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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my son not to invite a mean boy to his party?

356 replies

Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 05:46

My oldest is turning 9 and normally we have only ever had family birthday parties. This year we have allowed him to have a friends birthday party for the first time.

I asked him who he wanted to invite and he listed eight names, which are all the boys from his class except one. When I asked why he did not want to invite that one boy, he said that he is mean to him all the time and gave me some examples. Given this boy's behaviour, I didn't see any reason to encourage my son to invite him.

This morning, after my son handed out the party invitations yesterday afternoon, I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Should 9 year olds be expected to invite kids who are mean to them to their own parties, just to not 'create tension' in the classroom?

OP posts:
Rumpledfaceskin · 05/03/2018 07:06

It just looks pathetic and petty, like you’re trying to get back at this child in the most childish way possible. At 9 kids still fall in and out of friendships. You only know your child's side of the story too, which I think is a big mistake. How do you know that your son has never pushed him? Good on the teacher for calling you out in this, and to me it would also suggest that the teacher knows more than you do. Probably that it’s 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. I’d be embarrassed.

HorsesCourses · 05/03/2018 07:07

Absolutely, invite who you like to your DC's party.
Invitations could have been given out more discretely. If they are given out in class, then perhaps it allows the teacher to get involved.
Give them out away from the classroom. Keep school out of a private party, keep it separate.
Find out more about the 'mean' boy. If he is mean, he is doing all the things the teacher has accused you of. The teacher should acknowledge and address this. If your DC simply doesn't want to invite this boy, he doesn't have to exaggerate to justify it. He simply invites the friends he likes to fill the spaces available.

Ginandplatonic · 05/03/2018 07:08

All those saying it’s fine to not invite one child, and you wouldn’t invite an adult you don’t like, there are threads on here all the time saying “AIBU to be really upset that work colleagues/school mums/group of acquaintances all went out last night and didn’t invite me” and the consensus is always “they’re bitches/not your real friends/distance yourself”. Yet it’s ok to be really nasty to a child where there is no major background of bullying.

NorthernKnickers · 05/03/2018 07:10

@dustarr73 but he's NOT in a group of 10. He's in a class of probably 20 or more. Just 9 of them are boys! And he's mean and (more crucially in this instance!!) IS NOT FRIENDS WITH THE PARTY BOY. So no, if I was in an office of 20, and NOT friends with Tracey because she was a butch and Tracey was having a birthday party on Saturday and had invited 8 of the 20 office staff but not me (because I'm not friends with her!!) then no, I wouldn't be in the least bit bothered...why would I. She's not my friend 🙄 Get a grip! It's not unfair to not be invited to something if you are not the friend of the host!!! Why is that so difficult to accept??

EllieMe · 05/03/2018 07:11

if you where in a group of say 10 people and they all went for coffee but they left you out.You would be ok with that.Somehow i doubt it.

If I'd pushed them over then I'd be very surprised to be invited.

gussyfinknottle · 05/03/2018 07:11

Why invite a bully? Yes it could have been done with more discretion but they are kids. It's hard to.
Not the teacher's business who is invited.
And I speak as one who rarely got invites as a kid.

macbethh · 05/03/2018 07:12

*Given that your son only told you about this boys 'mean' behaviour when deciding who was being invited then I imagine it's not a bullying issue.

I think you were totally unreasonable and unkind. For a teacher to email you over it makes me think the excluded child isn't the ogre you and your son have painted, and is probably very upset.*

This^

Spikeyball · 05/03/2018 07:13

Presumably all this happened last week rather than yesterday and this morning.

Faultymain5 · 05/03/2018 07:15

@daydreamnation What an unkind thing to do, excluding one child makes the child and also the parents feel sad.

So I don't only have to look after my family, children and elderly relatives, I also have to be responsible for everyone else. There is only so much of me to go round. Maybe if I'm aware of an SEN issue, I might consider it, but at this point, we only know the child is mean to the Ops DS and they are not friends.

Everytime I see an invite to a party thread someone brings up SEN. Sometimes, just sometimes, kids are mean to each other and just don't like each other. They're allowed not to be friends. Not allowed to be mean, but they also need to learn if they are mean to someone who is not their friend they won't be invited to that child's events.

Their 9 at what point do you all start teaching your kids that actions have consequences? And no the Ops DS cannot expect to be invited to the other child's party either.

Original poster
Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 07:16

We are overseas (three hours ahead of the UK). So yes it was yesterday and this morning.

I suggested above maybe I should call the mum and just discuss things with her. Maybe that could resolve things sensibly?

OP posts:
Spikeyball · 05/03/2018 07:21

I was wondering how the teacher knows about this on a Monday morning.

