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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What DH wears at home

182 replies

BabsPym1 · 07/03/2018 06:35

DH is a fab dad and a v good husband. I love him a lot.

But we're also a long time wed and you know, the attraction side of things needs caring for after a long time with someone.

DH and I work at home a lot. He has these comfy home clothes - in particular an old, faded, shabby, pair of grey comfies that he often wears with a matching top/hoody.

I can't bear them.They are so revoltingly shabby. I can't bear looking at them. It's a complete turn-off. I realise it sounds shallow, and I'm sure I'll get completely slagged off for all this, but is it unreasonable to expect him to make just a bit of an effort around me? To make me find him desirable? He has a very limited wardrobe, has little interest in cloithes - which i knew and I'm fine with - but honestly, the home stuff is awful. I was away for a few days and got home and he greeted me with flowers in a vase (lovely, I know) but wearing this ...

I have said to him that they are ready for the bin. He laughs it off.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FeedtheTree · 07/03/2018 08:16

Buy him some really soft, comfortable clothes that you find sexy. Or drag him out shopping and offer to treat him to stuff he likes that you like too.Two or three outfits. Tell him that you fancy him but not his grey, baggy stuff that makes you feel that he doesn't care whether he's attractive to you any more. Ask him to try the new stuff on and wear it for a few days.
As long as you make it clear that it's the grey bagginess of the clothes not him that you find depressing and unsexy, he should be open to the change.

FeedtheTree · 07/03/2018 08:18

DH went through a phase of wearing trousers that really didn't suit him. Too short, bad fit. And he bought several pairs because he thought they were so great. After (literally) years of me hinting and commenting they were short I finally just said: they don't suit you. They look weird. He went off and bought a whoile new wardrobe and he really does look ten times hotter in it.

RoadToRivendell · 07/03/2018 08:19

I live in my cosies at home, I think it makes sense to invest in some nice ones for this very reason.

Have you tried buying him some nice PJs? I find my husband quite rakishly handsome in his plaid flannel trousers.

invitroveritas · 07/03/2018 08:20

So you fancy DH when he's wearing some clothes but not in others, OP?
I'm sure you can't be that superficial Confused

What has DH said in your conversations about your feelings, because you have discussed this?

YABUnkind

Gwenhwyfar · 07/03/2018 08:20

" No make up, hair not done, leggings and a jumper kind of thing?"

That's hardly fair and the equivalent. She's not complaining about wearing casual clothes, but about old, scraggy, unflattering ones. It's possible to have nice, flattering comfortable casual clothes.

SharronNeedles · 07/03/2018 08:21

Clothes don't make the man.
My DH wears flip flops all year round, often paired with jersey shorts, a long sleeved jumper and a wooly hat. I find it funny. He doesn't care. If he expected me to wear clothes that I'm not comfortable in in my own home I would leave him. Fortunately he doesn't.
Throwing them out would be so disrespectful and controlling. His body, his choice, that rule doesn't just apply to women.
I'll often stick my PJ's on as soon as I get in unless I'm planning on going out. I'm not doubling my washing for no reason and I'm not rolling round on the floor with my 1 yo in a suit.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/03/2018 08:22

"If a man suggested woman should be 'hot' whilst relaxing at home people would be outraged by it."

She's not saying he should look 'hot', she's saying he should look tidy.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/03/2018 08:23

And all those pp saying they fancy their man in whatever have not been greeted by bright green PJs.

frasier · 07/03/2018 08:23

“He doesn’t care”. I think that is the point. It’s not attractive not to care. But if both parties don’t care then I don’t suppose it is an issue!

teraculum29 · 07/03/2018 08:26

wash those clothes in hot wash so they are "accidentally" ruin, or fell on it with your scissors LOL

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 07/03/2018 08:27

YANBU, OP - it is completely normal to want to see your DH looking good, and not dressed like a teenager on parole or a shut-in who's given up on life and has no plans to leave the house! This does NOT make you shallow - I'm sure it would depress you to see yourself looking like that too.

However you must not throw out his clothes without his agreement. talk to him, explain that it would make you happier to see him in different clothes - if he just isn't bothered about clothes hopefully he'll just go along with it.

MrsKoala · 07/03/2018 08:29

Do you have to fancy him at all times? Can he not be unattractive at times and you just not want to have sex with him there and then? I wear what i want, which isn't sexy when i'm not really expecting to have sex and then dress in something nice when i am. Same as DH. If we go out we make an effort for each other but not at other times because we are both just getting on with working/doing our chores.

I often wonder this when people complain about what their partners wear (i do have sympathy OP - dh is very casual and wears old clothes far too small/big and holey). I suppose what i mean is why do any of us have to be constantly attractive, does the fact i wore something ugly yesterday get stored in DH's memory and then the next time i am naked with him a flash of me in joggers comes into his mind and he is instantly turned off? I don't think 'oh but he was in that holey t-shirt this morning, i can't possibly shag him now'.

