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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to allow my son not to invite a mean boy to his party?

356 replies

Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 05:46

My oldest is turning 9 and normally we have only ever had family birthday parties. This year we have allowed him to have a friends birthday party for the first time.

I asked him who he wanted to invite and he listed eight names, which are all the boys from his class except one. When I asked why he did not want to invite that one boy, he said that he is mean to him all the time and gave me some examples. Given this boy's behaviour, I didn't see any reason to encourage my son to invite him.

This morning, after my son handed out the party invitations yesterday afternoon, I received an email from the class teacher telling me that to have one boy excluded from the party is "not fair" and has "created tension" and "goes against the school motto".

Should 9 year olds be expected to invite kids who are mean to them to their own parties, just to not 'create tension' in the classroom?

OP posts:
Rumpledfaceskin · 05/03/2018 07:38

Learning to rub along with poople you hate is also a part of life. How will all these precious children cope in the workplace where most will have to work alongside people they really dislike day in day out?

Rumpledfaceskin · 05/03/2018 07:39

*people Grin

Littledrummergirl · 05/03/2018 07:39

What causedcthe other boy to push your ds to the ground. In my experience this behaviour doesn't come for no reason- its usually defensive or retaliation. Kicking, punching, pinching, hair pulling, name calling, usually when they think adults arent looking have been the sort of things the "mean" person have done.

Bullying usually happens when an adult gives permission to others that it is ok to exclude/hurt/take from a child. You have given that permission, the teacher has tried to intervene to withdraw that permission. I know who looks mean from my point of view and it's not the one child who has been singled out for exclusion.

Weebo · 05/03/2018 07:43

There is a huge difference between being badly bullied and someone being 'mean'.

The last boy my son called mean spent most of last week running in and out of my house between blizzards and making snowmen with DS1.

Booboobooboo84 · 05/03/2018 07:46

Unless I’ve missed something and it’s a single sex class it’s not 1 child. It’s half the class? So maybe working with the schools ethos the op should also invite all the girls. Because that’s exclusion too.

As for the op talking about learning to run along with each other that’s exactly what they are learning. That in a structured setting like school or work they have to get along and do what needs doing. But in their social time they are free to make choices as to who they spend it with

Chugalug · 05/03/2018 07:46

My autistic child hasn't been invited to lots of parties,often when the majority of the boys are ,except the other autistic boy in his class...who never gets invited either...it's not common knowledge they are autistic so perhaps the kids tell their parents these boys are mean so not to invite them..(their not nasty boys. Just different).sad...but there you go.parents allow it .nothing you can do but shrug and move on.

EllieMe · 05/03/2018 07:47

How will all these precious children cope in the workplace where most will have to work alongside people they really dislike day in day out?

By not socialising with them out of work hours. Exactly the case here.

Original poster
Busyworkingmumof4 · 05/03/2018 07:48

Ok - thank you everyone. It is really good to get feedback. I think the overall message is:

  1. By age 9, kids should be allowed to choose who they want at their parties; but
  2. The fact that it was only one boy from the class not invited has made the whole thing look really unkind from our side, especially as I allowed DS to give out the invitations at school.

So although it is my son's right to choose not to invite a boy he does not like, we have poorly managed the process.

I think I will bite the bullet and call the mum. Will let you know how it goes...

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 05/03/2018 07:48

That does make me sad chugalug can I ask why it hasn’t been explained to the other students that your son isn’t mean he’s autistic? Giving them some context and background might help them develop the empathy needed to ensure your boy is included. If they don’t have all the information then sadly from their perspective he may come across as mean through no fault of his own.

Lovemusic33 · 05/03/2018 07:50

My autistic child never got invited to partied either, difference being though, she isn’t violent, has never hurt anyone and is well behaved (she just flaps her arms a bit). If my child was violent and hurt others then I would understand someone not wanting her at their party.

We see these threads all the time, it get a bit boring, people always bring sn’s into it but truthfully ‘do you think a child should put up with being hurt because the other child has sn’s?’.

OP, let your ds invite who ever he wants. It’s his party and he doesn’t want someone there who hurts him, I don’t blame him.

LagunaBubbles · 05/03/2018 07:50

Rumpled your post is a bit victim blaming. It is not "precious" at all to not have to invite someone you don't like to your party as a child. AndittleDrummergirl your post is just as bad. "Bullying usually happens when an adult gives permission to others that it's ok to exclude a child? Crap. No wonder there is such a soft attitude to bullying in some schools. How about bullying happens because some children are just bullies.

