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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What DH wears at home

182 replies

BabsPym1 · 07/03/2018 06:35

DH is a fab dad and a v good husband. I love him a lot.

But we're also a long time wed and you know, the attraction side of things needs caring for after a long time with someone.

DH and I work at home a lot. He has these comfy home clothes - in particular an old, faded, shabby, pair of grey comfies that he often wears with a matching top/hoody.

I can't bear them.They are so revoltingly shabby. I can't bear looking at them. It's a complete turn-off. I realise it sounds shallow, and I'm sure I'll get completely slagged off for all this, but is it unreasonable to expect him to make just a bit of an effort around me? To make me find him desirable? He has a very limited wardrobe, has little interest in cloithes - which i knew and I'm fine with - but honestly, the home stuff is awful. I was away for a few days and got home and he greeted me with flowers in a vase (lovely, I know) but wearing this ...

I have said to him that they are ready for the bin. He laughs it off.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LolitaLempicka · 07/03/2018 06:38

Throw them away.

beingsunny · 07/03/2018 06:38

Throw them out and replace with something hot!
I know what you mean though my partner lives in these scrappy fuzzy singlets and Nike shorts Confused

Petalbird · 07/03/2018 06:40

Take him out and make him choose new clothes?

AbsolutelyCorking · 07/03/2018 06:40

Just get rid of his horrible clothes and buy him new ones. Job done.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/03/2018 06:41

You just can’t fancy him surely. I find dh attractive if he’s wearing a sexy suit when we’re going out or his old grey joggers and ripped t shirt at home.

Original poster
BabsPym1 · 07/03/2018 06:43

He wouldn't be happy if I just threw them out. He would find it utterly controlling and be really cross.

But yes, it's about fancying someone.

OP posts:
GemmaB78 · 07/03/2018 06:46

I have a similar story. My husband couldn't care less about clothes and wears stuff until it is falling off him. At home he slobs around in a pair of tracky bottoms circa 1990.

BUT

At home, I don't care. If we are going out somewhere where I think it will matter, I will suggest he wears x,y,z and 9 times out of 10 he takes my advice.

What he wears doesn't affect how much I fancy him, as it's the body underneath I am interested in, and it's not just the physical package and its wrapping that makes me find him attractive: it is so much more than that.

But if it bothers you that much, yes, buy some new stuff.

speakout · 07/03/2018 06:47

I find it endearing.

OH and I are masters of the shab at weekends. He has trousers that are ripped and ragged at the bottom. For work he wears a suit and is very smart
I do have high standards of cleanliness, but OH showers every morning and his shabbies are clean, so that's fine.

But then I'm not very interested in clothes anyway.

I find men who are over invested in their appearance vacuous and a turn off TBH.

Original poster
BabsPym1 · 07/03/2018 06:48

"What he wears doesn't affect how much I fancy him, as it's the body underneath I am interested in, and it's not just the physical package and its wrapping that makes me find him attractive: it is so much more than that."

This^. Sorry, I've no idea how to bold stuff.

I completely agree with this too - and if he felt the same about my clothes, and let it reflect on my body and how much he fancied me, I'd be really upset.

But we don't go out that much, we don't dress up that much, and so it becomes what i see a lot of.

It's complicated in my head. I don't want to care but I do

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 07/03/2018 06:49

Throw them out and replace with something hot!

If a man threw out his wife’s favourite comfy pyjamas and replaced them with peephole bra and crotchless knickers because that’s what he finds “hot”, he’d be called all sorts of names.

Whatever happened to talking? “Darling, you know those scruffy joggers do nothing for me. I’d fancy you like mad in a thong/gimp suit/Where’s Wally costume.......”

I bet there’d be a change within a couple of hours, tops!

speakout · 07/03/2018 06:49

Just get rid of his horrible clothes and buy him new ones. Job done.

How horrible and controlling.
What if a man did that to a woman because he wanted her only to wear stuff he found attractive- everyone would be suggesting she kicks him out.

