Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my son not to invite a mean boy to his party?

356 replies

Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 05:46

My oldest is turning 9 and normally we have only ever had family birthday parties. This year we have allowed him to have a friends birthday party for the first time.

I asked him who he wanted to invite and he listed eight names, which are all the boys from his class except one. When I asked why he did not want to invite that one boy, he said that he is mean to him all the time and gave me some examples. Given this boy's behaviour, I didn't see any reason to encourage my son to invite him.

This morning, after my son handed out the party invitations yesterday afternoon, I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Should 9 year olds be expected to invite kids who are mean to them to their own parties, just to not 'create tension' in the classroom?

OP posts:
mammymammyIRL · 05/03/2018 05:52

Leaving one out is unreasonable. If he was having 3/4 out of the class of 9 it would be fine.

My dds friend decided for her 7th birthday that she didn't want 2 of the other 8 girls at her party. Back story is she wanted them to have a joint party and they didn't. Her mother vetoed this & instead she had 2 friends go swimming with her instead of a party.

Marmitepeanutbutterandhoney · 05/03/2018 05:53

Oh OP, I don’t think that was very kind at all. It makes me feel quite sad actually.. not surprised the teacher emailed you. There were many different ways you could’ve handled it Sad

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/03/2018 05:54

Regardless of whether or not the other boy has been mean (what does this actually mean?) to your DS, it's not a good look to exclude one child.

I understand your position - if he really has genuinely been unkind or bullying to your child, then of course neither he nor you want him at your party - but having made the decision to exclude, you need to be ready to defend it. Because to other people, you now look like the mean one.

I would want to be absolutely certain that the behaviour from the other child was really intolerable, otherwise I'd be encouraging my child to 'be the bigger person', 'offer an olive leaf', 'bury the hatchet' and all those other clichés.

Whenwillitgeteasier · 05/03/2018 05:54

To invite all the other boys except one isn't nice and isn't likely to improve things between your son and the 'mean' boy.

ChaosNeverRains · 05/03/2018 05:57

It’s all about context. On the face of it it’s very understandable why your DS wouldn’t want to invite this child to his party if they have had issues in the past.

However, if you’re having a whole class party or all one gender party i.e. he has invited all of the boys and has excluded only one then in truth no, that’s not on. Especially as these invites were clearly given out in class and in sight of all of the other children.

Also, I’d be wondering about why you’re only just aware of these issues now that it’s come round to party time and why your DS hasn’t previously made you aware that there are problems between him and this one child? Are you sure that the other child is the mean one and that it’s not your DS being deliberately exclusionary?

Raindancer411 · 05/03/2018 06:01

I think personally it is bad of the teacher to do that. Yes she could have had a quiet word in person but what if there was only that number of spaces full stop, is she going to put the money forward.

In another view, inviting the boy may have improved the relationship? What are you doing about it all now OP?

EllieMe · 05/03/2018 06:01

No way would an adult invite someone who treated them badly to a party and the same should apply to children. Only on Mumsnet do people think a bully should be invited.

Not any of the teacher's business. Tell her the tension was there already in the way this boy treated your son.

bluebells1 · 05/03/2018 06:10

The other child was making your child uncomfortable. You are not under any obligation to invite him. The teacher can piss off and mind her own business. Bullies need to be excluded.

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 05/03/2018 06:16

Given that your son only told you about this boys 'mean' behaviour when deciding who was being invited then I imagine it's not a bullying issue.

I think you were totally unreasonable and unkind. For a teacher to email you over it makes me think the excluded child isn't the ogre you and your son have painted, and is probably very upset.

Dozer · 05/03/2018 06:19

Poor form to invite all but one.

Marmitepeanutbutterandhoney · 05/03/2018 06:21

We have no idea he is a bully for goodness sake!!

ZoeWashburne · 05/03/2018 06:24

I think that was pretty heartless. Considering you didn’t know this boy was ‘mean’ until the party list, I don’t think it is a bullying issue. Did you ask your son what this boy does that is mean? I think that will influence the outcome a lot. Is he a bully? Or is he a SN kid who may be too direct and inadvertently mean? I think you just completely jumped the gun here without getting to the bottom of it.