EllieMe · 05/03/2018 07:23

Don't talk to the mother, it won't end well.

You've done nothing wrong, OP.

ToadOfToadHallSingsTillLate · 05/03/2018 07:23

I think it's fine not to invite him. Why would he invite someone who's mean to him?? I presume he's not invited quite a lot of girls who are nice to him, and I'm sure they'll get over it, just as this mean boy will get over it.

In my sons class the children invite who they want. Sure he's been invited to some when others haven't, and vice versa, but that's life! We talk about it and he understands. He's 6 for goodness sake! I'm sure at 9 these boys and girls will be just fine! and have the capacity to understand they get invited to some, not others!

Grrrr don't know why so many posters want your son to invite soneone he doesn't like to his party? Seems weird to me. This boy probably won't invite your son, and I'm sure he'll b fine with that as he doesn't like him. I dont get the issue.

And that teacher? .... wow! I personally think it's terrible of the teacher to email you like that. My sons teachers would never have done that. It's really not his place. Maybe talk to him and see what this was all about - maybe this mean kid has difficulties at the moment and the teacher is feeling over protective and concerned for his welfare

Frusso · 05/03/2018 07:24

So you ask ds who he wants to invite, then because his teacher says it's "unfair," you then if you do backtrack and invite a child that ds does not want to invite. Your ds will remember this.
School ethos is irrelevant since it's not in school time.

I'd be very tempted to email the teacher and point out that she has over stepped the mark, but on this occasion I won't be taking it further.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/03/2018 07:26

There will be those that argue that it is ok to leave a child who is disliked by the birthday kid off the invitation list, but I’m of the opinion that it’s an absolute dick move if the omission is obvious...as in this case.
If there was any real contention between the lads that justified such an ostracisation, you’d have heard all about it before now and been in touch with school to deal with it. You haven’t so there isn’t.
I’m not surprised the teacher had a word. To leave one lad out is mean.

This word for word.
Thanks for saving my early morning tired brain Pictish Wink

Weebo · 05/03/2018 07:26

I know I would appreciate a call if I were this boys mum.

Have a chat and see what she says.

Kids are petty, fickle little things when it comes to this stuff. They will probably be best mates next week.

Faultymain5 · 05/03/2018 07:27

@Busyworkingmumof4

Do what you think is right. But if your DS is just as mean to the other child, that will not be fixed by inviting the boy to the party. That is something to be discussed outside of that topic. You cannot force friendships. Though you can place children in situations to be receptive to the possibility.

I don't think based on the information you have given that you have done anything wrong and you shouldn't be shamed into anything that would make your DS uncomfortable in his own home.

coolwalking · 05/03/2018 07:27

You said this is his first party so I would definitely not back down. You want him to have a great time not worrying about a boy who has been mean to him.

Also it doesn't matter if it's just a 'kids being kids' scenario. Your child has said he doesn't want him there so end of. If they become friends later down the line then great!

MidniteScribbler · 05/03/2018 07:33

I don't allow party invitations to be given out in my class unless the whole class is invited. Do it outside the gate, but you will not come into my classroom, pointing out loudly the chosen ones, and giving pointed looks at those not invited. Talking loudly about how much fun you are going to have and what you are going to do. It's a good life lesson - STFU when what you are saying could be hurtful to people.

LagunaBubbles · 05/03/2018 07:33

No way on earth would I invite someone my child didn't want at their birthday party, what kind if message would that send out to your own child - that it didn't matter how horrible they were to you, you would still have to invite them?

Weebo · 05/03/2018 07:34

Cool, my DS1 and his school friends have all fell out with each other on occasion.

Surely it's better to try and sort this than be stubborn and risk something fixable blowing up?

Booboobooboo84 · 05/03/2018 07:35

This is crazy. It’s your sons birthday it’s about him and who he wants at his party. I would reply to the teacher and advise why your son didn’t want him there. Advise that should the other boys behaviour towards your ds improve then you may consider inviting him to his next party but as it stands regardless of the school ethos your family ethos is that in your home people are kind to one another.

The worlds gone mad. Learning to deal with dissapointment and being left out of opportunities is part of life

justilou1 · 05/03/2018 07:36

I would also suggest to the teacher that your son's constant bullying is unreasonable, but nobody wants to take a positive stance on that, so this is what you have chosen to do. Consequences for bad behaviour, etc.

OneInEight · 05/03/2018 07:37

If exclusion lead to improved behaviour my ds's would be saints by now! sadly it doesn't.

LagunaBubbles · 05/03/2018 07:37

No wonder some children grow up to think the world owes them a living to going by some of the attitudes here. My DS was badly bullied by another boy when they were all 10, he's never learned actions have consequences still.