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AIBU?

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Original poster

Settle this: DH or I BU over guest

223 replies

Booboostwo · 09/03/2018 07:28

DH has a family childhood friend he has not had any contact with for the past 25 years. He coincidentally bumped into her recently and invited her to stay with us. We live abroad, in an area fairly popular with tourists so we get a lot of relatives and friends who visit, that's fine. I don't know this woman but I am sure she's lovely, so that's also fine.

Here's the problem. DH has now said, rather casually, that he will be away, travelling aboard, during the visit. He assumed I would be happy to host his friend and can't see why I have a problem with this. Just for background we live in the middle of nowhere in the countryside, you need a car to get anywhere, and we have two young children and a lot of animals. I generally prefer guests who come with their own car so that they can amuse themselves a bit. This friend will need to be picked up at the airport and entertained by me (for an unknown number of days as DH hasn't asked when she is leaving).

I don't want to do this, DH thinks I am uptight and inhospitable.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 09/03/2018 09:50

If an old friend of mine invited me to stay with their family and then, when I arrived, they weren't even there I'd feel totally awkward and embarrassed. YANBU

pictish · 09/03/2018 09:51

I can’t believe it either...I just can’t imagine anyone doing this. At least, not anyone who is normally known to be reasonable and in their right mind anyway..it’s so outlandish!

It would be the Confused face from me followed by a good Hmm before finishing with a flat refusal.

YouTheCat · 09/03/2018 09:52

Tell your dh that he's the only one who thinks you're being unreasonable. Then make sure he knows you will plan to be away when she visits unless he sorts out to either be there or to change the dates to a time when he's available.

HellonHeels · 09/03/2018 09:52

WTF?! YANBU

Topseyt · 09/03/2018 09:57

I would flatly refuse to do this regardless of whether or not the ticket had been booked.

His friend, his problem.

MarthasGinYard · 09/03/2018 09:59

Agree Barbarian

I bump into an old mate not seen for years

He invites me to stay

I rock up, he's away and only his Dp a complete stranger is there with two young dc

As the guest I'd feel awful

SecondRow · 09/03/2018 09:59

Has DH told her yet that he's not planning to be there?

I think I would tell him that either he rearranges his or her travel dates, or you will write to her yourself and firmly tell that as DH has unfortunately made a huge mistake with the dates, and you and she don't know each other at all, you are sure it would be awkward on both sides and is therefore a complete no-go.

TheTab · 09/03/2018 10:04

everything coconutpie has said is 100% what I feel.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2018 10:05

I wouldn't have this.
Before we were married, DH invited a friend of his who he'd met travelling to come and stay at my house for a few days. Well, the friend had drinking problems, and DH was out at work during the Saturday, leaving me on my own in the house with the friend, who was muttering and shouting to himself.
I couldn't deal with it at all and told DH he had to get his friend to move on.

But even without this negative and actually quite scary experience, I would still say YADNBU but your DH is. Just because she's a female, doesn't mean you're instantly going to bond or something! HE invited her, she's HIS friend, he should bloody well be there to host her! And if he's not, then she should stay elsewhere.

Batteriesallgone · 09/03/2018 10:05

Eh? What?

This is so far outside my sphere of experience I’m gobsmacked. Does he also send you to play in a Sunday football team on his behalf or send you in to work when he fancies a day off?

You can’t just substitute for him in a friendship, it’s fucking wierd. The whole idea is bizarre.

Topseyt · 09/03/2018 10:06

I also agree that she needs to be told that "D"H is planning to be away during her proposed visit. Therefore you feel that the visit would be better to be rearranged to a more convenient time.

That would be the basis of my message anyway, to both her and to DH.

TheTab · 09/03/2018 10:07

Actually, I think your DH invited her on a whim fully not expecting her to take you up on it, in the way that people do and when she said she had booked it he has deliberately arranged to work away as he doesn't want to deal.

Not a bloody chance.