Original poster
BabsPym1 · 07/03/2018 06:50

Again, I completely agree with this:

I find men who are over invested in their appearance vacuous and a turn off TBH.

I hate the idea of a gelled up, scented, smart man. It's not our thing. We are casual. Neither of us spend any money really on clothes.

This is another league...! This is taking casual to the edge

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 07/03/2018 06:50

Imagine a reversal on this thread where a man was saying he didn't like his wife not making an effort and the advice was to chuck her clothes in the bin. Shock

Original poster
BabsPym1 · 07/03/2018 06:51

Yes, I can't just throw his stuff out. It would be totally disrespectful and I would never, ever accept it from him. Ever.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/03/2018 06:52

Do you make an effort also?

My husband has a Habit of wearing clothes too big for him at home, I have no idea why he buys them like that, and he looks like tom hanks out of big and fairly ridiculous, he's not a small bloke either, but I also look like shite so don't really have room to say anything.

Going out he makes an effort and his clothes fit him. It is what it is. Explain to him it's impacting desire, but not really many people want to be dressed up at home.

RosyPrimroseface · 07/03/2018 06:53

Is it more that you want to go out with him or have him "raise his game" just for you t9 make you feel special? Why not ask him? The vase of flowers suggests he is kind and thoughtful but maybe has a different 'love language' to you?

Try talking about how you feel but in a non judgemental way - neither of you is right or wrong but there's something happening which is making you feel distant from one another and there's probably stuff you can each do to help. And structural stuff like the ol' date night type activity.

BangBangPurple · 07/03/2018 06:55

He wouldn't be happy if I just threw them out. He would find it utterly controlling and be really cross.

Erm, that's because it would be.

Your own home should be the one place you feel most comfortable. If they're old and shabby maybe offer to replace for new ones? But he's not doing anything wrong, it's your problem.

My DH lives in trackies when we are at home, I basically live in my pyjamas. We still fancy each other.

PickAChew · 07/03/2018 06:55

Of course you can't throw anything out, but you could test him to some nice new loungewear. Something that's equally comfy and warm but not so shabby.

PickAChew · 07/03/2018 06:55

Treat, not test

strawberrypenguin · 07/03/2018 06:56

I can't believe people are saying throw them out. If op was a bloke she'd be called shallow and controlling.

OP it's a sign of how comfortable your relationship is that he feels he doesn't have to pretend to be something he isn't around you. If it really bothers you, talk it through properly with him and maybe agree to compromise along the way

Hellywelly10 · 07/03/2018 06:57

Titty your funny. I think you need to tell him how you feel and persuade him to buy some new house clothes with his own money. I had an ex is told him I hated his beard and was putting me off him. It came off straight away. Must remember to throw out that old nightie.

earlgreymarl · 07/03/2018 06:58

OP I get you! I have also pondered this same thing about what to do re my DH! He is a handsome man, but 90% of the time I see him he is wearing oversized joggers ( hole in him has been sewed, sorry, glued together by him, not me) a worn fleece either with paint on or that is from some work related trader as a freebie and a tea shirt that is inexplicably tucked in.

So what's the problem?

That you have to look at it, that's what! And it does him no justice and looks scruffy and bizarre like he doesn't give a shit.

So I am with you OP, what can we do?!?

earlgreymarl · 07/03/2018 06:59

them not him

PussGirl · 07/03/2018 07:00

I told mine he looked like a tramp - jeans with ripped knees (through wear, not the trendy type) & scruffy old t-shirts splitting at the neck that he had usually slept in. It made no difference, though he would look smart if out / at work.

He complained I didn't want to have sex with him very much at all really

I left in the end - there were lots of other reasons too.

CantChoose · 07/03/2018 07:01

Could you buy him a gift of some smarter 'loungewear'? Something not too dissimilar but not quite as worn out? It sounds like the issue isn't that he is wearing comfy but unattractive clothes, more that the item itself needs replacing.