a dose of it.

'Oh, didn't I tell you? It's all off - I rearranged with her for X to X. You're definitely here for those days and I'll be busy for most of x on a trip to do blah blah so you could take the children too when you drive her around. It will really free things up for me which will be useful. What's that? Oh stop being so uptight.'

Original poster
Booboostwo · 09/03/2018 19:40

He only told me this morning. I said no bloody way am I hosting her alone and he was incredulous at my viewpoint, so I thought it was best to take a couple of hours and consider whether he or I was BU. I will tell him tomorrow morning he needs to sort this out.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 09/03/2018 19:43

Make sure he does and you see it in black and white or you could still end up having a phone call from someone at an airport waiting to be picked up.

Show him the thread he really needs a reality check.

YouTheCat · 09/03/2018 20:09

And all this on your birthday as well? I'd be leaving and not coming back. His friend can have the run of the place.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 09/03/2018 20:15

Bloody hell he expects you to host a complete stranger on your birthday? What a dick! Shock

PuppyMonkey · 09/03/2018 20:26

This is all barmy.

Who invites someone they haven’t seen for 25 years to stay with them having “bumped into” them?

Who says @yes please, I accept?”

Who fails to mention during the above exchange that he’s not going to be there during the visit?

Who marries a twit like this? Grin

LoveProsecco · 09/03/2018 20:34

I didn't think this could be a more ridiculous idea until your update that it will be your birthday! Shock

Is your DP usually so unreasonable & selfish?

Topseyt · 09/03/2018 21:17

You do sound as though you are going to roll over and let this happen.

Don't! What stunts will be pull in the future if you don't put your foot down right now?

bimbobaggins · 09/03/2018 21:17

I don’t even like having people to stay that I’m friends/family with never mind complete strangers! This is madness from your dh and under no circumstances would I put up with it

PlasticWatch · 09/03/2018 21:21

Hell no, fuck that.

AlbertaSimmons · 09/03/2018 22:05

This has gone from odd to full on crackers now.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/03/2018 22:30

I would suggest you have a serious think about your marriage. This attitude that you are basically the staff and will just accept whatever His Lordship arranges doesn't come out of the blue.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 09/03/2018 22:33

TBH, be real insanity here is op's questioning Is it me or DH? Help me see who is unreasonable here
Anyone unsure of that in these kind of circumstances deserves all they get.

Gabilan · 09/03/2018 22:41

I said no bloody way am I hosting her alone and he was incredulous at my viewpoint, so I thought it was best to take a couple of hours and consider whether he or I was BU.

Errm. How often does he give you cause to question your judgement in this way? You make it clear he's being unreasonable, but he is so confident in himself that he just overrides this. Your first reaction was right Booboos. It's completely unreasonable to expect your spouse to host a random stranger for an unknown number of days with no help or input.

It's particularly unreasonable in a relatively isolated area where travel is difficult without a car. Potentially it's unsafe. He treats you as staff and the house as a hotel.

Gabilan · 09/03/2018 22:43

Anyone unsure of that in these kind of circumstances deserves all they get.

Not if they've been ground down over a period of years they don't.

MachineBee · 09/03/2018 22:47

You could always forget to pick her up from the airport and unplug the phone while DH is away. Grin

Branleuse · 09/03/2018 22:52

She is gonna be so pissed off to use up holiday, pay to visit a friend and then them not even be there and be in the middle of nowhere with a stranger and her kids. Is he completely thick? What is in it for ANYONE?

Cornishclio · 09/03/2018 23:07

YANBU. Your DH is an idiot and obviously opens his mouth before engaging his brain. Am astounded at the nerve of him expecting you to step in and entertain, presumably feed a complete stranger whilst looking after kids and animals. Would he do it if situation reversed?

DevilsDoorbell · 09/03/2018 23:40

At the very least she needs to be told that you will not be able to host as you have other responsibilities and that she will need to hire a car.

I’d be furious if dh did that to me. And I like guests!

MrsCrabbyTree · 10/03/2018 00:46

Maybe DH thought it was a win/win.

Friend has somewhere to stay.
You have company while he is away with work.

He has puffed up his ego because he is just so kind and thoughtful.

Your DH doesn't understand how uncomfortable a situation he has placed both of you (you and friend) in.

I am hoping though, that we will all be wrong. That you and friend get on like a house on fire and have an awesome time, after discussing what a dill your DH is.

MauriceTheSpaceCowboy · 10/03/2018 02:34

I never say this, but please show him this thread. He is obviously both batshit and thinks his opinions are so obviously supreme and right that he is gaslighting you into questioning your own boundaries and wishes.

Honestly this kind of crap can destroy relationships, he really needs a reality check and to see what other people think of his attitude.

Cyberllama · 10/03/2018 02:53

The only way this ends well, and it's a really, really specific scenario
She doesn't know he won't be there
She arrives and is mortified at the situation
She apologises for imposing and offers to help with housework and kids so she's not a burden
The two of you bond while discussing what a bellend your dh is
The extra help frees some time so you can have some fun together
She meets a mystery stranger while attending the village fête
After some initial tension, she and said stranger fall madly in love
Meanwhile, you fall in love with stranger's equally mysterious friend
Something terrible happens and three of you are furious with each other
It turns out it was all a terrible misunderstanding
DH returns home to find his bags packed and on the lawn
You, childhood friend and your handsome mysterious strangers live happily ever after

*this only happens if your name is Araminta and you live in a Jilly Cooper novel

OtterInDisgrace · 10/03/2018 02:56

One thing I’ve learned from mumsnet:

No. it’s a complete sentence

You need no more justification than that.

NicolaMac · 10/03/2018 03:25

Am I the only person on here who wouldn't mind this?

I like having guests, my DH's friends are generally nice, she might turn out to be a great cook, fantastic with kids and make a nice change from spending evenings with DH. I usually find that guests are great at helping round the house and much less work than my DH.

I wouldn't expect to entertain her. She's an adult. I'd ask DH to explain the situation to her and if she still wants to come to expect to have to muck in and help a bit or be self sufficient.