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AIBU?

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Original poster

Settle this: DH or I BU over guest

223 replies

Booboostwo · 09/03/2018 07:28

DH has a family childhood friend he has not had any contact with for the past 25 years. He coincidentally bumped into her recently and invited her to stay with us. We live abroad, in an area fairly popular with tourists so we get a lot of relatives and friends who visit, that's fine. I don't know this woman but I am sure she's lovely, so that's also fine.

Here's the problem. DH has now said, rather casually, that he will be away, travelling aboard, during the visit. He assumed I would be happy to host his friend and can't see why I have a problem with this. Just for background we live in the middle of nowhere in the countryside, you need a car to get anywhere, and we have two young children and a lot of animals. I generally prefer guests who come with their own car so that they can amuse themselves a bit. This friend will need to be picked up at the airport and entertained by me (for an unknown number of days as DH hasn't asked when she is leaving).

I don't want to do this, DH thinks I am uptight and inhospitable.

OP posts:
AlbertaSimmons · 09/03/2018 07:47

Bizarre. It’s a no from me. Why on Earth does he think either you or she wants to spend time with a stranger? If he won’t cancel the visit then you should contact her yourself and explain. If you don’t feel able to do that, then treat her exactly as if you were a hotel i.e. politely point her in the direction of the interesting sights and leave her to her own devices.
I’m curious as to how he managed to bump into her if you live abroad?

GrannyGrissle · 09/03/2018 07:48

DH had better rearrange his work trip or pay to rescedule his friend's flight. Who does that?! What an ass.

Chugalug · 09/03/2018 07:49

That's a nice funny story for over my morning coffee...I can't take that seriously as no dh in his right mind would think that acceptable

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/03/2018 07:50

Send her a link to a car hire place ... problem solved

MrsExpo · 09/03/2018 07:50

I would drop her a polite message saying you’re looking forward to meeting her (is she coming alone or bringing a partner/friend?) but as you have young children and your DH will be away during the time she will be there,, you won’t be able to accompany her on side trips etc and thus she will need to make her own arrangements re car hire, tour management etc. Send a link to the car hire places at the airport and a map or directions as to how to get to your home. Remind her that she won’t be seeing DH during her visit. Maybe she’ll get the hint that she ought to re-arrange for another date. He’s being totally U about this.

Chugalug · 09/03/2018 07:50

Plus ,he's not been in touch for 25 years ,he knew her as a child? He's just invited a complete stranger in to your home.

coconutpie · 09/03/2018 07:51

How does he think this is acceptable to invite some woman he hasn't seen in 25 years to stay at your house and then says after that you'll have to host her as he'll be away!! Fuck no. She can book into an Airbnb or a hotel.

UrsulaPandress · 09/03/2018 07:52

No way would I be happy with that.

DH sometimes invites old friends and their wives to stay and cannot understand why I do not want to be left entertaining the wives whilst they do manly stuff in the garage.

GnotherGnu · 09/03/2018 07:52

It really is a mistake to assume that you can pick up a childhood friendship and everything will be wonderful. I had my former best childhood friend to stay after a gap of around 12 years, and found that it was the most tedious weekend ever because we simply had nothing in common any more, and she seemed unable to chat or keep a conversation going.

So it's even more of a mistake on your husband's part to assume that it will be fine to expect you to be able to entertain and look after someone who is essentially a total stranger. Now that she's committed to this, he really needs to rearrange things so that he will be around.

coconutpie · 09/03/2018 07:52

To add - I think that it's a very weird he invited her to stay in his family home where he has children when he hasn't seen her in so long. I would not be entertaining this at all. She's a stranger!

extinctspecies · 09/03/2018 07:53

Have you ever met the friend before OP?

Has your DH told his friend he's no longer going to be around when she wants to come and stay?

How long is the planned visit and how long is your DH going to be away for?

Pengggwn · 09/03/2018 07:55

Where in earth is he going?

I'd tell him not a fucking chance. If he wants to host a guest, he hosts a guest. He doesn't offer your time and effort on your behalf.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 09/03/2018 07:56

I'd hate this but then i hate having guests to stay aswell, but the thought of having to entertain a stranger would really make me anxious.
I'd be fuming if my dh did that to me.

LoveProsecco · 09/03/2018 07:57

Completely unreasonable!

If they were childhood friends 25 years ago they are effectively strangers now. So even with your DH present it could be awkward. Without him absolutely not!

TERFragetteCity · 09/03/2018 07:57

What is it with these men who think their wives are staff?

Fuck that shit.

FinallyHere · 09/03/2018 07:59

MrsExpo nailed it, send her the friendly message to confirm that you won't be available to show her around (or collect her from the airport) and provide some links to car hire firms. Given ypu are in a tourist area, they may be guides who offer to show people round, for a price. Your backstop is to not collect her from the airport.

Who accepts an offer to stay with a friend you havn't seen in years, who won't be present when you visit? A CF who values free accommodation over everything else, that's who.

snewsname · 09/03/2018 07:59

Would she actually want to stay if he's not there?

Arborea · 09/03/2018 08:02

Would he do the same for you?

blueskypink · 09/03/2018 08:03

She might be equally horrified to find your DH doesn't plan to be there.

No way would I be doing this. Even if she has bought her ticket. I would tell your DH he has to get her to rearrange for when he is at home. It doesn't matter how unreasonable he thinks you are - he doesn't get to dictate to you what you will do.

extinctspecies · 09/03/2018 08:04

I think if I was in the friend's position I'd be pretty offended if the person who'd invited me was no longer going to be there during my visit, and I would think about rearranging for a more convenient time, if that's possible.

chatwoo · 09/03/2018 08:04

so your DH invited his friend to stay, presumably you and her are strangers? - And they don't discuss mutually convnient dates for her visit, or they do - but he neglects to mention he won't be there?

Very odd.

Who is she visiting if he's not there? She can't be visiting you, as you are unknown to each other!

He is being VERY unreasonable! I would be livid but would also struggle to think of a way out of the situation as the friend has already got her tickets (and she is not to blame for the situation).

theeyeofthestormchaser · 09/03/2018 08:05

An open-ended visit from a stranger? No way.

If your dh wants her to stay then he has to be there to host her.

ThisYear · 09/03/2018 08:08

Suggest he pays to change her flights to a time when he will be available.

acornsandnuts · 09/03/2018 08:10

Just wow. Your DH is being ridiculous.

Tell him you have a long lost friend visiting next week and that you won’t be there as you need to visit family. You don’t know how long they will be there and tell him he must be the perfect host. Bloody tossa

clairedelalune · 09/03/2018 08:12

Surely she would expect to hire a car/use public transport anyway? I would not go to stay with friends abroad and expect to be ferried about; they have jobs after all and I would not be expecting them to take time off. So unless he was planning to be off (before he found out about work trip) surely she needed transport?

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