to allow my son not to invite a mean boy to his party?

[Busyworkingmumof4]

My oldest is turning 9 and normally we have only ever had family birthday parties. This year we have allowed him to have a friends birthday party for the first time.

I asked him who he wanted to invite and he listed eight names, which are all the boys from his class except one. When I asked why he did not want to invite that one boy, he said that he is mean to him all the time and gave me some examples. Given this boy's behaviour, I didn't see any reason to encourage my son to invite him.

This morning, after my son handed out the party invitations yesterday afternoon, I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Should 9 year olds be expected to invite kids who are mean to them to their own parties, just to not 'create tension' in the classroom?

His party, his choice
I dont buy into this bs of invite all. Why should i pay for a kid to have a good time due to my kids birthday if they dont hang out rest of the year or they bully my kid?
Screw that
Like it or not, not every kid will get along and thats OK. A kid isnt entitled to attend a party just cos they in same class

Pretty sure when I had parties as a kiddie I never invited every kid from my class. I invited those I was closer friends with. The only time everyone got invited was when it was a special birthday and my mom used the local church hall. Other than that is was a few select friends at my house.

Your kids party, your kids choice who they invite. Why force your child to invite someone they’re not keen on or don’t hang around with much? And Teachers wouldn’t have dreamed of getting involved in those kinds of things when I was at school!

Anyway, I’m glad you’ve sorted it OP. Sounds like you’re a lovely person with a fair attitude.

It's entirely up to you who you invite to what. lt's absolutely nothing to do with the teacher whatsoever.

YANBU, unfortunate that he just happens to be the only boy not invited but I don’t see how that should make a difference given his own behaviour. Kids need to be taught that bad actions have bad consequences. If you invite him anyway his behaviour will basically be being rewarded and rug swept. Yes I get it may improve the relationship and put a stop to it but it might not. It might have the opposite affect and he may think I can get away with it so I’m going to keep doing it. I think everyone’s being a bit unfair calling you unreasonable given that you didn’t know he was the only boy not being invited. As for the teacher saying about the ‘school motto’ I’m pretty sure being mean to other kids goes against that. If i was in your position I would just tell the teacher straight you’ve been made aware of this boys behaviour towards your son and don’t want him in your home. It’s your house and your sons birthday don’t feel obligated to invite because it’s ‘unfair’.

At 9, they are still children who are learning how to behave
& find their place in the world & to not invite him because he 'isn't nice' is awful. Not inviting him to the party would be extremely hurtful. Imagine if it was your son not invited.

I’m sorry, but I think this has nothing to do with school and they should have no right to tell you what to do in the privacy of your own home. Your son doesn’t like the bully but the bully is being rewarded with a party invite because the teacher says “it isn’t fair”?

Life isn’t fair and at 9 years old, children should know right from wrong. And bad behaviour should not be rewarded.

Op, if it’s going to cause that much of a problem, I’d be tempted to cancel and tell your son to choose three friends for an evening out bowling/laser tag/whatever is wanted and then explain to the others’ parents exactly why you’ve had to cancel.

I’m surprised the teacher didn’t accuse you of being sexist by not inviting any girls!

@springprim
Imagine your boy is the one being bullied and he spends most of his own party hiding or fastened to your leg because he doesn’t want the bully to do anything to him.

Very enjoyable birthday!

For fucks sake, he wasn't being fucking bullied. Is it really that difficult to understand?

His party, his choice, as someone else said. The only question was whether or not the party invites could have been handed out elsewhere, which may not have been an easy option.

oh FFS!! The boy is a bully and the child doesn't want him to come to his party! What the hell is the issue??
The teacher is out of order for sending that email.
The child has a right to invite who HE wants to HIS party.
I would reply to the teacher..."I'm sorry, but what I do outside school hours is up to me. My son doesn't want him there because he's a bully and I support his decision."
Honestly, bloody snowflake mentality!

It's not a bullying issue, @Dotty1969 read the thread! This has been resolved now.

If this boy is mean and horrible to your son, why should he be rewarded and get invited to your sons party! Tough if the school doesn't like it, what can they do about it! Zilch that's what. All this pc stuff etc drives me effing mad. It's your sons birthday and if he doesn't want the bully there, fair play to him. If the kid thinks it's unfair then perhaps he should be told that if you are mean to people then you have to expect to be left out and disappointed. Makes my blood boil all this goody two shoes no matter what crap!

PS. Sorry but nrtft

Adults invite disliked people all the time...and then complain about it on mn.

