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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What DH wears at home

182 replies

BabsPym1 · 07/03/2018 06:35

DH is a fab dad and a v good husband. I love him a lot.

But we're also a long time wed and you know, the attraction side of things needs caring for after a long time with someone.

DH and I work at home a lot. He has these comfy home clothes - in particular an old, faded, shabby, pair of grey comfies that he often wears with a matching top/hoody.

I can't bear them.They are so revoltingly shabby. I can't bear looking at them. It's a complete turn-off. I realise it sounds shallow, and I'm sure I'll get completely slagged off for all this, but is it unreasonable to expect him to make just a bit of an effort around me? To make me find him desirable? He has a very limited wardrobe, has little interest in cloithes - which i knew and I'm fine with - but honestly, the home stuff is awful. I was away for a few days and got home and he greeted me with flowers in a vase (lovely, I know) but wearing this ...

I have said to him that they are ready for the bin. He laughs it off.

AIBU?

OP posts:
hotcrossbunsandtea · 07/03/2018 12:03

If my DP went out and bought my clothes, booked me a hair appointment and told me how to dress for work, he'd be out on his arse before he could say anything else.

I really don't get telling grown men, who can presumably just fine when it comes to working, driving a car etc, what to wear and when they need to get their hair cut.

The mind boggles!

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 07/03/2018 12:03

Damaging/binning his clothes is controlling.
Buying clothes (that you like) for him is also controlling.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 07/03/2018 12:09

But don't we all have a 'thing' we can't/won't do? There are loads of women on here who, by their own admission, won't drive on motorways or get rid of spiders or have no clue about their family finances. There are loads of men who can't/won't/don't buy birthday presents. There are men (and some women) who claim not to be able to cook. I don't drive because I would be shockingly nervous and defensive and the roads and I are better apart. My dh is crap with appearance and clothes. I'm sure if I left him to it he would manage somehow, and learn. But I don't mind sorting it for him. It saves time and stress. He (among many other things) makes the dc's packed lunches every day and brings me a coffee in bed every morning. I'm not going to resent buying a few clothes every now and again and making hair appointments every few weeks when I'm making them for my preteens anyway.

Worldsworstcook · 07/03/2018 12:11

Just put them in the eternal wash but don’t throw them out. Think of them like a security blanket. Just wash them often ... a lot and together at the same time!

speakout · 07/03/2018 12:33

I prefer my OH's hideous old joggers, I can see his knob more clearly.

lol

PilatesSuck · 07/03/2018 13:47

Can you organise some time together out OP? It sounds like you are stuck in a bit of a rut and his 'every single day' clothes are becoming the focus of it.

Hell even have a date at home one night where you dress up if you cant afford going out

hilzilla · 07/03/2018 14:01

Leave him alone, if he likes the clothes it's none of your business

Original poster
BabsPym1 · 07/03/2018 14:43

Thank you all very much for the myriad of responses. Some are extremely helpful, even when they're critical. Some are just downright rude and obnoxious, and it reminds me how easy it is to be that way when you are saying stuff to strangers across the ether.

Anyway, it's helped me refine what I think and that was the sole purpose of posting.

OP posts:
WonderLime · 07/03/2018 14:47

Buying clothes (that you like) for him is also controlling.

Jesus! No it’s not!

Forcing him to wear clothes that you like and he doesn’t - controlling. But not buying clothing that you like the look of FFS.

frasier · 07/03/2018 14:49

DH asks me to look out for stuff for him because I have such great taste Grin

PhelanThePain · 07/03/2018 15:30

There's also a huge difference between coming home and putting on your comfies and living in them every day, all day.

Yes the difference is that you’re comfortable every day, all day.

Remote1candles · 07/03/2018 15:40

Reading this thread with interest, as I find a few of my husband's outfits and PJs a bit offputting desire wise. If I wanted to buy him some new comfy but not too passion killing clothes and nightwear, are there any shops that people recommend?

Butterymuffin · 07/03/2018 17:38

Are you certain this doesn't have a root in anything else, OP? Because it seems to me like one of those foibles that wouldn't bother you if the rest of the relationship was fine.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 07/03/2018 19:57

It would bother me no matter how fine everything else was!

It makes me uneasy to see someone making absolutely no effort with their appearance, especially if it is someone I love.

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 07/03/2018 22:01

But not buying clothing that you like the look of FFS.

As other people have said, "if a man buys clothes (that he likes) for his partner, that's controlling".

It works both ways.

NataliaOsipova · 07/03/2018 22:12

What strikes me is that the OP isn't suggesting that her DH should look "hot". So the "throwing out your clothes and insisting you wear crotchless knickers" comparison is false. She's just suggesting that he makes a little more of an effort with his comfortable clothes, which is wholly different. The correct analogy would therefore be "I absolutely hate my wife's old stained nightshirt. AIBU to buy her a similarly comfortable, but newer, smarter version?"