EllieMe · 05/03/2018 06:25

We have no idea he is a bully for goodness sake!!

But we know he's mean to OP's son. Not sure what else you call it.

LolitaLempicka · 05/03/2018 06:26

Sounds like your son is the ‘mean boy’. I think you were quite nasty to exclude one child, maybe next time it will be your son who is left out.

coolwalking · 05/03/2018 06:28

YANBU kids need to toughen up or realise the consequences of their actions. It is a private function nothing to do with school so the teacher should not be involved. Perhaps invites should have been sent outside school if it causes such a drama.

Bullying is never ok and I can't believe people would invite their childs Bully to their house.

aleC4 · 05/03/2018 06:29

I see both sides of this but the party can't get over is a teacher emailing!
I teach year 1 and there are issues over birthday parties all the time. No one can invite everyone.
I can't see how it is any of the teacher's business and can't understand how she genuinely has time to get involved in things like this!
As a teacher, kids parties can be a pain in the bum, especially when parents start asking you to chase up replies!
As a parent I know it is annoying waiting for replies but o would never dream of involving the teacher.
Personally I think it is your call about the party and you should not feel pressured to make your son invite someone he doesn't like.

Original poster
Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 06:33

Thanks for the replies. I had known from before that my son does not like this boy, but it was only when he did not list his name that he gave me the examples. The other boy apparently grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him forcefully down to the ground.

I agree it is unfortunate that it was only one boy who was not chosen, as it makes it stand out a lot more, but wouldn't that at least send a message to the boy that his behaviour is unacceptable? Surely at 9 years old kids need to learn that their behaviour has consequences?

OP posts:
ToesInWater · 05/03/2018 06:34

As someone else has said, if there was a real problem with this boy you would know about it already. Kids that age are fickle in friendships, if you were having a smaller party fair enough but leaving out just one kid is not on - I would expect you may well find some of the other kids’ parents decline the invite if it becomes common knowledge that you deliberately excluded one boy and if you allowed your son to hand out his party invites to all the other kids at school that’s just nasty.

echt · 05/03/2018 06:35

This is why the school should not be the medium for invites.

Find out addresses and send them that way.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 05/03/2018 06:37

Yanbu
If your DS doesn’t get on with this boy why would you invite him.
That’s way out of line for the teacher to email you, it’s non of her business. When my DS had his party he was allowed to invite 7 because it was at lazer zone and quite expensive. Usually thier are 9 of them in his little group at school so he couldn’t invite 2 of them. He knew who he wanted to invite. The other 2 were the people he least got on with. At the end of the day it’s your sons birthday he is old enough to decide who he wants there. Don’t feel guilty about it.

worstwitch18 · 05/03/2018 06:38

In the future just send the invitations out via post or by texting parents. By year 4/5 whole class (or all boys from the class) parties get rarer. The only issue I think would be if your son handed them out in front of the excluded boy.

Why should your son have someone who he doesn't like at his party?

SpareASquare · 05/03/2018 06:42

Nasty.

I don't think your son should invite someone he doesn't like but excluding one boy is awful. And if you are going to do that, handing out the invitations at school where you know they are all going to talk about it is about as mean as you can get. Poor behaviour from you OP

pictish · 05/03/2018 06:42

There will be those that argue that it is ok to leave a child who is disliked by the birthday kid off the invitation list, but I’m of the opinion that it’s an absolute dick move if the omission is obvious...as in this case.
If there was any real contention between the lads that justified such an ostracisation, you’d have heard all about it before now and been in touch with school to deal with it. You haven’t so there isn’t.
I’m not surprised the teacher had a word. To leave one lad out is mean.

greendale17 · 05/03/2018 06:43

No way would an adult invite someone who treated them badly to a party and the same should apply to children. Only on Mumsnet do people think a bully should be invited.

^This. You have done the right thing OP. I would never have invited the other boy either.

dustarr73 · 05/03/2018 06:45

Well to be fair if you handed the invites out in school,you involved the teacher.
I think not to invite 1 child is mean.Especially as you dont know how "mean" the other boy is.Have you been up to see the teacher about this boy before or is it the first you have heard of it.