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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my son not to invite a mean boy to his party?

356 replies

Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 05:46

My oldest is turning 9 and normally we have only ever had family birthday parties. This year we have allowed him to have a friends birthday party for the first time.

I asked him who he wanted to invite and he listed eight names, which are all the boys from his class except one. When I asked why he did not want to invite that one boy, he said that he is mean to him all the time and gave me some examples. Given this boy's behaviour, I didn't see any reason to encourage my son to invite him.

This morning, after my son handed out the party invitations yesterday afternoon, I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Should 9 year olds be expected to invite kids who are mean to them to their own parties, just to not 'create tension' in the classroom?

OP posts:
Original poster
Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 08:29

The call went very well.

I explained that we did not want to cause any upset but my son had specified her son to not be invited due to certain behaviour. I asked whether her own son had complained of the same behaviour from my son and she said no but that he never tells her anything that is happening at school.

I asked if she could talk to her son about this and let me know how it goes, because on the one hand we don't want her son to be upset but on the other hand I can't ask my son to invite him if he feels her son is being unkind to him.

She completely agreed and complained that sometimes she sees her son being treated badly by a neighbour's son who drops round to play all the time and they don't know how to deal with it.

She will speak to her boy after school and will let me know how it goes. I told her we would love to see her son at the party but it has to be when the boys themselves feel that everything is clear between them.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 05/03/2018 08:30

Victim blaming. What nonsense. One can be a victim and a perpetrator. Life isn’t black and white.

TITANIUMPINS · 05/03/2018 08:33

Aw well done @busyworkingmumof4 I was going to say hopefully the mum is lovely and sounds like she is. There was a child at our school always trouble for the other kids. hat made a difference was the mother was so lovely and very understanding when she was approached , turns out he had undiagnosed autism and he is much better now that they are getting the relevant help. Hope it all goes well !!!

Twinkie1 · 05/03/2018 08:40

So you guys all think that you should force a child to spend time on what should be a happy occasion, a safe, happy occasion with someone who physically abuses them and makes them feel upset, what just because they're a child? Would you expect a grown up woman to invite an abusive work colleague to her party as not to hurt his/her feelings?

Mrsmadevans · 05/03/2018 08:41

Twinkle if you had rtft then you would know that not everyone here thought that my dear.

TITANIUMPINS · 05/03/2018 08:43

The OP said mean not bullying. This is the start of the OP finding out if its a clash of personalities or if there is real bullying in which case then no you probably wouldn't invite them if was full scale like some posters have described. I think the OP did the right thing she has called the mum so that they can get to the bottom of it.

Finderscrispy · 05/03/2018 08:45

There’s an awful lot of projection going on here, at the moment We only have one 9 year olds version of events that came about via a one off conversation.
I have been bullied and I know that there’s no way in hell I would have had the guts to make a stand by inviting all of my peer group to a party and make a point of excluding my bully.
And following on from ops update it sounds like the ‘bully’ might not be so much of a bully at all.
It is a good idea to try and resolve through child’s parent.

TITANIUMPINS · 05/03/2018 08:45

Also Twinkle1 I think adult scenarios are a completely different kettle of fish.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/03/2018 08:45

Good result OP. Hope it all works out well for both of them!

TITANIUMPINS · 05/03/2018 08:46

Actually the OP extropolated the relevant advice from the responses extremely well!

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/03/2018 08:48

OP - you sound way more reasonable (and kind) than a lot of people on this thread. Thanks

wakemeupbefore · 05/03/2018 08:50

Not RTT, however, if that one boy is mean to your son, is a bully, than absolutely, leave him out. Sob-stories about that being oh-so-mean are nonsensical as no-one is wringing hands when your son is left out/bullied.
Hopefully makes the bully think and reflect on the fact that he wasn't wanted and figure out why.
Angry

Steamcloud · 05/03/2018 08:51

Glad the call went well op! Sounds promising!

KERALA1 · 05/03/2018 08:59

Often teachers don't have a clue about unkind behaviour so don't buy that she is some all knowing deity.

Rumpled points make no sense it's the kids birthday supposed to be fun for him not a work networking event where mean and dull people have to be endured Hmm.

Weebo · 05/03/2018 08:59

Great stuff OP.

We are a long time at those school gates. It helps to be rational about these little things.

I would let the teacher know you and the other mum are working it out together. I'm sure she will be relieved.

Willow2017 · 05/03/2018 08:59

Larning to rub along with poople you hate is also a part of life. How will all these precious children cope in the workplace where most will have to work alongside people they really dislike day in day out

This isnt work.
If someone bullied you at work would you invite them to your house to a party with your friend's? I doubt it. Damm sure i wouldnt.

Outside school and work you dont have to spend on second with anyone who makes your life a misery.

flimflaminurjams · 05/03/2018 09:02

Wow nice bit of victim blaming here on MN Hmm

Don't invite the bully. That's what he is. If my DD had a party, there is a kid in her class who wouldn't be getting invited, for she is not a pleasant child, is nasty and physically bullies a number of children.

Its your child's birthday. A time to celebrate with friends. Not have it ruined by having someone there that they don't want to have there. These kids are 9. I'll bet this kid doesn't get invited to other parties for the same reason. Stick to your guns and support your son's choice.

Don't think the teacher was right to tell you to include a child, but was probably peed off because it might cause tension in her class and give her a problem she needs to deal with if bully child is grumpy because he didn't get an invite and they were given out on school premises.

Hope your son has a lovely time Cake.

MimpiDreams · 05/03/2018 09:06

We are overseas (three hours ahead of the UK).

I think this makes quite a difference. I'm also overseas and where I am is absolutely not acceptable to exclude a child like this and could get you into a lot a trouble of with the school and make you and your child a social pariah.

bonbonours · 05/03/2018 09:11

I have always allowed my kids to choose who to invite to their parties. They know there is no requirement to be friends with everyone and certainly wouldn't invite someone they don't like.

Having said that I would want to find out more about why he says this boy is mean, is he a bully, is this just a one off falling out or what. I would be talking to the teacher about that.

martellandginger · 05/03/2018 09:12

Do not invite that boy to your sons party. I sound rude but so many MN will tell you that you should invite him. No way I say.

The teacher is wrong in this instance and has emailed you to let off steam.

KERALA1 · 05/03/2018 09:16

Also why is this escalated to bullying? You can not invite someone you don't really get along with that's allowed surely? My two have not been invited to parties by kids they don't really get along with or particularly play with. they don't give two hoots.

mygoditsfullofstars · 05/03/2018 09:18

I think you did the right thing OP, you are under no obligation to invite a bully to your son's party. Perhaps the bully will reflect on his behaviour and realise that actions have consequences?

MrsElvis · 05/03/2018 09:18

It would ruin your Ds birthday to be forced to have him there on his special day...

At my Dc's school the policy is they will hand out invites if all are invited.

If the whole class isn't invited then they expect the parents to discreetly hand to parents.

PaddlingShoes · 05/03/2018 09:21

Why should your son invite someone who is mean to him to his party? If you're mean then you miss out. It's not about him, it's about your son. Imagine if you invite him and then he spoils the party by being unkind. No. It's unfortunate that he was the only one not invited but it's also unfortunate that he was mean to your son!

bonbonours · 05/03/2018 09:22

Also someone's birthday is the one time when they are the special one so their feelings trump others and they shouldn't have to put up with someone they don't like.

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