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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my son not to invite a mean boy to his party?

356 replies

Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 05:46

My oldest is turning 9 and normally we have only ever had family birthday parties. This year we have allowed him to have a friends birthday party for the first time.

I asked him who he wanted to invite and he listed eight names, which are all the boys from his class except one. When I asked why he did not want to invite that one boy, he said that he is mean to him all the time and gave me some examples. Given this boy's behaviour, I didn't see any reason to encourage my son to invite him.

This morning, after my son handed out the party invitations yesterday afternoon, I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Should 9 year olds be expected to invite kids who are mean to them to their own parties, just to not 'create tension' in the classroom?

OP posts:
Rumpledfaceskin · 05/03/2018 08:07

Faulty in many industries and work places you have do have to socialise and network outside of office hours on a very regular basis and not just with the people you like. I’d say you’re quite lucky in your job if you don’t.

RowenasDiadem · 05/03/2018 08:07

This one is a difficult one. If your son just doesn't really like the kid because he's 'mean' but there's no real bullying issue then it is kind of bad singling him out. However, if he is the clear class/your child's bully which has required school calling, you speaking to parents or teachers, banning your son from playing with him or all the other things involved with dealing with a bully then it is completely acceptable to not invite him and his parent should be able to figure out why.

Handing out invites at school in front of him would be a dick move though.

Steamcloud · 05/03/2018 08:09

Busywork sorry, have just read your update that you are going to call his mum; good luck and hope your son has a lovely party!

GlitteryFluff · 05/03/2018 08:09

Hope the call to his mum goes ok.

Socksey · 05/03/2018 08:12

Just a little food for thought 're the bullying etc not having been raised before....
I was unmercilesdly bullied at school for 7 years from age 10. This involved verbal and physical abuse as well as social exclusion. I am not on the ASD spectrum but was the weird mid (parents dressed me in wired stuff and I was a bit nerdy but also like 'boys games)..... my parents were only aware of 2 incidents in the whole time despite me changing from an extroverted bouncy child to an introvert who never spoke.... schools did nothing.... so with all the best will in the world it's possible for the parents not to know.... and not all pushing retaliatory.... I verbally retaliated once and was made to suffer by the whole class for weeks

Idontdowindows · 05/03/2018 08:14

This whole business of having to invite your bully or else they may feel left out is rather ridiculous.

Rule used to be age +1 (so 5 year old gets to invite 6 kids etc.) and now it's "everyone and their uncle just so that no one gets to feel left out:?

Bullies need to be left out. Children shouldn't be forced to invite children they do not want at their birthday parties.

You get left out sometimes in life, and that stinks, but that is the way it goes and at 9, you're really not too young to realise that there are things that you're simply not invited to or can't do.

Mrsmadevans · 05/03/2018 08:15

I feel the teacher sounds oblivious to the boys behaviour to your DS Op . If she was aware, then surely she wouldn't be interfering .

TITANIUMPINS · 05/03/2018 08:15

While I understand the reasons esp if the boy has been repeatedly mean to leave just one person out when they are 9 is very very sad. Just think how you would feel if your DS had been the only one not invited. @greendale I think an adult scenario is different really I DO as adults are better equiped to deal with that. It might have been better to invite and perhaps have a word with his mother. For all you know there may be some underlying issues with the child.

KERALA1 · 05/03/2018 08:18

At 9 invite who you want. Be discreet though. I text / email parents now under the radar. Parties get smaller as they get older, kids are clearer about who their pals are it's perfectly normal to invite a smaller group for a more expensive activity. The days of inviting every child in the class / neighbourhood for fear of angering a helicopter parent are over.

Willow2017 · 05/03/2018 08:18

I never invited the kid who bullied my son to any party. Bullies dont all have sen some are just nasty and enjoy hurting others.
Its my sons party he doesnt have to invite anyone who makes his life miserable just for 'appearances' sake.

Sod that. If you bully someone dont expect people to want to spend more time with you than they have to.
Teachers here dont have anything to do with outside school matters.

Its not your sons nor your job to 'teach' this kid to behave. If parents and teachers are not stopping the bullying as it is i would be taking it further and asking to speak to teacher about it.