Jenny70 · 05/03/2018 07:50

You are being mean to exclude him, even the teacher (who has no vested interest in this) thinks so and has been prepared to weigh in on this private issue.

You've not raised any behaviour with the school, you don't know what lead to these episodes/pushing you've not given the school (or the boy) any opportunity to remedy this.

I think you should have told your son at the outset it was mean to exclude one boy...

But going forward, call the mother, say you had concerns that the boys weren't getting along, but would she be prepared to come and help supervise that they behave nicely to each other. (I would have invited Johnnie, but my Billy said they aren't getting on at school at the moment. If Johnnie would like to come to the party, would it be possible you stay as well as an extra pair of eyes and help monitor their behaviour?).

If she isn't willing to stay, make sure you have an extra family member to monitor the situation, think up a contingency action (such as taking him back home, or sitting in the kitchen with adults) if you see him being mean/seriously misbehaving. And Mums phone number to collect him!

DancesWithOtters · 05/03/2018 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weebo · 05/03/2018 07:51

Well, you sound pretty sensible OP hopefully the other boys mum is too.

Hope you get it sorted.

Faultymain5 · 05/03/2018 07:52

@Rumplefacedskin Learning to rub along with poople you hate is also a part of life. How will all these precious children cope in the workplace where most will have to work alongside people they really dislike day in day out?

I have an annual BBQ. I work with loads of people I don't like. Guess who don't get invited into my home for the BBQ at a weekend? Bingo, the people I don't like.

In fact I remember inviting someone I didn't like to my house to be polite (about a decade ago), a few months later we fell out big time. We were fine rubbing along in the workplace. Better relationships are not made by invites to parties.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/03/2018 07:53

You are totally right, these boys are 9, not 5, if he is bullying op ds, he does not get to go to the party. Why are we wrapping chikdren up in cotton wool, this would not be tolerated in the adult world, we are raising children who know their rights, but not responsibilities. Mabey he should be kind to ds, if he wants future invites.

fessmess · 05/03/2018 07:53

At 9 I think not inviting a mean kid is ok, and 8 is not the whole class, at that age my kids would only invite that many anyway and usually boys and girls. If they were 5 it's different.

Lweji · 05/03/2018 07:57

It's one boy. Not from the whole class but from the group of boys.
By that reasoning you should have invited the girls too. Why were they excluded?
Invite who you want.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/03/2018 07:59

I think it would be reasonable to explain to the Mother, maybe she can teach her Son, that there will always be consequences to unpleasant actions. He cannot expect to enjoy a jolly time, if he makes your DS miserable on occasion, at school.
He shouldn't be invited, in my opinion.

Steamcloud · 05/03/2018 07:59

My dd's primary school had the same policy and I think it's correct. It's not kind to leave one child out.

Ime, there are often one or two DC who are a bit naughty at a party. The trick is to pay/persuade an older teen boy to help out and keep an eye specifically on them; to distract when things look like they are getting out of hand, or to take to one side and have a quiet word when necessary. How will the ostracised child learn to behave better if he is always excluded? And yes, you could argue "it's not my job to teach him" but if his parents haven't taught him acceptable behaviour then who will? He's not going to learn sitting at home feeling everyone hates him. That's more likely to result in worse behaviour at school.

SadieHH · 05/03/2018 08:01

YANBU. When I was a kid back in the dark ages we didn’t invite people we didn’t like and I don’t remember anyone being concerned how many people were left out. There is a boy in dd1’s class that I wouldn’t invite if you paid me. Good family background, nice parents etc, but he just happens to be a little shit. And at 10 he should know better so he gets to suffer the consequences I’m afraid.

Mrsmadevans · 05/03/2018 08:02

OP you do whatever your ds wants to do , this other child has been mean to him and this is his reward. It will bring his behaviour to the forefront and may make him think next time he is nasty to your son.

OliviaStabler · 05/03/2018 08:03

Leave him off the invite, the little shit. All this inclusiveness is bullshit when there is a mean kid involved. He needs to be excluded so he can see the consequences of his actions.

I would have hated my Mum if she had invited one of my bullies to my house.

Weebo · 05/03/2018 08:04

Liberal values. Christ... :o

Do you really think OP's son's life will be any easier if she doesn't do what she is doing by trying to sort this out?

The teacher - who spends her days with these boys - has said that this is creating tension. That tension will cause problems with her son.

It's not some noble, selfless lesson in martyrdom.

UterusUterusGhali · 05/03/2018 08:07

As he's left all the girls out I'd say it's fine!
He was choosing his friends. That's a normal thing to do. For all the teacher knows numbers were strictly limited.