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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry about my daughter's comments

204 replies

Hibbsy · 07/03/2018 13:43

Hi all, last night I got back from a 6 day business trip to Amsterdam, when I walked in last night my DD (age 5) ran up to me and gave me a hug and said "hello old mummy". I thought she was referring to my age (I'm only 32) and said "I not old!" in a jokey way and she replied "no, old mummy, i think i have a new mummy now"

When I pressed her further she said that DH had taken her to PizzaHut for her tea and they had sat with another of the mums from school and her daughter who is in same class as DD and that DD and this woman had been kissing!

I put her to bed and confronted DH, he said that he had bumped into this woman and her daughter when they got to PizzaHut and she asked him to join them and that when they were leaving he simply gave her a peck on the cheek to say goodbye. He found it funny but I am really not sure as she is very attractive and has a bit of a reputation around here (she is divorced and is known for jumping from one relationship to the next as well as having some one night stands).

I also checked our bank statement on line and the money paid to PizzaHut was around £50 so it is obvious DH not only paid for him and DD but for her and her daughter as well.

He has strayed once in the past but only a drunken snog on a stag do which he owned up to after I worked it out from jokey comments his mates made to him to try and wind him up. I don't know whether to be concerned or not?

OP posts:
mojito55 · 07/03/2018 17:44

Ask your DD if they had planned to go for dinner just the two of them or if daddy told her they were meeting this woman and her kid for dinner. If they did just bump into them it's probably innocent, but I still can't see why he'd pay for them.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 07/03/2018 17:45

This use of the word ‘slut’ and the associated shaming of it makes me really fucking angry.
Judging someone like that for leading a different life to you just illustrates how insecure some people can be.
Nobody has the right to shame someone else in this way. This is the 21st century ffs.
It is utterly depressing how women have swallowed this internalised misogyny.
It takes two (or 3 or 4!) to have sex, sure, but if one person is in a relationship then only that person has an obligation to someone else, that would be the person they made vows to/have a committed relationship.
And please stop with this whole reputation shit. That is a product of gossip and narrow minded judging.
Single people can do what they like . Married/co-habiting people can’t. End of.

bonnyshide · 07/03/2018 17:46

I really doubt, if he was having an affair that he would carry it out in front of your DD, pay for her meal and kiss her too.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 07/03/2018 17:56

It's a bit of a running joke in our house that Daddy better not come home with a new Mummy /Mummy might get a younger more handsome Daddy to our 5yo. He jokes back similarly that he's going to get a new mummy or daddy who will let him eat chocolate all day and stay up late.

Hilarious Confused

Frazzled2207 · 07/03/2018 17:58

I would believe your husband that it was a peck on the cheek but possibly initiated by her?

But I would query why he paid.

user1474652148 · 07/03/2018 18:01

If you go out with a friend is normal to go halves unless it is their birthday. This is a problem because it looks more like a date than a accidental meet up.
Those that think the kids being there makes any difference at alk are being naive.

Lemonnaise · 07/03/2018 18:05

And please stop with this whole reputation shit

Bore off and stop being so sanctimonious. Who are you to tell people what they can or can't post.

Storminateapot · 07/03/2018 18:11

I'd keep a weather eye out if your spidey senses are tingling, but I think it's quite possible he put the meal on his card and she gave him the cash. Either that, if £50 isn't a lot of money to the family then maybe he was just generous. The cheek kiss wouldn't seem amiss to me, I cheek kiss my friends and their partners, my DH the same - it's how our social circle rolls. If I'd just had a pleasant meal with someone I knew it would seem natural to give them a kiss on the cheek as goodbye (particularly if they had paid for it). A cheek kiss is not remotely sexual or suspicious to me.

On the whole I'd give benefit of doubt for this.

DiegoMadonna · 07/03/2018 18:11

Clearly some people kiss acquaintances on the cheek as a form of greeting and/or farewell, and clearly some people would pay for their meal as a kind gesture. I, for example, would do both.

Whether either of those things is out of character for OP's husband, only she can say.

Sleephead1 · 07/03/2018 18:12

I don't think it's likely anything is going on in front of their children but it's pretty sad that people want to call this women they know nothing about names. I mean she's attractive and spoke to someone husband we have no idea if she gave him the cash or he played for them, we have no idea if he packed her on the cheek but because she's attractive and has had one night stands then people call her names. If you don't trust your husband or you think he is trying to sleep with this women it's your husbands fault not this women's. It seems like it's always the attractive women's fault if your husband wants to cheat he will if he doesn't it doesn't matter how attractive she is he won't. Speak to him again if you feel unsure but I certainly wouldn't be questioning your daughter about it.

