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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my son not to invite a mean boy to his party?

356 replies

Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 05:46

My oldest is turning 9 and normally we have only ever had family birthday parties. This year we have allowed him to have a friends birthday party for the first time.

I asked him who he wanted to invite and he listed eight names, which are all the boys from his class except one. When I asked why he did not want to invite that one boy, he said that he is mean to him all the time and gave me some examples. Given this boy's behaviour, I didn't see any reason to encourage my son to invite him.

This morning, after my son handed out the party invitations yesterday afternoon, I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Should 9 year olds be expected to invite kids who are mean to them to their own parties, just to not 'create tension' in the classroom?

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercups21 · 05/03/2018 06:48

He is not a bully though, is he?

You had never heard your DS mention this boy before?

NorthernKnickers · 05/03/2018 06:49

They are 9, not 4, they'll not be that bothered about a bloody party of someone they're not even friends with! And it's not 'the whole class', it's just 'some children' from the class who happen to be boys. We don't invite people we don't like to go for coffee, or to have lunch or whatever. I'm sick to death of hearing on here that these things are unfair! No, they aren't! I'd be MORE surprised to be invited to a party where I'm NOT friends with that person...why would I expect an invite? That's just weird! Precious mums need to back the hell off...Jesus! Put those helicopters away for once!

crazydoglady6867 · 05/03/2018 06:49

If the teacher was doing her job properly, she would spot the tensions in the dynamics of the group already. I think he was brave to not invite him and the teacher is out of order to force your hand to get your son invite a bully to his party. Stick to your guns, please don’t let this bully win.

Lanaa · 05/03/2018 06:51

It isn't nasty at all. As a PP said, there's no way you'd invite someone you didn't like to a part as an adult, so why do we expect children to put up with poor behaviour?

The posters calling the OP and her son mean need to get a grip. Not everyone likes everyone else. While children should be taught tolerance, kindness and respect, they shouldn't be taught to be a pushover and have special occasions ruined.

OP YANBU. The teacher shouldn't have emailed you. I'd be tempted to tell her that she should have noticed this going on and put a stop to it. Then it wouldn't have come to this.

thisagain · 05/03/2018 06:51

I couldn't leave one child out.

frumpety · 05/03/2018 06:51

I think handing out the invites at school in front of the child you are excluding is mean . Most 8 or 9 year old children would be upset by it. I am not convinced that the excluded child will see it as a consequence of their actions either , it reinforces the idea that being mean is OK and acceptable doesn't it .

whoareyoukidding · 05/03/2018 06:53

It's your home, your child's birthday party and if he doesn't like one of his classmates I see no earthly reason why he should have to invite him. Also, I think it outrageous that the teacher has got involved. I would feel like complaining to the school, since when was she the party police? Bloody cheek.

dustarr73 · 05/03/2018 06:53

@NorthernKnickers if you where in a group of say 10 people and they all went for coffee but they left you out.You would be ok with that.Somehow i doubt it.

My kids know they cant be invited to everything but to leave 1 out is just mean

CampariSpritz · 05/03/2018 06:54

I agree with you OP. Why should your DS have to invite someone who is unkind to him? I would reply to the teacher, noting that who DS invites is none of her business, but for what it is worth, these are the reasons why he hasn’t been invited. Then she is on notice about the unkind behaviour.

Fletchasaurus · 05/03/2018 06:55

YANBU no chance would a bully be invited! I find it hard to believe people are saying that op should invite someone who is mean to get child. At 9 kids need to learn there are consequences!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/03/2018 06:55

These kids are 9!! It's not nursery or reception class. Why should he invite someone who he doesn't like?

Amanduh · 05/03/2018 06:55

I’d be speaking to the teacher if this boy is pushing him over all the time, why hasn’t he told someone before? That’s what needs to be sorted

sirlee66 · 05/03/2018 06:57

Actions have consequences. Bully pushes DS to the ground therefore not invited to DS's party.