UserSnoozer · 09/03/2018 10:08

Surely she's coming to see HIM as she's his friend. Why would he run off and leave u with some stranger?

FizzyGreenWater · 09/03/2018 10:12

Err no, that's mad.

Your DH has to stay home. Why is he 'travelling abroad'?

He's not free to go - he has a prior committment - it's as simple as that.

Does she even know he's not going to be there.

Quite weird all round really as he doesn't even really know her. But she's a complete stranger to you, and you're supposed to host her, alone, in your house with your kids?

I would actually be a bit uneasy about that - but mainly absolutely furious about the presumption that you, the staff, will deal with it. To the extent that I'd be calling her myself and explaining that she can't stay, huge apologies, his fault, and offering to pay something towards her staying in a hotel if she can't change the dates. Or something.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/03/2018 10:13

Actually first thing to do is to contact her and tell her that there is a problem and it looks as if he can't be there. It's quite likely she would want to cancel, try and move it, or offer to stay in a hotel if she has any social awareness! - she absolutely might not want to impose on a family she'ds never met before... Confused

MagneticMan · 09/03/2018 10:14

OP hasn't been back.

I wonder if she's been arrested for beating her husband to death.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/03/2018 10:14

Oh and by the way yes you can go ahead and contact her - your DH has made it clear that as far as he's concerned he has kindly bequeathed this problem to you - so no, not his decision any more how to handle it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2018 10:16

If he's abroad for work, then she will have to stay somewhere else, as she seems to have already booked her flights.
If he's going abroad for his own pleasure then he can bloody well rearrange it!

I'm still very angry on your behalf, especially as he's accusing you of being uptight and inhospitable.

The only thing I can think that you could do to make him realise in ANY way how wrong this is, is to suggest that YOU invite an old schoolfriend of yours to stay, and then YOU fuck off and leave him to entertain them and look after the kids without you! if he protests wildly that he couldn't possibly do it, then you can point out that that is exactly what he's asking you to do!

lostlemon · 09/03/2018 10:17

In these situations I always try and check myself before I make a decision. So here would you expect your DH to do this also would you DH do it. No is probably the answer so there you have your response.

I would assume that he is organising everything and take no part. I would also be clear that if he isn't around it's a no go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2018 10:24

Your dh is very rude. To you, obviously. But also to his childhood friend.

Can she not drive?

TheMerryWidow1 · 09/03/2018 10:24

what an idiot, who does he think he is just telling you this and expecting you to just get on with it like a maid. I'd surprise him and book a holiday with the kids for the same time (without him) and see his face then. Good luck

BrendasUmbrella · 09/03/2018 10:25

What is the trip for? If it's an important work trip I suppose it's understandable.

If it's a hobby or any other kind of leisure trip then it's bullshit.

GnotherGnu · 09/03/2018 10:32

Does the friend actually know what is planned? I would be extremely unhappy if I had accepted an invitation from an old friend only to discover he was buggering off at the time of my visit, and that I would be left to be hosted by a complete stranger who plainly has more than enough on her hands without having to cater for me and take me round the local sights.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/03/2018 10:39

What is the trip for? If it's an important work trip I suppose it's understandable

No, it’s not, it’s really not.

IF something majorly important for work had come up, then the correct response to that (if you REALLY can’t change it) is ‘Dear wife, this has come up, I have to go. I tried to rearrange but it’s not possible. Unfortunately it’s when ‘Friend’ has booked to come. I appreciate it’s a big ask, but how do you feel about her still coming? If you’re not ok with it I’ll pay to change her flights for when I am here. If they can’t be changed I’ll see if I can find somewhere else for her tonstaynir something’.

Not ‘Oh I won’t be here’. ‘ You’re uptight & inhospitable’ etc

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 09/03/2018 10:40

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Why On earth didn't they coordinate dates?

I'd be livid. At the very least insist she has a car and make it very clear she's entertaining herself. Otherwise refuse.

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