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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

335 replies

RParr · 04/03/2018 16:09

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

OP posts:
TheC · 04/03/2018 16:12

Omg get a flipping grip. You were probably invited until they actually worked out how many they could invite. It wasn’t done deliberately to spite you.

Have you even met the bride?

You’re spotting yourself by not going to the evening do.

TheC · 04/03/2018 16:13

*spiting

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/03/2018 16:14

It’s hurtful ! I would not fall out with your partner though as that makes a hurtful situation even worse .

It’s poor planning and budgeting on their side - they should have
Managed this better from the outset

I think you are hurt because you appear to have been singled out . But in reality their costs probably spiralled and a girlfriend of 1 year (plus other) was the easiest to strike off a list . I am not excusing they but saying it’s probably not personal

So you know what they are like ! Plan something nice for that day instead . Can you gracefully get out of attending the evening do ?

Don’t let someone’s poor planning and lack of tact make you feel shit Flowers

Greggers2017 · 04/03/2018 16:14

Me and my partner have been together almost 3 years. Sometimes he gets invited to weddings that I don't, especially if it's work colleagues.

FloydOnThePull · 04/03/2018 16:15

It's shitty to invite you then not actually invite you. I can see how you would be annoyed about that but beyond that I think you're being precious. You have met the groom once.

HighwayDragon1 · 04/03/2018 16:16

You're not a long term partner, you haven't even been with your Bf a year yet which means when you met this friend it had been a couple of months maximum.

Peachyking000 · 04/03/2018 16:16

If I were your partner I would decline the invitation too. I dont blame you for not wanting to attend the evening do either - joining your DP and his mates with their partners after they’ve been having fun all day sounds awful.

I’d return the favour if you and DP get married too

ThreeFish · 04/03/2018 16:16

You've only been with him less than a year and you don't live together.
An evening invitation is plenty, and your DP should attend the wedding.
YABU.

jaseyraex · 04/03/2018 16:17

I think you need to get a grip OP. You only met this friend in August. Have you even met his bride? Long term partner or not (and imo under a year isn't really long term) you don't really know these people and weddings are expensive! If they want to keep costs down they'll take off anyone they don't really know. When me and DH married we didn't invite anyone who both of us didn't know to the ceremony, only married friends and ones who'd been together for years and years were both invited to the ceremony. Partners of friends were welcome in the evening. You've taken it far too personally. Crying and causing arguments over it is a bit much!

mynameisLuca · 04/03/2018 16:17

I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding

You're not even a year together and don't live together...you are not a long term partner! You're a new girlfriend.

Thelampshadelady · 04/03/2018 16:18

I’m sorry but I don’t consider being together as little under a year as long term partner.

Coolaschmoola · 04/03/2018 16:18

Less than a year isn't 'long term partner' by any stretch of the imagination!

You haven't even been together 365 days! Hmm

You're a gf of less than a year who stays over/bf stays over a lot.

'Long term partner'... 😂

soapboxqueen · 04/03/2018 16:19

I suspect you were invited but when they worked out numbers and realised couldn't manage it. I'd be miffed at dp for not mentioning it earlier. I wouldn't expect my dp not to go and just feel the groom was unthinking.
..
Fwiw I wouldn't consider someone a long term girlfriend if they'd been together less than a year.

NerrSnerr · 04/03/2018 16:20

You're not a long term partner. If you don't live together I'd class you as a girlfriend and not partner.

louise5754 · 04/03/2018 16:20

My husband has friends allover the uk. On our wedding day I first bent 25 of them plus their wives and girlfriends for the first time.

In 11 years I've probably been to three weddings with him.

If they're just his mates and not family friends I'd rather him go and have a good day and night with his mates. Especially if I don't now them.

Why are you exited about the wedding? Is if the first one you've been too together?

TidyDancer · 04/03/2018 16:21

They have behaved badly in respect of making you believe you'd been invited and then not actually inviting you. I would be annoyed about that - although it does sound like bad planning and slight stupidity rather than anything malicious.

I'm not an evening do invitation fan (should be all or nothing in my mind) but I think in the circumstances that's what I would've expected anyway in your situation. Being together under a year does not equal being a long term partner and you describe yourselves as 'pretty much living together' so basically not actually living together. It also sounds from your post that you only met this friend once and possibly not met the fiancé at all.

How they've gone about this is not the best or most polite way, but I don't think it's the big deal you seem to think it is.

Perendinate · 04/03/2018 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gaelach · 04/03/2018 16:22

Agree with pretty much everyone above. Catch yourself on OP. How old are you?

scaryteacher · 04/03/2018 16:22

I was engaged after six months of dating.....does that not make one long term, or would the not under a year rule still apply? Given we have been together since 85 and married since 86, we've obviously stated the course.

MrsGrindah · 04/03/2018 16:23

You have no rights here you know. They can invite or disinvite whoever they like to their wedding. And your DP can go or not go if he wishes. When did a relative strangers wedding become all about you?!

seventh · 04/03/2018 16:24
  1. The wedding couple didn't handle it sensitively but
  1. You are 'just' a girlfriend not a LTP so I'm imagining that when finding they had to cut back on numbers they cut out those who aren't LTP
  1. You've said your piece, let it go, or you will come across as Miss Needy Nickers, not a good you-memory to leave with these people
LoveSchoolHolidays · 04/03/2018 16:24

I do understand how you feel. Unfortunately there is very little you can do at this stage, your DP should have told you straight away in a ‘sorry but they are cutting numbers because of costs, would you mind only coming to the evening do?’ Kind if thing.
You could be the bigger person and go to the evening do, for the sake of keeping the peace. Or you could do something nice for yourself and not attend.
This is not your DP’s doing and it doesn’t seem to be anyone’s fault or to be anything personal against you, for the sake of your relationship you are going to have to forget it.

Gaelach · 04/03/2018 16:24

@scaryteacher OP isn't engaged to her boyfriend. Your dating history in the 80s is entirely irrelevant.

louise5754 · 04/03/2018 16:24

*been to one together

Babymamamama · 04/03/2018 16:24

Try to turn in round in your mind. Most weddings are a lot of faff and hanging around. Use the day to do something lovely for yourself. Whenever I'm invited to a wedding I try to duck or say just put me down for the evening as I otherwise find it far too long a day. Yes I know I'm a miserable so and so.

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