Frogscotch7 · 05/03/2018 08:19

You don't have to invite the mean kid. Just invite a smaller group. Having everyone except the mean kid is utterly horrible. If your son is being bullied you need to school to deal with it, bullying isn't resolved by passive aggressive bs like being the only boy not invited, it just makes you look like a bully. I feel sorry for the other boy.

user838383 · 05/03/2018 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finderscrispy · 05/03/2018 08:21

I would wonder what the other boys version of events was and if your son is truly being picked on, is he not worried about retaliation from the mean boy.
Very brave of him to single out the bully through exclusion.

TITANIUMPINS · 05/03/2018 08:21

Sorry I just realised you had updated as well and I agree with everything you said - hope the call goes well!

LagunaBubbles · 05/03/2018 08:21

The teacher - who spends her days with these boys - has said that this is creating tension. That tension will cause problems with her son

Could be like the teacher that let despite numerous trips to school about this bully allowed him to be alone with my DS long enough to assualt him. The school started taking it a bit more seriously when the Police became involved.

Mrsmadevans · 05/03/2018 08:22

I don't feel at all sorry for the other boy . I feel sorry for the OPs son who has to put up with this bully day in day out with a teacher in the class, who seems totally oblivious to the childs behaviour toward him.

TITANIUMPINS · 05/03/2018 08:23

I think you should call her and just say what you said that your DS mentioned he has been rather mean but you wouldn't want to see any child singled out and you thought it would be good to hear his side and resolve any bad feeling between the boys. Do you know the mum at all?

NotTakenUsername · 05/03/2018 08:25

but wouldn't that at least send a message to the boy that his behaviour is unacceptable?

This is horrible. You excluded one boy you hardly know based on one conversation with your 9 year old. You sound like the bully in this scenario. I’m sure your ds has never done anything to make someone in his class not like him very much? Hmm

MidniteScribbler · 05/03/2018 08:26

Teachers here dont have anything to do with outside school matters.

When invitations get bought into school, it is no longer an outside school matter.

marfmarf · 05/03/2018 08:26

Just a thought tho,his party might be a start a new friendship between them... Wink

Willow2017 · 05/03/2018 08:27

little
what caused the other boy to push your ds to the ground. In my experience this behaviour doesn't come for no reason- its usually defensive or retaliation. Kicking, punching, pinching, hair pulling, name calling, usually when they think adults arent looking have been the sort of things the "mean" person have done.

Bullying usually happens when an adult gives permission to others that it is ok to exclude/hurt/take from a child. You have given that permission, the teacher has tried to intervene to withdraw that permission. I know who looks mean from my point of view and it's not the one child who has been singled out for exclusion.

What tosh. The kid at my kids school was a little shit. Walking up to my son when he was changing for gym amd whacking him across the face because "he liked hurtung people cos thier reaction was funny" was not in response to anything. Neither was any of the other crap he pulled on him and other kids.

Nice bit of victim blaming there.

GU24Mum · 05/03/2018 08:27

It feels mean to have excluded just one child from a group. IIMO, it's not really the point that OP left out lots of (all) the girls - it's that from a group within a group, all but one have been invited.

For the PPs with the office analogies - it's the same surely as when just one person from a team isn't invited out. Sure, there may be lots of others in the office who aren't going but if there are 7 in a team/group and only one is left out, that feels mean.

We try and have a "half plus one" rule - if there are 10 boys in the class, DS could invite 5 plus himself but otherwise had to invite the whole lot. [the numbers don't work with smaller groups but hopefully the idea makes sense]. I don't force mine to invite someone they don't like but they then have to choose between inviting him/her or having a smaller group.

LagunaBubbles · 05/03/2018 08:28

I’m sure your ds has never done anything to make someone in his class not like him very much?

Funny enough that was the attitude of my sons bullies Mum to, she could never see just how awful her DS was being, it was always everyone elses fault.

demirose87 · 05/03/2018 08:28

I'm torn on this one. On one hand, it's horrible for the one child to be excluded like that and could be seen as bullying behaviour, but on the other it's not fair on your son to have a child there that's mean to your son and could potentially ruin his birthday.
I don't think the teacher was right to say that and it's not really the school's business who is invited to a party out of school hours.
There's a child in my son's class who has severe behaviour problems and he isn't invited to a lot of parties as he can be violent and hard to control.

LagunaBubbles · 05/03/2018 08:29

The victim blaming on this thread is absolutely disgusting.