This was unnecessarily cruel. You could have had a couple good friends over instead. Now it is a brouhaha and you may have given permission to isolate this mean boy which will not help either child.

Sometimes ds will not like someone for a variety of reasons but school is like work; professional environment and unfortunately, this seems to be a "teaching moment." I am sorry.

Can MNHQ not ban these idiots who refuse to RTFT? It's making this place unreadable.

All this pc stuff etc drives me effing mad.

Do you know what drives me 'effing mad'?

People who don't even have the cop on to read at least the OP's posts, before wading in with their worthless opinions.

THE THREAD HAS MOVED ON.

This thread has split in two , one dealing with OPs particular situation - which has been solved, and the other with the general notion of inviting bullies to parties just to be 'inclusive'.
Glad OPs sorted; can't believe the number of posters who believe that it would be ever so horrible not to invite the bully as it hurts his/her feelings
Leaves one to believe the latter types are the parents of 'spirited', 'misunderstood', 'energetic' children who might well be making other/s lives a daily misery.
There was a question above - what if it was your child not invited? I would be absolutely aghast and would get to the bottom of it very quickly; there's absolutely no way I would allow or condone behaviour by my DC that others consider 'unkind' or to call spade a spade - bullying.
My DC would go through a massive de-bullying programme starting with apologies all round to those affected.
I will not raise bullies and would be utterly ashamed at being so out-of-touch and unaware parent.

Not really how I interpreted the thread @wakemeup - most of the people advocating that OP wasn’t right to exclude the child were saying so in these particular circumstances - there was no known history of issues between the the two boys, and the reason for excluding the child wasn’t explored.
And I can’t believe the venom towards a 9 yr old from a group of so-called adults about how to deal with a child who might have just pushed too far in a mutually entered into game. What would you do if it was your child? Do you honestly believe your kids are angels when they’re not with you? Be realistic, kids are playing with emotions and interactions with others and will get it wrong sometimes and need support from adults to deal with these situations. This must and cannot be confused with genuine bullying, and undermines the experience of those who have been genuinely bullied. People seem to react disproportionately when the word ‘bullying’ is mentioned, even when the description of behaviour doesn’t warrant the term.

I know exactly what you mean, @Shrimpy1234 I remember being informed that my DD2 had hurt her best friend. She was going to be accompanied at play time as a consequence, but the teacher wanted me to ask her what had happened from her POV as she wouldn't talk to her.

I managed to glean from DD2 that she'd tried to push into the queue in order to stand next to her friend. Obviously she shouldn't have done that, but there was clearly no malice intended, and the teacher accepted my explanation and that was the end of it. The girls are still friends.

Ok she was in reception then, 9 year olds should have more awareness than that, but children can get carried away with a game, which is why they need some adult supervision at this age.

Bullying is nothing like that, as those of us who have been bullied know only too well.

I think you were being U OP. While I understand not inviting someone who you don't get on with to a party, to invite all but one boy to a party is a bit cruel. Especially in year 4 as thats still quite young.. i say this because the same thing happened to me at school. Out of 30 I was that one child who wasnt invited. I wasnt close to the girl in question but it wasnt the point. You dont invite everyone bar one. Thats just nasty. I can see why the teacher got involved and I hope you have a good think about it and realise how you or your DS would feel if the show was on the other foot. Especially as you weren't aware there were any issues prior to the invites.

and the other with the general notion of inviting bullies to parties just to be 'inclusive'.

Ah, no.

No-one would advocate inviting a bully to a party - or at least no reasonable person.

I'm not sure that you've read the OP, even.

We're discussing a child who has decided to leave one boy out apropos of nothing.

Apparently he was 'unkind' - yet it was news to the OP, so hardly some sustained bullying campaign.

Leaving one child out based on nothing but some vague whim of a child (who - it turns out - is actually the one being unkind) is wrong.

If you're happy to behave like that, and encourage your child to behave like that, then more power to you.

Other people though, are keen to question their own child, and try to be a bit more understanding and appreciative of the bigger picture. And not aid and abet their child to be unkind to a child who doesn't actually deserve it.

i can see it from both points of view he might come and disprupt the party or he might be the best behaved kids there

my daughter was the only girl in her class not invited to a party held by what she thought was a BF and believe me it was a nice situation to be in especially when the rest of the class talk about the party before and after it

has the boy got ASN

Jeez people - READ THE FULL TWEET

Teacher can piss off? None of teacher's business? Teacher can, however, take up class time allowing invites to be handed out and probably cut up cake for me. But don't dare comment on how it affects class dynamics or work done on school ethos.