Or is it because it puts you off spontaneity?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 07/03/2018 08:32

Am Shock Shock Shock that the first few answers were 'throw them out'. And this on a site where many women post that they put pyjamas on as soon as they get home and would presumably be horrified if their dh even intimated that they didn't like it.

My dh is dreadful about clothes - you'd think he just didn't care, but it's a bit more than that - he has a resistance to looking smart and considers scruffiness a badge of honour on some level. I buy his clothes (with minimal consultation), make his hair appointments and make sure he looks decent for work and going out in public. But at home he'll wear the most awful things he's passionately attached to. I do hate it, but it's one aspect of him that won't change, and he more than makes up for it by working hard, more than pulling his weight at home, being a fab cook, hugely supportive of me and all my stuff (work, hobbies etc) and being competent in pretty much all other areas except this.

I WFH and tbh I'd hate to feel that, with all I do at home and for our 3dc alongside working, my dh was looking at me disparagingly because I was wearing a pair of baggy holey leggings or an old hoodie (which i do, when I'm not going anywhere). If he makes an effort at other times, cut him some slack.

beingsunny · 07/03/2018 08:37

I think it's perfectly ok to make an effort with your appearance in the home, my partner leaves for work before me and doesn't see me looking all fabulous in my work dresses, I want him to see that side of me sometimes.

I get that it's nice to be comfy with each other but to keep some of that spark there it's also important to make an effort too. If you don't get out much then I can see how it may be a bit much

ilovesushi · 07/03/2018 08:41

Could you buy him a comfy home outfit that you'll both like?

RidingWindhorses · 07/03/2018 08:41

Just tell him you can't stand looking at him in these shabby rags any longer and buy him some new joggers and some new jeans and shirts. (Or whatever else he generally wears).

BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2018 08:46

What do you wear at home OP?

Is it the style of the clothes themselves or their shabbiness that you find off-putting?

Skarossinkplunger · 07/03/2018 08:50

Your husband should have to “make you desire him”. That’s very controlling.

hotcrossbunsandtea · 07/03/2018 09:02

On these threads, it seems to be perfectly acceptable to destroy people's clothes on purpose, or throw them in the bin.

If a man came on here and said he didn't like his wife's pyjamas/tracksuit, and he was going to boil wash them or put them in the charity pile and get rid of them, he would be roasted alive.

It's controlling and unacceptable to destroy another adults property. If you don't like his outfit/feel he doesn't care, TALK TO HIM. Don't destroy his clothes.

GwenStaceyRocks · 07/03/2018 09:05

It's not about the clothes.
OP watch Queer Eye on Netflix with him. It's good at explaining it's not about being a clothing snob, it's about respecting your relationship and your partner. It's also about being attuned to differences in his attitude. Working from home a lot can be isolating and people can lose their sense of self. Casual clothes can be a sign of a drop in confidence, of a disconnect, etc. Obviously that's not always the case but sometimes it is.

nannybeach · 07/03/2018 09:10

Agree with GemmaB78, makes me laught when people write to agony aunts say they have been together/married 6 years and their sex life has gone stale! One minute you are saying you dont fancy him in his scruffy clohes next you DO fancy him. Hum. My DH (been together 30 yers) never a big one for "dressing" up, works in a "dirty" environment, lives in trackies and hoodies, I know him well enough, if we are going out even shopping, I will say "Not in those", he is fine with that. Does have some newer ones which are Ok with decent T-shirt (he loves Ben Sherman) collare over the top of a jumper. He did some gardening last week in the new ones, got them covered in grass/algi, actually washed them himself. IMy ex H, was very controlling, right down to buy chosing my clothes, yes, throwing them away, organising my drawers and wardrobe, sounds mad but he was violent, a psychopath, I only ever stood up to him once, he put out a pink outfit with red fishnet stockings (yes, it WAS over 30 years ago!) Once my DH gets his kit off, I really am not worrying about what he was wearing!

lightoflaluna · 07/03/2018 09:14

I agree with buying him something similar but new. Hopefully he'll prefer them to the older ones.

Frankiewears · 07/03/2018 09:24

Grey mark leisure wear is revolting and I can never even begin to imagine finding any man attractive in it.

Totally repellent and there is just no need to don overgrown toddler wear. It has the air of a nut scratcher about it who rummages and sniffs his fingers before sparking up an oily.

Just grim.

justilou1 · 07/03/2018 09:25

Take the most unflattering photo of him in this outfit and put it on his laptop, phone, iPad, etc as wallpaper, screensaver, everything. When he asks why, ask him how he feels about looking like that. If this doesn't work, find something equally vile - think winceyette nightie, fluffy slippers and curlers.....

AmIATerribleFriend · 07/03/2018 09:28

I sympathise, my OH has a pair of double stripe popper addidas joggers that were trendy in the 90's he loves them but I must admit I cringe when I see them because they're gross and also he usually has them paired with a wooly jumper. I dispair when he leaves the house in them to run for milk or something. He's just not bothered. I have bought him new joggers, but always its the damn poppers.