A friend of mine had a similar problem with her DH. In the end she told him she hated it and found it disrespectful, as she always made an effort to look reasonably nice at the weekend, even when she was wearing casual clothes. He took this on board, and started having a shave and wearing a clean T shirt. I don't think that's controlling. She wasn't demanding he wore a certain thing, just saying she would prefer him to make a little more effort.

Coastalcommand · 07/03/2018 23:15

I fancy my husband whatever he wears.

SexOnTheBeachMat · 08/03/2018 00:34

YANBU OP. One view of not fancying someone one based on physical appearance is that it’s shallow. But how can that be? Surely fancying someone is mainly based on physical appearance? And you can’t help it if you don’t fancy DH in his hideous clothes. It’s just a biological reaction.

I think it’s really disrespectful of an other half to take no pride in their appearance, make no effort and let themself go, it’s like your opinion doesn’t matter anymore and all you deserve is some slob. It’s taking you for granted. And why should you have to put up with it, just because many years ago you made some vows? No effort = no sex imo.

Storminateapot · 08/03/2018 01:22

My DH dresses like a tramp at home. Always has and I knew this was probable when I married him, although he did make an effort to smarten himself up in the years we first lived together before we got married so I was slightly mis-sold Grin. I'm not often smart myself, but I wear clean, tidy clothes that fit and I don't mind being seen out in. I always shower and never, ever wear my pyjamas all day unless I'm ill. He, on the other hand, sometimes works from home and skypes in to meetings. He puts shirt, jacket and tie on top half over pyjama bottoms and ancient slippers. Funny, but oh dear the state of it. All of this is fine, I love him, it's who he chooses to be in my company.

For the last few years he has grown a trimmed beard, which he knows I dislike (because I've gently raised the point) but he insisted on because he thinks it hides his double chin (really doesn't). It's his body to do with etc.... However in the last few months he has grown a massive David Bellamy bushy full beard because he can't be bothered to shave. It's 80% grey because he's getting on a bit and it ages him by at least 10 years. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand when he's eating into his beard and doesn't shower every day so it smells. He gets crumbs in it. The fucking thing literally turns my stomach to the point of gagging and he knows this because I've told him. I find it utterly repellent - it, not him - yet he insists on keeping it.

I can only surmise from this that he does not give a shit any more.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/03/2018 06:51

"Surely fancying someone is mainly based on physical appearance? "

I agree, but I wonder how it works in old age. Do people in their 80s fancy each other based on physical appearance?

Storm - having to look at someone with food in their beard would turn my stomach too.

MaisyPops · 08/03/2018 07:03

I'd suggest going shopping for new comfy clothes.
I'm with him entirely on comfy clothes in the house. But there's no reason for them to be stained etc.

You'd be reasonable to suggets getting some new comfies.
You'd be unreasonable to tell him how to dress at home

And posters who were saying to just throw them out, you sound ridiculous and controlling.

RoadToRivendell · 08/03/2018 07:12

Oh, god Storminateapot that sounds terrible. Flowers

nannybeach · 08/03/2018 07:51

Gwen, we are in our 60s (me older) yes we do still fancy each other, physical appearance, yes, but to me cleanliness is the most important thng (my exH wore expensive clothes,jewellery etc) BUT hardly ever washed, frankly stank, underwear, which wasnt seen, you dont even want to know about)Second H, clothes in doors, VERY casual sometimes scruffy, but imaculately clean, as is he. I have several neighbours in their 80 (no I dont fancy them lol) but they are very neat tidy chappies when they go out, and no food in their beards. Would expect someone to make an effort when they go out though, (not the shopping in your PJs lark thank you) for yourself as much as the other person. I met my DH at work, in the 80s, I still wore suits to work, although no-on else did, he said he bet I wore a suit to walk the dog. My life is different now, revolves around, gardening, dogs, gdks, now feel a bit weird if I dress up for a Wedding,Funeral.

beboldbebluntbehonest · 08/03/2018 07:54

Surely he's meant to be working and so are you, so do you really need to find him attractive at that precise minute? Get on with your work and stop fantasising about him wandering around the house in Armani suits.

Onedaynamechange · 08/03/2018 08:57

I might be tempted to just buy some new stuff...or even take him out shopping and encourage him to. I've been known to accidentally lose some hideous t shirts in the wash or bury at the bottom of the ironing basket/at the bottom of his clothes draw to discourage him from wearing them. What's wrong with wearing jeans around the house? No need for jogging/trackie bottoms unless you're going to the gym IMO.