Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle this: DH or I BU over guest

223 replies

Booboostwo · 09/03/2018 07:28

DH has a family childhood friend he has not had any contact with for the past 25 years. He coincidentally bumped into her recently and invited her to stay with us. We live abroad, in an area fairly popular with tourists so we get a lot of relatives and friends who visit, that's fine. I don't know this woman but I am sure she's lovely, so that's also fine.

Here's the problem. DH has now said, rather casually, that he will be away, travelling aboard, during the visit. He assumed I would be happy to host his friend and can't see why I have a problem with this. Just for background we live in the middle of nowhere in the countryside, you need a car to get anywhere, and we have two young children and a lot of animals. I generally prefer guests who come with their own car so that they can amuse themselves a bit. This friend will need to be picked up at the airport and entertained by me (for an unknown number of days as DH hasn't asked when she is leaving).

I don't want to do this, DH thinks I am uptight and inhospitable.

OP posts:
CountTessa · 09/03/2018 08:14

I think I would be in touch with her and clarify the situation, that he's not around and own transport is essential and then see how it pans out. With more facts she can make better arrangements..

TERFragetteCity · 09/03/2018 08:14

Who invites people to stay - without having a chat with the other people who also live in the house - first anyway?

It is her house too - why should the OP not have a say in who comes and stays - even if he was at home?

Undercoverbanana · 09/03/2018 08:20

Nope. No way.

Your home is not a hotel and you are not staff.

What if, on the very unlikely offchance, there is something about her that makes you very uneasy about her around your children (or something - struggling for examples)?

No way would I be juggling work, 2 children, animals AND someone else’s houseguest.

UpSideDownBrain · 09/03/2018 08:21

What is it with these men who think their wives are staff?
Fuck that shit.
^ This

Lunde · 09/03/2018 08:24

He invites - he hosts

expatinscotland · 09/03/2018 08:25

'I'm not your staff. If I wanted to entertain strangers I'd work as a tour guide. You need to re-arrange her visit to a time you're here and tell her yourself. And don't try to fob me off by not telling her. I want to see that you've told her because I am not going to host a total stranger whilst you swan off.'

LoniceraJaponica · 09/03/2018 08:26

I agree that she needs to be told that she needs to hire a car from the airport. If she doesn't drive she will have to fork out for a taxi or get public transport if there is any.

Does she even know your set up? Husband away, 2 young children, no time to ferry her about?

TERFragetteCity · 09/03/2018 08:27

I agree that she needs to be told that she needs to hire a car from the airport.

And stay in a hotel or AIRBNB.
And sort her own self out.

MaggieFS · 09/03/2018 08:29
  1. Who suggested those specific dates? Why didn't DH just say he couldn't to then and organise other dates?
  2. Why can't she hire a car?
  3. Failing that, does she know that as you have responsibilities, she won't be able to come and go as she pleases to her special interest thing and will either be stuck at your house or trailing round after you in the supermarket, much as you'll try and ferry her, when possible? Wink
Thebluedog · 09/03/2018 08:32

He hasn’t seen this person for over 25 years and he’s invited her to stay. I find that in itself odd, she’s a complete stranger and he’s invited her into your home!

Let alone the fact he’s not going to be there. He might has well just pulled a stranger off the street and asked them to stay with you whilst he’s away.

If he persists I’d contact her and say that your dh is away and due to location and dc you feel it’s better that she reschedule for a time when your dh is around.

In her shoes I’d not want to stay at a strangers house Hmm

blueskyinmarch · 09/03/2018 08:33

Does she know he won't be there? i rather imagine she would be looking for a good catch up with her old friend. If she knows he won't be there she might change her tickets? If not, can you let her come but ask her to hire a car for the duration of her visit?

LoniceraJaponica · 09/03/2018 08:38

Why hasn't he discussed this with you before she booked her tickets? It all seems rather odd. Can you get her email address and contact her yourself if he is being unhelpful?

Gabilan · 09/03/2018 08:42

What is it with these men who think their wives are staff?

This.

I'd contact her directly and clarify the situation. As pp have said she may well be horrified to find your DH has essentially booked her into Hotel Booboostwo and then fucked off. You might find she's happy to arrange her own transport and schedule. If she's interested in the area anyway she's probably got a fair idea of where she wants to go.

If I were her, I'd either cancel the trip, or come along but be fairly self sufficient and help you out with the animals and the house in lieu of payment.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/03/2018 08:42

Surely the point of her visiting is to catch up with him?

Otherwise his invitation was 'would you like a free holiday hosted by a woman you've never met?' to which any normal person would say 'thanks but no'.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/03/2018 08:43

It would be a resounding 'NO' from me, and not a debatable issue.
Your DH invited this lady, therefore he should be there to host his guest.
I'm sure she is lovely, but you live in a remote area, she doesn't have transport, what planet is he on, I wonder.
This is very unfair, he needs to stay home.
Stand your ground Booboo !

blueskypink · 09/03/2018 08:45

Lottie - the op has explained the 'guest' has a special interest in their area. So it's not just about catching up with an old friend.

Saracen · 09/03/2018 08:46

He is BVU. The ostensible purpose of her coming to stay is to catch up with her old friend, your dh. It may well be that she would enjoy the convenience of having free accommodation in an area she wants to visit, but everyone should at least pretend that she is coming to visit with her friend, because she would look like a CF otherwise.

Tell him to cancel his trip abroad. He has made a prior commitment to host his friend and she has bought her ticket. It would be very rude of him not to be at home when she comes to see him.

For that matter, he really should have checked with you before inviting her, unless your past behaviour has led him to believe that you will always welcome guests and the door is open to everybody. If you really never object to guests then I suppose it's okay for him to invite her without consulting you, provided of course that he's going to be around and do all the associated work involved in having a houseguest.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/03/2018 08:46

Ah, still, surely the catching up is a big part of it?

I imagine the friend is going to feel quite embarrassed when she realises he's 'volunteered' his busy wife as host.

Notasunnybunny · 09/03/2018 08:49

Has he informed her he won’t be around? I’d be mortified to be invited somewhere only to find the host had gone away!

blueskypink · 09/03/2018 08:51

Absolutely Lottie. He should be there to host and shouldn't have invited in the first place without checking with op. But I presume her interest in the area has provided him with a rationale for not being present.

user1486915549 · 09/03/2018 09:01

This sounds crazy even from the “ guests “ point of view.
Does she know
You live in an isolated spot
She won’t be able to get anywhere without a car
Her old friend who invited her won’t be there.
I would be pretty upset if I wasted my holiday because I didn’t have those facts.
Surely if she knows but still wants to come it’s a bit......wierd 🤷‍♀️

ChasedByBees · 09/03/2018 09:04

So what will you do OP? I’d tell her there’s a family emergency and you need to reschedule. Offer to pay for her new tickets and insist your DH does the hosting.

Would he really be OK with the reverse? You bump into a man you’ve not seen since childhood, invite him to stay and then plan to be away so he hasn’t to host man he’s never met and look after children?

rocketgirl22 · 09/03/2018 09:05

Your dh needs to sort this out, call her and tell her that he is now away and you can't do it as you are busy. So sorry and all that.

Your dh has no right to leave this with you. over to him to fix.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 09/03/2018 09:05

Is she going to babysit for you, or tend to your animals so you get a break? If not, then it's a no from me. What was your DH thinking!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/03/2018 09:07

I love having the house/bed/remote to myself and if someone thought they could do what your DH has done & completely scupper that, they’d be having another think. A good long hard one. One that involved being single again if they didn’t realise what a cuntfuckery thing they’d done

Is this travelling abroad work or pleasure?