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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle this: DH or I BU over guest

223 replies

Booboostwo · 09/03/2018 07:28

DH has a family childhood friend he has not had any contact with for the past 25 years. He coincidentally bumped into her recently and invited her to stay with us. We live abroad, in an area fairly popular with tourists so we get a lot of relatives and friends who visit, that's fine. I don't know this woman but I am sure she's lovely, so that's also fine.

Here's the problem. DH has now said, rather casually, that he will be away, travelling aboard, during the visit. He assumed I would be happy to host his friend and can't see why I have a problem with this. Just for background we live in the middle of nowhere in the countryside, you need a car to get anywhere, and we have two young children and a lot of animals. I generally prefer guests who come with their own car so that they can amuse themselves a bit. This friend will need to be picked up at the airport and entertained by me (for an unknown number of days as DH hasn't asked when she is leaving).

I don't want to do this, DH thinks I am uptight and inhospitable.

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 10/03/2018 06:00

Yes , you are the only one.

FlouncyDoves · 10/03/2018 06:10

Book a trip away for you and your kids for your birthday. Friend can still come but will need to be self-reliant

QOD · 10/03/2018 06:23

😱

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/03/2018 06:51

Yes NicolaMac - you appear to be the only one.

Original poster
Booboostwo · 10/03/2018 06:59

Overnight it seems that DH's trip is falling apart (was supposed to meet 3 people, now only one available so not worth it) so that resolves the problem of the guest.

Cyberlama I hope friend turns out to be lovely and I fall in love with her, then she and I ride away into the sunset on my birthday! Grin

OP posts:
extinctspecies · 10/03/2018 07:13

That's the spirit OP!

Hope you'll all have a great time together.

PurpleCrowbar · 10/03/2018 07:13

I also live overseas somewhere destination-y. Single parent, 3dc, full on teaching job.

I quite often have randoms (fruends id ex-colleagues, friends' teenagers on a GapYar, people I know vaguely via shared interests on FB etc etc) rock up wanting a bed for a couple of nights & I'm fine with this.

The rather massive difference between this & the deal your dh has dumped on you is that I bloody invited them!

& I'm always really upfront e.g. someone's coming this week: 'I'll send a driver to pick you up from airport - it'll cost you £20. Grab some decent whisky from duty free, you can't buy it here! You're sleeping in dd's bedroom as she's on a school trip - sorry, it'll be clean but I hope you like DanTDM posters & bedding... I can show you round X attraction on Saturday but every other day I'm working, so make sure you buy a local SIM at the airport so you can uber about. I'll pretty much see you in the evenings for a glass of wine' etc etc.

NOT full on entertaining someone else's childhood friend with a side order of chauffering! Tell him to GTF.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 10/03/2018 07:29

NicolaMac, I'd be the same. We have traveled quite a bit, and stayed with people and have had people stay with us (in a tourist spot)

It could have worked fine OP, if you lay out the rules/expectations clearly (eg: mention she needs to hire a car)

You don't need to go ott for hosting imo, just cook for 1 extra person and tell them where everything is and to help themselves!

FinallyHere · 10/03/2018 07:38

so that resolves the problem of the guest.

What it doesn't resolve it your 'DH's propensity to issue such invitations without consulting you. Left unchecked, anyone can do something like issue an invitation impulsively, which turns out more complicated. The solution is for them to always say, let me check wether we have any other plans, rather than decide unilaterally. Why doesn't he already do that?

LoveProsecco · 10/03/2018 07:47

^ Agree with Finally

Peanutbuttercups21 · 10/03/2018 07:50

Yep, Finally has got it!

AlbertaSimmons · 10/03/2018 07:53

Agree with Finally, it doesn’t resolve the problem at all, because him not being around to host the guest wasn’t the problem. The problem was him thinking it was ok to invite a random stranger into your home without asking you, expecting you to do ALL the work involved in that AND declaring you to be unreasonable for not wanting to do it. THAT problem hasn’t been resolved in any way.

YimminiYoudar · 10/03/2018 08:04

"Inhospitable" is a very odd accusation to make. We are hospitable to friends and family. People and organisations who are hospitable to complete strangers are hotels, B&Bs, inns and guesthouses who are hospitable in exchange for payment; and refuges and nightshelters who are hospitable to the needy as a charity. Which of these does your DH think you are?

Cuppaoftea · 10/03/2018 08:12

Has your DH apologised for calling you uptight and inhospitable?

I'd make sure he does all the work involved in hosting his family friend. On your birthday book something for your yourself/with friends so he can do the hosting and care for the kids and animals. Might make him think twice about issuing invitations without consulting you in the future.

Mummadeeze · 10/03/2018 08:20

Years ago my partner invited his Mum to stay with us who didn't speak any English and then went out every evening and left me looking after her. I was furious! We really struggled to communicate and it was very awkward. Glad your husband will be around now but I think his attitude was v unreasonable.

Original poster
Booboostwo · 10/03/2018 08:27

PurpleCrowbar yes, that's it exactly! I've had an ex-colleague call about his teenager who was stuck in her work away year. She turned out to be lovely and helped with the children for two weeks.

Finally you are right but this is the first time he's done this. I will make it clear though that I am not OK with him inviting friends when he is not here.

Yimmini we are not British, in our culture hospitality is a very big thing. Any guest must be fed to within an inch of her life or you have failed as a host!

OP posts:
Gabilan · 10/03/2018 08:32

"Inhospitable" is a very odd accusation to make

Particularly from someone who is so inhospitable they couldn't even be bothered to be there.

MichaelBendfaster · 10/03/2018 09:27

Overnight it seems that DH's trip is falling apart (was supposed to meet 3 people, now only one available so not worth it) so that resolves the problem of the guest.

Well, isn’t that convenient Hmm
Are you sure he doesn’t mean that, now it seems to have dawned on him that he can’t assume you would be nice to her or even pick her up from the airport, he’s scared to go away and leave it to you in case you offend the friend?

So is she still coming? And, if so, who is going to do the chauffeuring/hosting/cooking etc?

windchimesabotage · 10/03/2018 09:33

he is being very unreasonable! I hope he does end up being there because I agree its so rude of him to invite someone you dont know then just leave!
He needs to be there as she is his guest.

LilacClouds · 10/03/2018 09:37

Not read all the 8 pages I admit but - Why would your dh’s friend want to be there if he wasn’t there Confused surely she’s coming for a catch up with him as much as anything!! And (though I’m sure your dcs are lovely) staying with a stranger and their 2 dcs? Why would she want to?

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 10/03/2018 09:40

Purple Crowbar

That sounds good. I wish I could be that assertive.

Cuppaoftea · 10/03/2018 10:09

Sounds great if you're not the kid who has to give up your bed and personal space to randomers.

My parents did similar but only family stayed in my room.

AlbertaSimmons · 10/03/2018 10:33

Gabilan has it.

pictish · 10/03/2018 10:58

Well said Gabilan.
Fuck sake.

extinctspecies · 10/03/2018 11:08

Am I the only person on here who wouldn't mind this?

No, NicolaMac you're not. I believe in making the best of situations and while I'd be annoyed at my DH for being badly organised and thoughtless, it's not the guest's fault and I would do my best to make sure they had a good time - and hopefully get something positive from the experience too.