Popadoodledoo · 07/03/2018 18:14

I wouldn't leave it there. And I also wouldn't believe anything your DH says. Children are not stupid.
I have a new mummy is very strange for a 5 yr old to say after an hour at pizza hut.

LtbCake

SpringHen · 07/03/2018 18:14

Single people can do what they like . Married/co-habiting people can’t. End of.

Sure. Its totally fine for single people to act inappropriately and sexually in inappropriate situations while visible embarrassing or upsetting others.

Single people dont need to act decently or nicely and coupled people can never ever ever find a single persons behaviour unpleasant.

MaggieS41 · 07/03/2018 18:16

I wouldn’t be fussed about them joining your DH and DD nor the peck goodbye (which I’m sure she instigated...) but possibly paying for their meal?! I’d be pissed off with that! I would tell him you checked the bank statement and saw that he spent £50 and ask him how can one spend that much at Pizza Hut?! If he says he paid for hers I’d just question why he felt the need too... but then again if it was my husband I’d just say he’s a sucker and a dickhead and leave it at that. He'd probably do the same thing being on the chivalrous side 😏

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 07/03/2018 18:20

My exh used to arrange dates then take our 3 yr old on them. He told me he was taking dd out to give me a break but would get very angry at the suggestion that I join them. Dd on occasion would refer to her "other mummy" but xh would pass it off as a reference to a family friend (who turned out to be the OW).

According to dd he still uses her in the same way years later - some women fall for his devoted dad routine.

OpenthePickles · 07/03/2018 18:49

Sure. Its totally fine for single people to act inappropriately and sexually in inappropriate situations while visible embarrassing or upsetting others

Single people dont need to act decently or nicely and coupled people can never ever ever find a single persons behaviour unpleasant

I agree. Why is it that if a single person has an affair with a married man, ONLY the married man is responsible? That's always baffled me on Mumsnet, doesn't apply to the real world though - in the real world they're both c*#^s.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 07/03/2018 18:56

Btw OP I also think your daughter's comment to you reflected a genuine anxiety on her part, and I would be most unimpressed that your DH would just laugh that off.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 07/03/2018 18:59

Er springhen if you want to take my comment out of context and extrapolate a different meaning to it then knock yourself out Hmm
Firstly, I think it was pretty clear that my post was about the whole cheating man/attractive slut scenario.
Secondly, which mythical people in the Op’s Post have displayed inappropriate and sexual behaviour? If you consider a peck on the cheek so unpleasant and indecent (your words) then please don’t ever watch any telly after the 9pm watershed. You would have a conniption.
Thirdly, you assumed from my post that I seem to lack a moral compass. Just because I believe in sexual equality? Did you miss the part where I said that people in a relationship shouldn’t have affairs (hold the front page!)
To hold those views makes me think that either you have been betrayed by someone or you have a rather antiquated view regarding sexual emancipation, maybe both. But I will stop there as I do not want to do what you did, which is to add 2 +2 and come up with eleventy billion.
Just lay off us promiscuous, conventionally attractive women! (I’m neither of those things but don’t let facts get in the way of your thought processes.

SpringHen · 07/03/2018 19:02

The OP said that the other mum behaves sexually in company, not just in her private sex life.

leghoul · 07/03/2018 19:05

I've paid for other parents without thinking twice, and I've kissed people goodbye or hello on the cheek

Completely innocent and never thought anything of it

minionsrule · 07/03/2018 19:06

OP whatever you do please don't quiz your dd on this anymore

Dipitydoda · 07/03/2018 19:09

I suspect the mum was paying in cash DH on card so rather than split the bill he took the cash and paid for whole thing on card me and friends do this all the time. Unlikely to conduct affair in front of kids

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 07/03/2018 19:12

So what if the woman has consenting sex with other consenting adults? It is really none of your business what someone else does in their private life. But go ahead, hoik those judgey pants up as far as they can go. Mind you, that might provide a frisson of pleasure and that would be wildly inappropriate and indecent.

Claydermansgirl · 07/03/2018 19:13

I would be concerned that he has form for cheating. Also how do you know that is IS an "accidental" meeting. The kids are perfect cover. Cant believe posters saying it cant be anything cos the kids are there. I assume people having affairs dont spend 100% of their time together having sex.

But I dont know if there is anything going on. Theres not really much to go on. Ive never heard of a 5 year old saying that sort of thing though.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 07/03/2018 19:14

And I agree with Pps, please don’t ask your DD any more questions, op. That would be probably a futile exercise in information gathering and inappropriate to boot.

SpringHen · 07/03/2018 19:14

It is really none of your business what someone else does in their private life

Sure. In private.

In public though overt sexual behaviour is made your business.