A very good life lesson for the bully.

Really shocked at the amount of MNetters who would allow a bully at their child's party!

Anasnake · 05/03/2018 06:57

When it's the other child's birthday then no doubt your son will be the only one left out.

cafune7 · 05/03/2018 06:58

Even if he's not a bully, they don't have a good relationship, they're not friends and I am pretty sure none of us adults here would invite someone they don't like at their birthday party so why should a child do this?

I find the teacher quite intrusive tbh as we're talking about a PRIVATE life event (not school related) and it's not her business at all.

Collaborate · 05/03/2018 06:59

9-year-olds birthday parties are not social inclusion experiments in which supposed liberal values should be imposed on birthday child just so that some other parents' sense of what's right should be upheld.

Wrong of the teacher to get involved and pronounce judgment without hearing all sides of the story. Perhaps schedule a meeting with the teacher in which you return the focus on to this other child's behaviour, and ask what the school is going to do about it to give your son a happy school experience.

surferjet · 05/03/2018 06:59

My ds was the only boy not invited to a party once, not because the boy didn’t like my son, he did, but because the mum caught her dh looking at me a few times in the playground. I often wonder what she said to her son about not inviting my ds ( they were only 7 ) my ds was very upset.
Primary school parties cause so much anguish.

londonrach · 05/03/2018 07:00

In mn world yabu. In real life why would you want a child that you son thinks as mean invited to your home. Im on the fence. I think its the way you did it. Hard one. Dont think you can win either way op on this. At 8/9 no way would i have wanted two horrible girls (id call them bullies) in my class to my party. Luckily i never had a party so this didnt come up.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/03/2018 07:03

I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Easy rely to that!
"I quite agree it is not fair but there are always consequences to actions. I am not inclined to force my son to include boy he dislikes, to a birthday party. As I would imagine that bullying is also against the school motto I shall be in to discuss how you can help avoid this in future."

Mintychoc1 · 05/03/2018 07:03

YANBU to exclude mean boy. YWBU to allow your son to hand out invitations in front of everyone.

daydreamnation · 05/03/2018 07:04

99% of the time the 'mean' boy in my class has sen.
What an unkind thing to do, excluding one child makes the child and also the parents feel sad. I've had a number of tearful conversations over the years with already isolated, stressed parents, who are desperately sad that their child doesn't have the same set of social interaction skills of others and have to watch as they are excluded time and time again.
Good on your teacher, like me, she's probably had enough of such rotten behaviour from parents.

TournesoletLavande · 05/03/2018 07:05

If he were the only child in the class to be excluded I'd see her point, although it's still really none of her business, school does not get to dictate what happens outside of school. Being the only boy is a bit of a moot point. If there were a couple of girls on the guest list she wouldn't have batted an eyelid over the omission of one boy.

Surely at 9 years old kids need to learn that their behaviour has consequences?

I agree with you and I think children who are mean to others would be better served in the long run by the teacher speaking to their parents about why they are so unpopular, rather than by speaking to the parents of the children they are mean to.

Arapaima · 05/03/2018 07:05

OP, the problem is that, whether this boy is a bully or not, you have lost the moral high ground by leaving out just one child. Your son is now the one who has done a mean thing.

Personally I would have invited all the children and supervised this boy carefully to make sure he didn’t cause any problems.

Faultymain5 · 05/03/2018 07:05

Their 9. Not 6. This is a non-issue.

They learn discernment at this age. Parties are more expensive and parents can't invite everyone.

The only thing I would have tried to do was been more discreet with handing out invitations.

But overall, non-friends should not be invited.

Original poster
Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 07:06

I'm thinking of calling the boy's mum. Maybe I could say to her that we do want to invite the boy but first we need to make sure that they resolve things. Maybe she will tell me that her son's version is that it is my son who is mean to her boy, so maybe it would be worth discussing?

OP posts: